male socializing

[Frank]

So, I don't really know how to put this in words but the other day I was thinking I pass so well but I'm so awkward around people. How are you supposed to be friendly and outgoing when your every moment is basically "Okay don't touch my chest, don't touch my chest, don't come near me just in case, don't look at my chest, is it sticking out farther than normal, omg it IS sticking out farther, panic attack" and so on?

I'm not sure where I was going with this, but the thought train the other day ended with "You're just going to have to go hang out with some dudes when you get done with this." So much easier said than done. What are your thoughts on rehumanizing?

[Adam (birkin)]

No thoughts other than I completely and utterly get it. This is my exact issue. I can't even make myself have better posture. -_-

[Polo]

Do you have any friends that know you're trans*? I find that being around people who know that I'm trans* and treat me as a guy without any issue are very easy to relax and be myself around. It may be worth it to you to find a trans* or at least trans* friendly group you can spend some IRL Time with.

[Kreuzfidel]

Polo has good advice.

I am still in that situation - but only to an extent.  I just literally had to force myself to "pretend" to be happy, social and talkative around people at my work because my job requires me to be.  But, outside of work, I just retreat back into my shell. 

Once I go out and start socialising again now that I've had top surgery, maybe things will be different.  But I think that it becomes a habit mentally for us to withdraw and avoid social situations, so it may be some time before all will be "normal".

That being said, I actually don't LIKE socialising, so I don't force myself to anymore than I have to.  I have accepted the fact that my asocial behaviour is half fear and half desire, so meh...

But...again, sometimes just forcing yourself to be the person you want to be is what you have to do.  What I used to do was imagine myself as my favourite male movie or book character and sort of project myself in a similar way - not quite "make believe", but more like finding your own confidence through emulating them. 

[Frank]

Kreuzfidel, I'm actually very friendly and outgoing, like talking to random strangers like we've been friends for five years. Random strangers aren't likely to hug you though, so that rules out some of the don't touch me panic.

Working with a crew of guys though, that's a whole 'nother story. Guys can be so gay with that amount of touching. (Not that gay is wrong or anything, I'm all for the eyecandy. But it IS pretty dang gay.) It's a shame, I like tussling.

[Kreuzfidel]

Yeah, well I get what you mean.  I was like that before top surgery in regards to my workmates - I'm close with several of them and there's a lot of pats on the back, touching the chest, etc.  I just tried to not join in too much with the fun-n'-tussle.  I think you just have to find a happy medium.

[Brandon]

All my friends see me as male trans or not and half of them forgot, I never have thoes thoughts when I'm around my bros, I mean my chest is already small. Really you just need to do you and quit worrying about what everyone thinks and quit focusing on your chest and just enjoy yourself, Believe it or not, No one is really paying attention to your chest you are which will cause you to not enjoy yourself. I have a very masculine personality and I'm very outgoing dispite me being trans it doesn't stop me and it certainly shouldn't stop you.

[BrotherBen]

I know it's hard, but really try to forget about your self-consciousness and just be in the moment. Your panic attacks are probably much more noticable than your chest! To a large extent, people will percieve what they expect to. I was at a cuddle party last night, and this girl literally had her hand right on my chest without even noticing that I was trans (and I have a LOT there to bind- I was a size F last time I had a professional bra sizing). Have faith in your maleness and it will color strangers' perception of you.

[GnomeKid]

hmm I guess I never experienced this.  I mean I definitely didn't like having boobs, and I definitely did what I could to keep people from noticing them.  It didn't, however, effect my ability to chill with regular dudes.  I actually just find regular dudes to be kind of well.... boring, but I did spend a lot of time with them during transition through chillin with one of my best friends who was a lot more socially oriented than I.  Maybe I'm just so bored by the average straight cisdude that I don't feel the need to try to impress them?

I also have found myself having more of a rough-housing relationship with my female friends then my male friends.  Most of my dude friends are not so much a touching sort.

Once I was binding (super early in transition, not really out except to my gf) and a realtor tapped me straight in the middle of my chest in a friendly joking manner (not awkward or unusual by any means).  My lesbian friends and I all had a good laugh about it afterwards.  He didn't realize I wasn't a dude.  Don't be so afraid that if you did end up making physical contact it'll be an automatic WOAH DUDES GOT BOOBS.  They're not doing a pat down or running the length of your torso for a topological comparison.  With a binder you also don't get the obvious bra lines through the back of your shirt.  Its amazing how much that strapless back can portray. 

[notyouraverageguy]

What burkin said. I still haven't been able to "rehumanize" "resocialize" or re learn hor to be one of the guys. Which gets me because it came so easily before. I'm very awkward, very quiet, I get panicky and not just with my chest but everything about myself. Most of the time I just try to ignore it but I still worry. The only dudes I hang out with have been other trans guys or gay guys, that's the only way I feel comfortable without having to worry so much about my body or myself. I'm really weird around straight guys. You just have to try not to think about it so much. Its easier for those who haven't experienced it to just say what to do, but you really have to try and focus your mind on something else when you feel yourself start to panic.

[Polo]

I know it's hard, but really try to forget about your self-consciousness and just be in the moment. Your panic attacks are probably much more noticable than your chest! To a large extent, people will percieve what they expect to. I was at a cuddle party last night, and this girl literally had her hand right on my chest without even noticing that I was trans (and I have a LOT there to bind- I was a size F last time I had a professional bra sizing). Have faith in your maleness and it will color strangers' perception of you.

This plus what Gnome kid said. I just had to do an exercise for a class that required all of us students changing into spandex and going through various biometrics. SPANDEX. Give me Uncomfortable Experiences for $500 please. To my pleased surprise, the people running the biometrics treated me as a male, across the board. Since I'm pre-T that might have thrown off some of the machines that relied on sex, but it made me pretty happy lol, I think how you carry yourself makes a big difference (and a binder I'm sure).

All cis straight guys are not the same. Some I have no interest in being in the same room with, but some are genuine, fun, awesome people; it's just a matter of finding the right personalities. Hopefully the ones you find are the type that don't care if you're trans or not; some of your panic seems like fear of discovery?

[aleon515]

Just started going to activities with a group for gay guys. I am really enjoying it. I am "questioning" vs gay perhaps but the group is non-sexual, just activities, and I am really enjoying it.
They know I am trans, but they are totally cool about it, and don't seem to care.

--Jay

[AdamMLP]

I was frisked at an airport without binding once, it was obvious they were reading me as male as I was frisked by the man and not the woman, and he didn't bat an eyelid.  I don't know what he thought, probably just that I was unfortunate enough to have gynecomastia or something.  Being trans really isn't the first thing that comes into cis people's mind, nor is it that they've gendered someone wrong.

Try and relax and realise that you've not got to worry the whole time, people really aren't looking, and they really aren't thinking what you think they will be.