I dont know what I am, talk to me.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Lately Ive been studying gender stuff , Ive met a lot of people and most importantly I ve been thinking about the issue that has been bothering me forever...what am I? So hear my thoughts pls and help me out...this is how I feel...

Im an imageless existence, a silent little soul.I dont know why I exist nor do I know my purpose in this universe.

I was born as a human in a human society in which image is everything ,thus in order to fit in and live this life I choose to be seen and perceived by others as a female,though I wouldnt mind playing other roles from time to time.

I always hated being perceived as what you would call male , that must mean that my feminine side is a lot stronger,then why does it feel wierd when I call myself a woman even though I adore everything that a woman has.I can call myself a girl and feel calm but I really think that there is something missing...

I sometimes feel that we brought restriction upon ourselves
,and by creating the term freedom we made sure that nobody will ever be free, cause if I want to fly I cannot...

So when I think about what I am there is always something missing.
As if Im everything and nothing at the same time.

Gender me male and you ll make me cry,gender me female and you ll make me wonder ,gender me nothing and suddently something seems to make sense...still , these change from time to time...

But If I feel like this , why do I pursue a female appearance so relentlessly why do I hate everything looking male on me when I wouldnt mind playing the role of a male from time to time?

Sometimes I feel like a female , sometimes I feel like nothing and sometimes I feel like everything, I think that rarely I even feel as a male just for a little bit...

Still , why does it hurt me so much when I see a guy in the mirror?

When I started transition I was sure I am a female , but as I was continuing my journey I realised something both on the inside and on the outside for example i realised that I wouldnt mind wearing guy clothes from time to time ...also I was with a friend and to make a long story short she told me "too bad now you cant be my boyfriend" and I said "I wouldnt mind" as if I could adapt to that role of a boyfriend immediately...also I dont mind my genitals and my voice at all...
I feel like some kind of hybrid or some kind of identity shifter...as If my soul feels the need to do everything...
What should I do?
I want to have a female appearance most of the time even if my identity is different...me having a male or androgynous appearance would be rare,,,even if i feel like this on the inside!
I cant really be nothing or everything,,,thats why I choose the female appearance....
I wonder if I feel like this cause im in the middle of transition...

thoughts?sorry if it got too complicated .

thanks for reading btw 

[Sephirah]

Still , why does it hurt me so much when I see a guy in the mirror?

Before I say anything, I'd like to ask a question regarding this.

What is it about the reflection which causes that hurt?

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Before I say anything, I'd like to ask a question regarding this.

What is it about the reflection which causes that hurt?

I believe it hurts me cause Im not seeing myself, not only that , I feel that I look at something that has nothing to do with me,
everything masculine on my body (except my genitals) hurts me emotionaly I cant explain it ,the more im on hormones and the more feminine I become the better I feel...as I said I really need to have a female body...
Even If I sometimes feel like a male I would hate to look like one...I dont know if that makes any sense...

[Sephirah]

I believe it hurts me cause Im not seeing myself, not only that , I feel that I look at something that has nothing to do with me,
everything masculine on my body (except my genitals) hurts me emotionaly I cant explain it ,the more im on hormones and the more feminine I become the better I feel...as I said I really need to have a female body...
Even If I sometimes feel like a male I would hate to look like one...I dont know if that makes any sense...

It does make sense. I'm somewhat of a believer that the way we feel physically with regard to gender, and the way we express gender, aren't always one and the same. I think that we all have something of a blueprint in us somewhere, of what our ideal body would be like in order to feel "right". Not so much to do with being male, female or non-binary. But something hardwired deep inside which, when it happens, for a while we think "Yes! This is it, this is me!". And then it just fades away. It becomes not so much a case of feeling right, but of not feeling "wrong". And once that happens, the rest of life floods in to fill that void of being focused on a physical sensation.

That includes how we want to express ourselves, how we want to be seen, how we want to... hmm... interact with the world, I guess. And maybe for a lot of people this goes hand in hand with the physical feeling of "rightness". The one accentuates the other. But I don't think they're entirely dependent on each other. I think each person can strike a balance between what they need to do to get their bodies to stop feeling "wrong", and to focus on how they want to interact with the world from within it.

