Need advice, not judgment....please

[Gryffon]

I have met a wonderful girl online. And feelings have developed for both of us. Very strong ones. She recently confided to me that she is MtF. This in no way changed my view or feelings for her. Not in the least bit. One of the problems though is that I am straight, completely, and she is totally pre op. Her family doesn't even know, so she still looks, acts, and dresses like a man. I am only the 3rd person she has ever told in her life.

Because this didn't change my feelings for her at all, of course, I am extremely confused. I don't know if I would be able to have a physical relationship with her, and I will not chance the fact that I may reject her. It would kill us both (not literally).

Now please, remember, no judging. I have beaten myself up far more than any of you can for what I am about to admit...

I have a family. A woman I've dated for 16 years and 3 children. 13,6,&2 yr old. Our relationship is not important. All I need to say, is that I have my reasons for... allowing this to happen?

Also, none of my friends or family would ever be able to accept her or I. Ever. They aren't that type.

We have no doubts about our feelings for each other. None at all. But she brought something to my attention last night. I love her for who she WILL be. We both know it would either be difficult or impossible for me to have a physical relationship with her. For this reason she has cut our visual and verbal communication. She loves me for me, but, unfortunately, I do not reciprocate. Please don't misunderstand... She does not repulse me. But neither of us are willing to....experiment?... with a physical relationship.

And now she is questioning our relationship. She has a very long, hard road ahead of her. We both do. She wants to change. I've done some small amount of research and it is a very long process. I will ruin the lives of my family and be an outcast from my friends. And, I'm not bisexual. Pretty sure I'm not anyways...

Like I said, confused. lol! And I know no one can give me any answers. These are decisions I'll have to make on my own. But does anyone have any insight? Similar experiences they would like to share?

Advice?

[blueconstancy]

Simplest answer : she's a woman, you're straight, there's no reason this isn't a heterosexual relationship. (You don't need to interact with any physical parts of her that you can't manage, either; plenty of trans women prefer NOT to involve those parts in the bedroom.)

However, it sounds like you have a number of other issues in addition to the physical, including your ongoing relationship. So the real advice is not to worry so much about how to handle her transition unless/until you're in a position to offer her the relationship she wants anyway.

But if and when you can, there's no need to be bisexual.

[Athena]

See if you can talk to her therapist it might help.

[eli77]

Sometimes you meet people at the wrong moment in time.

There is a very long, hard road for both of you before you'd have the relationship that both of you want. Transition, regardless of other issues, can be really rough. And the person who comes out the other side, 2 or 5 or more years from now, might not be quite the same as the person you know now. Experiences shape us, our way of seeing and being in the world, and transition is one hell of an experience.

I don't know if you want or even can go through that with her as a partner.

And honestly, from my perspective, she needs a friend more than she needs a lover right now. Could you be that for her?

I'm sorry to be a downer, but... It is what it is.

[Crackpot]

I'm wondering the same thing as Sarah. She's going to need someone that supports her during this process. She'll need a shoulder to cry on and someone to share in her victories. Even if you're not ready for the romantic relationship, you could still be in her life and then see where that takes you. There's no rule that says it has to be one way or the other.

[Adam (birkin)]

Well, you can't change your orientation - if she still dresses and presents as a man, that's going to be a challenge for you, and that's not your fault. I know that I personally could not be with a trans woman who wasn't living full-time and on estrogen, even though I'd see and respect her as the woman she is, physically, the chemistry just wouldn't work out.

That being said, I find that most of the physical cues for femaleness come from estrogen. For many trans women the body shape changes, the skin texture changes, the body odor changes, breasts develop, body hair becomes very scarce...as she begins to present female she will probably do voice work and wear women's clothes. At that point the vast majority of cues are going to point to "female" and I imagine that, as a straight man, your body will react accordingly if you get my drift.

The pre-op issue could be a challenge. I find that for a lot of people that can go either way - sometimes it ends up not being as much of an issue as they thought (especially if she doesn't want you to touch her penis, which is very possible), but for others, it may end up being a problem. I guess what I am saying is you can't really know at this stage in time since she is still living as a guy. If you love her, and don't mind waiting to see what happens as she changes, it could turn out to be a really good thing.