Family drama (sort of, I think?)

[james-felix]

I'm not sure if anyone will have advise, but I'd like to rant all the same!

Long story short, I haven't been close to my family since I moved out at 17. I'm turning 25 next week, and out of the blue a few weeks ago, my mom appeared and offered to help pay for my school. This has been a huge struggle for me for years - I felt stuck in the restaurant industry and worried that separating from family support meant I had doomed myself for a good while longer. So her offering was a huge olive branch, and I think she means to make amends with me. Which is great.

Problem is, I haven't come out to any of my family yet. The timing is really hilarious, in that screw-you-universe way; I just had my first T shot yesterday.

Should I risk coming out and losing their support, doing everything the morally right way which will hopefully be a fresh start for us? Or do I take her money before telling her, risking another reason for her to disappear again? If I tell her before taking her money, I could lose the chance I've been waiting years for.

[Edge]

Depends. How much do you like or dislike your parents?
Personally, I'd just take whatever money I can get, but not rely on them.

[Daniel006]

I'm going to try to over-simplify this for sake of logic.  What you ultimately decide is up to you.

There are two actions you can take: come out before or after receiving the money.
There are two responses: acceptance or rejection.

By combining these two actions and two responses, you can get four results:

1. Come out before receiving the money and they accept.  Best possible reaction.

2. Come out before receiving money and they reject.  Essentially everything returns to how it was before the olive branch was offered.

3. Come out after receiving the money and they accept.  This response is bittersweet.  Although you would still have the financial assistance, there is potential for hurt feelings and a breech of trust.

4. Come out after receiving the money and they reject.  You get the money but will likely have even worse issues with your family for not coming out.


You can control your action, but you cannot control their reaction.  Assuming it is a 50/50 chance they will accept or reject, you are buying a metaphorical lotto ticket by choosing whether to come out before or after.

The first ticket, coming out before they help out financially, has the outcomes of money and acceptance, or returning to the status quo.

The second ticket, coming out after they help you financially, has the outcomes of you get the money and your family's acceptance with potential hurt feelings or you get the money but potentially lose your family.

Only you can decide how much each of those outcomes are worth to you.  If I were making the decision, I would come out before, because to me, the worst possible scenario of no change is better than the bad feelings created by waiting to come out.  However, I know that not everyone is in the same situation, so the guaranteed money from waiting to come out might outweigh the risk of hurt feelings from an estranged family.

The entirety of the above post assumes you have no idea what your family's reaction will be.  If you have any idea at all if they will accept or not, you can shift the chances away from 50/50 and more into your favor.  If you think they will accept, come out before.  If you think they will reject, come out after.

I wish you the best of luck with this difficult decision and hope my ramblings have helped make your decision easier.

[Jessica Merriman]

The timing is really hilarious, in that screw-you-universe way

No kidding, right? WOW, tough choice ahead.

[Ayden]

If it was me I would tell them and only accept the money if it was offered afterwards. I am not on good terms with my family either. But, if I took money after years without being totally upfront with them, I would feel a lot of guilt. It would be taking advantage of and using someone. Your mother is obviously trying to repair your relationship, and that can only happen with honesty.

That said, you have to make whatever choice you think is right. I think you should make a choice based on if you can live with that decision at the end of the day.

I wish you the best of luck.

[stephaniec]

tough decision. You know your family the best. I think also to consider is the money lump sum or installments. You don't want to end up dropping out midterm. I doubt their going to pay the complete tuition for the entire education up front , but if they did ,just take it and tell them after wards . Nothing was said on the contingency of whether you transition or not so the money is a separate issue.

[alabamagirl]

I'd take the money first. Honestly, I'm not seeing the moral imperative not to. Your worth to your mother should not depend on whether or not you're trans*. If she has a problem with it later and wishes she hadn't given you the money, that's on her, IMO.

[TotallyAwks]

Thats a REALLY though one.
I guess like everyone said before its a fairly big risk, depends how much you need the money i guess. Could you get by without it?
You can always come out to them, but not tell them about the T-shots and whatnot. Just tell them you're considering it or something? That way if they totally reject it you may be able to play it off or something and still get their financial support.
But if you really dont NEED the money then just tell them flat out and dont care about their reaction, always prepare for the worst tho.