What should I do next?

[louise000]

So fairly late in life I've faced up to the fact that I'm transgendered and have come out to my SO. I've been to see a counsellor who confirmed my belief that I am actually transsexual. My SO will tolerate my dressing in private but doesn't want me to come out to anyone else or to go out in public (naturally I'm nervous of doing this anyway so in a way she's giving me an excuse not to). I know that if I don't come out properly there's no way I can proceed towards transition. OK, I'm letting my hair grow out, I shave my body hair regularly, I'm trying to get electrolysis (at the same time as struggling with a home laser kit!!), I'm working hard to develop a passable feminine voice, I try to dress less male when I'm out and about, but these small steps are all in vain if I don't get to make the big decision.
What I would really like to know is, who do I see next - a psychiatrist to confirm what the counsellor told me, or my own doctor (shudders at the thought). Or should just I wait and see? Maybe a longer time for my SO to get adjusted to my situation would be best? I just don't know what to do next.
What do you girls think?
Thanks, Louise

[Keira]

Since you seemingly know a lot about where you want to got, if you go to gender therapist, there is a good chance that if you wanted to, in a few month, you could be on HRT... But.... You don't have to.

Kate (the one on this site) I think went 10 months to a gender therapist before starting HRT.

So, my opinion is that you should go to a gender therapist that way you will explore gender issues and your fears about the future. It will probably help in dealing with your issues related to your marriage.

That's the next step (while pursuing electrolysis or later, which is better to have finished early into HRT so you can have more of the feminisation benefits HRT procures (instead of looking like a women with a beard).

[ellen b]

I went to a gender therapist three months before being referred to an endocrinologist for HRT.

You will find your way, and the courage it must have taken to do what you have done so far will no doubt strengthen others on their journey.

Peace.

[cindianna_jones]

I think that you should stop right now and go back to your old life.  I don't recommend this for anyone.

If you'd rather kill yourself than doing that, then I'd recommend a good counselor as your next step.

Cindi

[Sarah Louise]

The decision of what to do next is yours and yours alone.  It might be nice to see how decisions have affected others, but you are the one who has to live with which ever direction you decide on going.

Make sure of what you want before you close doors behind you.

Sarah L.

[ellen b]

I missed the "rather kill myself" part in the original post. Wow. Where did this reply come from?

[Kat]

1'st reactions, opinions and attitudes can, no will change if you are sure about what it is you think you need to do. Again, only you can answer that question and in the meantime stop worrying so much about what is or is not "Ok with her"  and skip the "excuses" as that certainly in not gonna help you in the least! 

I can't agree more here, I spent so much time worrying about what other people would think of me, until I realized that I would be miserable guaranteed if I never went through with it, but there was only a chance of people reacting poorly, and I had the option of not really interacting with most of them if I wanted to. 

[Jonie]

What I would really like to know is, who do I see next - a psychiatrist to confirm what the counsellor told me, or my own doctor (shudders at the thought). Or should just I wait and see? Maybe a longer time for my SO to get adjusted to my situation would be best? I just don't know what to do next.
What do you girls think?
Thanks, Louise

Starting out finding a good gender therapist and a support group in the town where you live will serve you well. Shuddering at the thought of telling your own doctor suggests to me that your relationship with your doctor is too personal. He get paid extraordinary amounts of money to tend to your health care needs, not to approve or disapprove of your lifestyle choices.

[Annie]

My spouse of 15 years also designates a corner of my world where I can act and look in a manner that reflects how I feel inside.  This corner is just fine with her as long as no one else knows about it.  She admittedly does not understand me, and since it's been nearly a year since I revealed to her that I identify myself as a woman, I'm begging to doubt that she really "wants" to understand me.  Yet, she acts disgusted that my depression is such that I feel completely paralyzed in every aspect of life.  2 weeks ago I asked her if she would leave me if I began HRT.  Her response was "I don't know".  Nothing throws me into non-action like fear of the unkown, LOL.  And I'm sure she knows that.

I suppose that my point is that girls in our situations can (a) sit and do nothing, (b)be pushed toward the objective by those who love us, or (c)take a deep breath, dive in, and in quite a few cases, be viewed by loved ones as the one who betrays. 

Anyway, it never ceases to amaze me at the courage of the ladies here who have stepped off the edge, faced a lot of heartbreak and loss, and emerged self-confident and lovely women.

[cindianna_jones]

I missed the "rather kill myself" part in the original post. Wow. Where did this reply come from?

I would never consider advising anyone to follow this path.  After exhausting every possibility you have and nothing works, where suicide seems like the only way out, the binary decision becomes self evident: "Would I rather kill myself or transition"?  Right?  Once you've boiled it down to that, your move forward is clear.  My advice is free and worth every penny!

