Wondering what the heck I am doing!! -self-questioning-rant-

[FilaFord]

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[warlockmaker]

I feel for you and for me there was never a doubt since starting HRT almost a year ago. I am ever so fortunate to be petite so I know passing is no problems physically but there were and still are a whole buch of emotional issues and children issues to resolve. I also speak with a great therapist every two weeks but I have not had any issues yet. We each have our own paths to follow - the path for a TS is a major one and its awesome and yet daunting and the full transition may not be right for everyone. Live a life that is best for you be it part way or all the way.

[Jamie D]

FilaFord - you have got the weight of the world on your shoulders.  Time to slow down and take stock.

What is important in your life?  Sounds like your son is very important.  Sounds like your marriage may fall apart no matter what.  You need your career, but I thought skills and abilities were more important that looks in your field.

You have just barely started transition.  You can go as fast or slow as you want.  So why not take it one step at a time?  Let your confidence grow.

[sam79]

Perhaps you may have somewhat jumped the gun?

Transition is pretty much a last resort. It's not comfortable, pretty, cheap, fast or very enjoyable. It's for those who have no other option. So regardless of all else external to you, if you don't need to transition, then my advice is; don't. There are plenty of transgender individuals who never transition for various reasons. Two of my good friends are such.

I'm sorry if comes off as harsh. From your own words, you don't seem ready to undertake something so mammoth. Take time & just be. If the time comes, you'll know it, and likely never doubt yourself.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Yeah I agree with sammy...

For me it was transition or eternal missery /suicide I dunno...

If you think you dont need it that much then I dont know,,,

[Ltl89]

One thing that I'd like to point out is that two weeks in is way to brief to judge how you'll turnout.  Hormone therapy is a very long process that takes it's precious time.  You are nowhere near a point to know what you will look like.  In my own experience, I've changed significantly from when I started and I'm still changing.  So don't let that be the only deciding factor.

I don't think it's transition or death for everyone, but I do think you need to examine the significance of it.  How important is it to you?  The fact that you show some reluctance to one day being seen as female should be analyized considerably.  Do you think there is a time when you will want that?  Are you just more concerned about more pressing priorities at the moment like family and employment that you'd prefer to delay the process?  Or do you not even know if this is ever going to be what you will want?  That's an important thing for you to consider. 

I totally understand the social fear about judgement.  I still live with it everyday.  What I will say is that sometimes overcoming the fear of others is more important for our own happiness.  If it isn't needed, then I can understand stopping the process, but don't let other people dictate your life.  I've been doing that for so long and I'm still struggling to overcome it the more I go forward, but I also find that it's enriching to be myself without being tied to the will of others, knowing full well what I want the result to be and why this needs to be progressively improved upon.  But it's not an overnight thing and we all have different priorities and circumstances in life.  You need to consider what is really best for you in the end.  That's what really matters.  If that means sacrificing for your children and mitigating any potential discrimination supersedes your will to transition, then there is nothing wrong with that.  It's finding what you want that does. 

In any case, I wish you lots of luck with your path.  We all deal with things differently and everyone has their own individual path in life.  I wish you very well while you are finding the current one that works best for you.

[stephaniec]

Perhaps you may have somewhat jumped the gun?

Transition is pretty much a last resort. It's not comfortable, pretty, cheap, fast or very enjoyable. It's for those who have no other option. So regardless of all else external to you, if you don't need to transition, then my advice is; don't. There are plenty of transgender individuals who never transition for various reasons. Two of my good friends are such.

I'm sorry if comes off as harsh. From your own words, you don't seem ready to undertake something so mammoth. Take time & just be. If the time comes, you'll know it, and likely never doubt yourself.

I'll have to agree with Sammy given what you've said

[Jessica Merriman]

Perhaps you may have somewhat jumped the gun?

Transition is pretty much a last resort. It's not comfortable, pretty, cheap, fast or very enjoyable. It's for those who have no other option. So regardless of all else external to you, if you don't need to transition, then my advice is; don't. There are plenty of transgender individuals who never transition for various reasons. Two of my good friends are such.