I don't think it's so unusual to feel male sometimes, or even no real sense of gender at all, while your body is undergoing changes to fit your own physical blueprint. Maybe your soul does need to do everything. It certainly has the capacity. The expression of yourself doesn't have to be limited, I don't think, by the vessel you are moulding to do it in.

[Unice]

I am very new to thinking of myself as transgender. So, my thoughts are possibly naive. I hate men. I don't really hate them/me, but I can't think of a way to express my feelings otherwise. And, I don't mean men, I mean the male roles that I think I am pressured to play and that I notice myself playing unintentionally. So, maybe you are not as vulgar as me in that sense. But, is it perceived male gender roles that you feel uncomfortable about? I mean is that what you are referring to?

If that is you in your avatar, then you are very pretty. That, of course, gives you many advantages and possibly disadvantages. My approach now (I'm 50 years old) is to allow for myself to change my opinion at any moment. I am proceeding by trying to eliminate what I don't like. Because I'm not going to look like a pretty person in the way that your avatar is pretty, it is clear that my motivation is not sexual. Mostly, it is changing how I feel about myself that I am after. It pleases me to express something feminine even though no one but my would notice.

If I were to decide I am not going to go as far in the female direction as my current trajectory, what I'm doing now can only be good, I think. I want to de-oaf myself, not be emotionally retarded, not have a paper thin ego, be unafraid to express affection, learn how to smile, have a soft voice. If I achieved that, wow... I can't even express what i feel about that.

So, maybe it makes sense to you too to look for what you are concerned about that is not about how you are perceived by girls and boys. You seem to be saying that you are okay with your body. A gender confused very pretty boy would likely be attractive to many girls. So, I'm not sure what you are worried about there.

Essentially, it is perfectly fine to want to allow feminine and masculine to appear in you, it's okay to have the body that you do, it's okay to change your body. Not knowing what you want is perfect. It means you are sentient. It's when people decide that they know, that they start to atrophy.

All people are perfect. They are always doing exactly what they need to be doing at each moment. Sanity is realizing that fact.

[Jessica Merriman]

It is only my opinion, but I think also you are letting the outside world cause some of your feelings. I feel that even if you are female you still default to male based on how society thinks you should be. Maybe it is the unconscious mind causing you to question yourself based on societies perceived normalcy. To me you sound totally female and desire and need to be looked at as one. 

By the way, you are gorgeous. I see no male in you at all, especially your eyes which are the window to the soul.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

@Sephirah

Your post gave me hope , actually I dont understand why I havent thought about it , no matter what you identify as you can have your own idea of what body would be ideal for you , having the ideal body im sure even if Im still cofused about my identity I wouldnt mind that much but still yeah its acceptable to try and be what I feel like even if my body says otherwise , ty.

@Unice
Its kinda wierd , I myself dont understand it well , but I dont hate the male roles etc and I wouldnt mind playing it ,all I hate is being perceived as a male...I wouldnt mind looking female and acting and feeling like a guy,,,I just dont want to look like a guy , I still feel female/genderless most of the time though...

Thanks for saing im pretty , I too do this to feel more at peace with myself , expressing femininity is what makes me calm , I just feel that I could do more than that sometimes...
Though im not ok with my body , I want a female body even if I sometimes feel male ( though as I said i mostly feel female)
and I would like others to recognise how I identify on the inside...but I can see how this is impossible...

@Jessica
It is a possibility, maybe if I was treated as a female all the time then I would settle in it...maybe...only time can tell
if that happens and still feel like that then Id need to make some things clear with my friends and family...
thanks for the compliment

[Feather]

Its kinda wierd , I myself dont understand it well , but I dont hate the male roles etc and I wouldnt mind playing it ,all I hate is being perceived as a male...I wouldnt mind looking female and acting and feeling like a guy,,,I just dont want to look like a guy , I still feel female/genderless most of the time though...

Those are my feelings about it as well.

But what are these 'male roles' we're talking about? Having feminine and masculine characteristics and being able to play male and female roles is IMO part of being a human being. And it changes. I think what we physically want to be is more important.

[Alyssa L.]

[Temporarily Removed by User]

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Those are my feelings about it as well.

But what are these 'male roles' we're talking about? Having feminine and masculine characteristics and being able to play male and female roles is IMO part of being a human being. And it changes. I think what we physically want to be is more important.

Yeah I actually agree , maybe thats why my dysphoria about my body was torturing me and still does XD...