Cindi

[louise000]

     Thanks to everyone for their opinions, I'm really grateful.
     Cindi, killing myself will never be an option as far as I'm concerned, although I've suffered with clinical depression in the past suicide was never on my "to do" list. I've survived acting out the male role most of my life, and during those periods when I was out of relationships I felt able to indulge myself by dressing and "being a girl" when I was at home. All that had to stop when I married over 20 years ago and I bitterly regret having not told my SO about my true self before the event, so she could have made a decision of her own. About 11 years ago I had another spell of depression and was referred to a psychiatrist for therapy, but I still kept my secret to myself - how stupid I was. All my life I've longed to be female, but never had the guts to admit it to anyone for fear of shame and ridicule, that is until I came out to my SO quite recently, much to her shock and horror.
    The point is, I've taken that step and added in a few more preliminaries such as losing weight, started beard removal, growing my hair, voice training, etc., all of which make me feel really good.  To stop now would just seem like another cop out. I don't want to go back.
    I am going to have further counselling (I still have further sessions booked with a very experienced GID counsellor), and take things very slowly, maybe two steps forward and one back if necessary. I know my SO wants to help me but she still has alot to learn about GID and at the moment I don't think it has dawned on her that if she stays with me she may end up living with another woman.
     Kiera, what you have said is very helpful and I will try and get hold of the books you mentioned. I have "My Husband Betty" by Helen Boyd, but I don't see much similarity between Betty and myself. As we ourselves all know there is a big difference between a transvestite who dresses purely for sexual relief and transsexuals who consider themselves to have been women all their lives, for whom dressing has secondary importance - and no doubt many many shades in between those extremes. I feel I am in the latter camp.
     Annie, yes I agree that when the SO gives out signals of uncertainty it can be worrying and frightening. Silence is a powerful weapon. I hope that your SO will continue to be supportive to you if you start HRT.
Best wishes to all, Louise

[Hypatia]

Cindi... great answer, LOL  You nailed it, babe.

Helen Boyd has a sequel out, She's Not the Man I Married, in which Betty is apparently inching closer to being transsexual: from "no" in the first book to "maybe" in the second book. Wanna bet on whether the third book will be a "yes"...

I got exactly the same reaction as louise and Kiera when I came out to my wife two and a half years ago. She tried to extract promises I would never let anyone know and I would never get surgery. My advice in louise's present situation-- do not, repeat, DO NOT make any promises now. You need more time to get clear within yourself about where this is all headed.

[VickieDavis]

....
Helen Boyd has a sequel out, She's Not the Man I Married, in which Betty is apparently inching closer to being transsexual: from "no" in the first book to "maybe" in the second book. Wanna bet on whether the third book will be a "yes"...

I read both of Helen Boyd's books and I thought the same thing, but who knows. But Betty seems to love Helen very much, and I think she might just be able to keep treading the line between being a man at times for Helen and being a woman the rest of the time for herself.

Listen to there interview with Helen Boyd & Betty Crow http://radicalguy.podomatic.com/entry/2007-06-13T04_32_00-07_00 and tell me they aren't going to make it work.

Also Nancy Nangeroni of GenderTalk http://www.gendertalk.com/ is doing the same thing for her spouse (partner) Gordene MacKenzie. Nancy is a very active gender advocate and was in charge of IFGE http://www.ifge.org at one point. It seems some find a way to thread that needle and keep each parter in the relationship reasonably happy, with out a full transition. I might have been able to do it, but my wife left and that made going forward possible.

[Hypatia]

I read both of Helen Boyd's books and I thought the same thing, but who knows. But Betty seems to love Helen very much, and I think she might just be able to keep treading the line between being a man at times for Helen and being a woman the rest of the time for herself.

Listen to there interview with Helen Boyd & Betty Crow http://radicalguy.podomatic.com/entry/2007-06-13T04_32_00-07_00 and tell me they aren't going to make it work.

Also Nancy Nangeroni of GenderTalk http://www.gendertalk.com/ is doing the same thing for her spouse (partner) Gordene MacKenzie. Nancy is a very active gender advocate and was in charge of IFGE http://www.ifge.org at one point. It seems some find a way to thread that needle and keep each parter in the relationship reasonably happy, with out a full transition. I might have been able to do it, but my wife left and that made going forward possible.

I have a friend like that who halted transition--stopped taking hormones-- in order to remain in marriage. Only presents as female part time. It's become all too clear that I can't hold back and stay part male. Because there really is no partway. In the eyes of the law and society you're either male or female. As long as I don't transition fully, I'll always be officially male and that's impossible for me, I'd rather be dead. Not so good for the marriage either way, is it?

[louise000]

Hi Gina, Thanks for a really useful and positive post. I'm already in counselling, but not as often as I would like. Only time will tell. Best wishes, Louise