I'm sorry if comes off as harsh. From your own words, you don't seem ready to undertake something so mammoth. Take time & just be. If the time comes, you'll know it, and likely never doubt yourself.

Same here Fila.
One thing to add though, kids are VERY resilient. They are not judgmental or have pre conceived notions in their heads. My 15 year old son hated me for about a week and a half, then one day he called me pretty and has fully accepted me since.

[mrs izzy]

If you wonder what the heck you are doing 9x10 you are doing something wrong.

Transition is supposed to make your life better. HRT is supposed to make your life better. Every part of transition is very, very hard. There is no magic pills. No magic path to walk. No magic words to make it happen. No one can tell you what you need to do, that has to come from within.

Step back and take stock of what you need in life. Do whats right for your own happiness.

Isabell

One last thing. Go talk with your therapist and tell them how you are feeling about the questioning.

[Natalia]

Yes, I think every one of us passes for times of questioning once a while.

After 5 months into hormones, I question myself a lot. There are times when I open my eyes and I say to myself "what the hell am I doing?". I look at my chest and I see breasts, I know I am permanently sterile or very close to that...and I see that the path I am, although it seems to be the right and only one that can bring me happiness to myself, is becoming impossible to return. I don't want to return, but there are times when I question if I shouldn't had stayed the way I was, miserable as I was, but with a relatively stable life, with my few friends, my family and a job.

So, if you still have doubts and if your life is uncertain, go slow. Think carefully. After a few months on hormones you might start developing breasts and they will pretty much start telling everyone that something is different. HRT will indeed change you and, I'm not lying, jobs are far harder to find when you're trans.

If you feel you are not ready for it yet, perhaps you should ask your therapist/doctor to give you a low dose of hormones. Your changes will come slowly and you'll be able to fix up your life, find a job as a man, set up things with your wife.

Ah, before I forget:

All I am aware of is that the following things are so engrained in my mind that I can't fall asleep without thinking about them:
- My son will turn 4 next month, and I fear that he will be ashamed of me throughout his life
- I am not attracted to guys (although I am open for that to change in the future) and I fear that no woman will ever want to be with me again, so I will be lonely for the rest of my life
- I fear I will never be able to get a job again. Although my career field (accounting) is dominated by females, I don't feel that I will ever be "passable" enough to be considered a part of that gender in my co-workers eyes

- Your son is still really young and I am sure he will adapt with the new you.
- There are a lot of lesbian women out there and I am sure many of them wouldn't mind dating a transwoman!
- Jobs may be harder to get, but what really matters in better job positions is your ability to do your job well done. There is a topic around here about people who transitioned while on a good professional position. I am sure that being trans won't have a huge effect if you are a good employee and is qualified for the job.

[Tori]

You must remember, transition is not a race. You can always stop or take a break.

If you are not ready, you are not ready. Transition is not only for the young. It will always be an option.

Religion is a touchy subject, as the interpretations of any holy book are vast, and I do not wish to step on toes. Many use fear of God and guilt to keep someone from transition, and many use the concept that God made you trans as reason to transition. I would not fear the wrath of the Son of God with the crown of thorns if I were you. He forgave murderers, preached to undesireables and spoke in parable form about a man from Samaria, who followed his own spiritual path and still was as worthy as any other in the eyes of God. Besides, I found Jesus in the South Park video game. He has my back yo'... and I am playing as a Jew (I know you are playing that game too so I had to make that joke).

[anais]

I think you really need to work this out with your therapist and see if transitioning is the best option for you.

[warlockmaker]

I just need to add some positive words. For me starting HRT was a wonderful event and it has given me so much peace and happiness. The mental side has been wonderful. I also agree with Jessica that children are very resilient and I have discussed this at length with my theripist on how I should relay this message to my 12 year old daughter, I honestly dont see a problem there. Transition should be a path of discovering your new persona and the adventures that lie ahead. You are leaving the darkness behind and emerging into the light _ its not ment to be miserable.

[FilaFord]

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