Hey FalsePrincess,

I know exactly how you feel. I do not hate my life or my role in it. I do not hate my genitals. I DO hate the image I see back in the mirror. I too want to have a female appearance. As I once told my therapist, "I want to be me as I am now, but as a woman". While I like girl things like makeup, clothes, shoes, etc... I ultimately just see me the way that I am right now with some additional girly interests and a woman's appearance.

It makes things very confusing and this mindset is the thing that is holding me back from being 100% sure I want HRT.

Alyssa

Yeah kinda me too , but whatever crosses my mind the need to have the right body is stronger thats why I dont want to stop hrt...
once you start hrt and see changes you wouldnt want to stop , even if the futre seems uncertain.

[odysseus513]

Totally agree. Friends call me a guy I want to cringe, different ones call me her, she etc. and I'm like "wait, o, there talking about me. Weird feeling, but now that I'm on hrt there is no way I would stop the changes.

[Rachel]

FalsePrincess, your avatar is 100% female and pretty.

I have a co-op and over the last 6 months I have seen her put a bunch of hair under her nose. I ask her why and she says she wants to feel what it would be like with a mustache. She asked if it was ok to wear boots at work, work boots, I said absolutely. She is very pretty and takes ballet in her spare time. She loves cars and engines and mechanical equipment.

We talk every day for 5 to 10 minutes about  relationships, school, topical items and family. Then we review her project work and then we solve an engineering problem associated with a Professional exam she will some day take.

She is a cis young woman and comfortable in her skin and at least comfortable with me to be her herself. I am sure she has experimented with male roles and such.

The point being she expresses how she feels and is not limiting her view of herself on defined roles, to a point, her limit.

Perhaps what you want is normal activity but your perception of how you should feel is  limited on your view of how you should feel. Reinforcing negative feelings of a normal feeling will create a issue of guilt or inadequacy.

You have come a long way and recreating how you are seen and see yourself in the world.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

I can see your point

I guess maybe if I just give up on thinking so much what am I and just accept myself as it is I could find peace easier...
anyway I want to wait and see how I ll feel after im done with transition ,,,

[MbutF]

I think I know how you feel, but I'm not sure if I feel the same as you.

I don't particularly like being called 'he', but I'm kind of used to it. Sometimes I get called 'she' on other forums where I'm open about my gender, and it just doesn't feel right to me. I have no choice but to take two forms, 'male form' and 'female form', wish I could only have one form, which is the latter, but since I'm hiding, I have no choice right now. I feel like I want to be called 'she' when I'm feeling feminine, both in appearance and mind, which is rare because I rarely have the time or privacy to crossdress and what not. The only way I can feel fem, for now, is shaving, and crossdressing, I think my face is very good overall. No complaints there. I have considered 'changing', but I don't want to rush.

90% of the time I wish I could be a girl, but the other 10%, I 'don't mind' being a guy. Maybe it'll change. This is of course, how I feel as someone who's still learning about himself.

You're very pretty False Princess, I think you're a true princess, and I'm a little jelly, if I may say so.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Thanks for your kind comment,,,

I can relate to what you said , I mean its really hard to keep up   the image you have in your head about you when everyone sees you as something different,,,
so actually I  relate with you , I dont really think I want to be a guy , its just that I can tolerate it at a degree and also play that role for fun sometimes , so i dont think I can indentify as male,,,

hhhm Ive done a lot of thinking so I ll try to label myself and leave it for now
I ve been thinking something like agender transfeminine mtf...
go figure , i really cant identify as a woman but I adore everything feminine and I like to call myself a girl etc but I really cant say im a woman ,,,who knows maybe that will change , and about agender,,,well there are times which I really wouldnt like being adressed or seen as neither male or female , i really enjoy having a gender neutral name and people addressing me as none ( in greece you can avoid gender specific pronouns completely , wouldnt normaly do it in everyday speech but its possible)... I think its maybe because I see myself as a soul and the male and female genders as a human creation in order to allow better communication and stuff , as something not real to be precise , thats why I think i feel agender sometimes...but my love and desire for anything feminine makes me want to be as close of a girl as I can,,,
I dont even know if that made any sense, but anyways , im gonna leave it like that for now....
I really wanna see if any of these thoughts will change after my physical transition is over ...


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