Internal Transphobia (trigger warning?)

[beaver]

I feel like the hardest person on myself is me. Sometimes I alienate myself in my head and think of how freaky it is to be trans, even though I'm cool with other transpeople. I tried so hard to think myself into not being trans, that it was ok to be androgynous and that I could live the rest of my life that way. My dysphoria flared up badly after I ripped the denial sticker off. That was a while ago, and I've gotten a farther into accepting who I am and admitting the transmasculine identity to myself, but sometimes I feel so ashamed of who I am. I have such supportive close friends and family who are helping me out with my transition and finally close to starting T. I feel guilty for not accepting myself, but at the same time I am my biggest enemy. Does/did anyone feel this way? How did you cope with it?

[suzifrommd]

Does/did anyone feel this way? How did you cope with it?

I went through a stage like that. I read stories of other transgender people went through difficult times and triumphed. It helped me realized what amazingly tough and resourceful people we are. Learning about accomplished trans people like Lynn Conway and Jennifer Finney Boylan helped as well.

[Emmaline]

I guess it takes time to rebuild our values.

I myself feel at peace with being trans.  Proud, even.  But I must admit I have my own inner transphobia to deal with.  I am glad you brought it up.  I get a little shocked at first confronted by gender bending- like a reflex.  It goes away after a moment but it is still there.  Still real.
I feel uneasy when someone does not pass well- and I think it is just ingrained from the culture and media I grew up in.  By extension,  I feel uncomfortable to be seen as 'a guy in a dress' beyond that of the need to pass, or being misgendered... but the values ground into me from day one.  Intellectually I know why... but there is still that transphobic reflex.  It is a learned behavior. .. in time it will pass I am sure.  Values and behaviors take a while to change.

And hey, one day I will pass too. 

[GnomeKid]

hmm actually sometimes I feel the opposite.  As I feel myself becoming more and more "normal" and less and less queered by my body.. i resist becoming a dreary boring old normal straight dude.  Like my worst nightmare and greatest dream are somehow linked.

[beaver]

I guess it takes time to rebuild our values.

I myself feel at peace with being trans.  Proud, even.  But I must admit I have my own inner transphobia to deal with.  I am glad you brought it up.  I get a little shocked at first confronted by gender bending- like a reflex.  It goes away after a moment but it is still there.  Still real.
I feel uneasy when someone does not pass well- and I think it is just ingrained from the culture and media I grew up in.  By extension,  I feel uncomfortable to be seen as 'a guy in a dress' beyond that of the need to pass, or being misgendered... but the values ground into me from day one.  Intellectually I know why... but there is still that transphobic reflex.  It is a learned behavior. .. in time it will pass I am sure.  Values and behaviors take a while to change.

And hey, one day I will pass too. 

Yeah that sounds like how I feel, I'm glad it gets better though. I guess there just needs to be a time for my ingrained value to catch up with the logical brain.

hmm actually sometimes I feel the opposite.  As I feel myself becoming more and more "normal" and less and less queered by my body.. i resist becoming a dreary boring old normal straight dude.  Like my worst nightmare and greatest dream are somehow linked.

So does the confidence aspired from the changes help you in shaping who you are? Has the idea of being trans* bothered you at all in that process?

[E-Brennan]

My dysphoria flared up badly after I ripped the denial sticker off.

Same here.  Always cool with others being trans - no issues whatsoever with that - but when it happened to me...

Life is so much better now that the denial is out of the way.  At least I know which way to move, even though it's slow going right now.  And there's still days, weeks sometimes, where the denial tries to come back in again, usually when other things in my life start to get more difficult.

How to cope?  Hmmm.  Therapy has done wonders for me in terms of accepting who I am.  I know some people shy away from therapy or think it's a waste of time, but for someone who is struggling to accept who they are, it's extremely valuable.  If you haven't found a therapist yet, please do.

A support group helped me also, just in terms of getting out and meeting people who are in the same boat.  Seeing those who have gone through the process and who are now happily living as female is so motivating.  Supportive family and friends are good, but there's something to be said for having acquaintances/friends who are actually trans and who really do understand deep down what you're going through.

Finally, just accepting that it's an awkward phase and one full of uncomfortable feelings has helped me too.  And I like to think that in five years, all of this uncertainty and upheaval will be far behind me.  It will pass, so accepting that the feelings of non-acceptance and freakiness are temporary makes them far easier to deal with.