My dad *thinks* he's supportive

[Keira]

Tonight when he dropped me off at home he asked me twice if I was going to be alright (I'm assuming he meant "alright alone")...I honestly didn't know what to think and just shrugged. (Back story, I was massively depressed this morning, now I feel nothing, hence why I shrugged)

Yet at least half of my depression is caused because of him and my mother constantly misgendering me/avoiding gender pronouns and avoiding my new and old names. (Which occasionally my old one slips out dramatically). I've tried to tell him and my mom just how much it hurts me, but it seems they don't care; otherwise they would have continued trying like they said they would. To make matters worse my name has been legally changed to Skyla and it makes no difference to them.

They say that they are supportive, but when I want to talk about something girl related I just shut up because I know I'll just get a snide remark. And if I'm depressed because of something transition related, it isn't even an option to talk to them. They simply don't want to be involved in helping me with my transition. I'm sure I wouldn't have half of the self hate I have if my parents said nice things and were supportive.

I'm out of options...and I can't leave because I'm dependent on them. Its just one more thing that makes my suicidal ideations and depression unbearable.

[mandonlym]

Parents are particularly tough, because they have all these associations with you. Hanging out with friends always helps. Twelve years after SRS, I now feel like I was too hard on mine, and try to imagine what they must have felt. It helps me to try to put myself in their position. If you need someone to talk to them I'd be happy to. Maybe we can all Skype together, etc. Sometimes it helps to just have someone outside what's going on to lend an opinion.

[Keira]

Parents are particularly tough, because they have all these associations with you. Hanging out with friends always helps. Twelve years after SRS, I now feel like I was too hard on mine, and try to imagine what they must have felt. It helps me to try to put myself in their position. If you need someone to talk to them I'd be happy to. Maybe we can all Skype together, etc. Sometimes it helps to just have someone outside what's going on to lend an opinion.

Thanks but they pretty much refuse to talk to anyone about trans stuff. I'm screwed.

[Ltl89]

Sorry Skyla.  Wish I had something productive to say, but I'm going through the same thing (except the supportive part).  I'll say this though, every little step they take is a sign of progress.  It may take forever, but at least it's an improvement.  That's how I try to see it in my life.  My mom went through severe opposition to severe denial and then to depression/slight opposition.  Even though it sucks and doesn't seem like progress, it actually is.  Have you seen any signs of progress, even very minimal ones, that show that there is hope?

[Keira]

Sorry Skyla.  Wish I had something productive to say, but I'm going through the same thing (except the supportive part).  I'll say this though, every little step they take is a sign of progress.  It may take forever, but at least it's an improvement.  That's how I try to see it in my life.  My mom went through severe opposition to severe denial and then to depression/slight opposition.  Even though it sucks and doesn't seem like progress, it actually is.  Have you seen any signs of progress, even very minimal ones, that show that there is hope?

Some things have changed, but the support I need from them to be emotionally stable and pull my life together is not there. So right now I'm pretty much suicidally depressed most of the time. Right now in the current moment...I am just apathetic...I don't care if I don't eat or sleep or anything.

I lost an opportunity to commit suicide recently, otherwise I would probably be dead right now...that and my boyfriend said he would kill himself if I died...and I couldn't do that to him.

Things have been pretty dark for the past four or so years...and I don't see any sign of things getting better any time soon.

[Idenya]

Konichi wa Skye San


Sounds like your parents are "trying " to make an effort. This has split my family in half, well not that it wasn't already LOL! My mother calls it GID crisis and that I should rejoin the ranks of the black male population because black men are in trouble! Last time we spoke on the phone this is what she said then I caught her and said, "Why would I rejoin if according to you i never left?" My dad before he passed away is so supportive he gave me my "real" name. Make the best of it, it could be worse!

Peace and love!

[JulieC.]

Things have been pretty dark for the past four or so years...and I don't see any sign of things getting better any time soon.

Sometimes it's up to us to find the silver lining hidden inside the dark clouds. 

OK your parents are not perfect and they are not giving you the support you need but at least they talk to you.  They seem to be trying a little and believe me that is something.  I have friends where their parents will not even talk to them.  I also have friends that have children that will have nothing at all to do with them so count the blessings you do have how ever insignificant they seem.  As Idenya said it could be worse.

I feel lucky because my wife is very supportive.  Yet,she has never actually called me by my female name.  I have never pressed her on it because I think it will some day come out naturally.  It will come because she will finally see me as female and not because I make her do it.  It's going to take time because she has to erase years and years of programming seeing me a man.  I believe it will happen.  I think you need to believe it will happen with your parents too.  I'm not suggesting you let them off the hook.  You should keep telling them how much it hurts you when they misgender you but be patient and realize it may take time.

[Rachel]

Skye Hugs,

I am sorry your parents are not 100% supportive. However, it sound like they do make some effort. It sounds like your boyfriend is supportive. I know you are in pain and I wish I could say something to make it better.

[Taka]

i have a mother who just can't help but negate absolutely everything i say. she has never been supportive, my step father has been too busy taking care of my younger siblings and being depressed because my mother failed to take care of them, and my father was too busy hating my mother. i only started to get anywhere with my own life when i realized that my parents will never be a pillar of support for me, i actually have to learn to stand my ground on my own two feet with nothing other than my own sense of balance to support me. giving up on making my mother understand has made life a little easier for me, i will do what i think is best for me, and let her take the full responsibility for her own opinions on that. i will only explain once, and then give her the time she needs. unfortunately, she's so insensitive and hopeless as a mother that i doubt she'll ever even want to try to understand me. though knowing this, at least i don't have to keep hoping for the impossible, though i'll be very happy if she suddenly does change.

you are still lucky if you can rely on your parents for your material needs. if you can talk to them about anything at all. not even cis hetero children get the support they need all the time. you only have a little more trouble to deal with than most kids. of course having your parents' support would be wonderful, and give you much more strength to get through your life. but at least they aren't locking you up in your room, denying you any right to transition?

real life is hard. dreams usually don't come true, and even if they do, that will only leave you with no more dreams and no reason to even try getting anywhere in your life. even so, this world is wonderful. and all those small wonders are what make life worth living. you'll see them much better if you look outside your house and take a moment to think about something other than the lack of support from your parents. find those few people who truly see you, and lean on them a little when the going gets hard.

i go through cycles of depression myself, but i do come out of them a little stronger for every time. i love life right now, probably for the first time in years. every day holds something good, and i remember those things so much better than any passing feeling of anxiety or depression.

[Shana-chan]

@Skye: I am glad you are still here (In this world and in this forum) and I am glad and happy to see you again. Perhaps your Dad saw you were depressed or something like that and was worried about you. I don't know BUT! I can say that I am in a similar situation as your own. I am full time as myself and atm dependent on my Dad, he, is a religious nut (no offense to anyone lol) and takes it TOO FAR! I finally had it out with him (Via email and in a nice way) and called him out on how his reasons for doing what he was doing to me, were not simply because of religion but because of himself (And the bad advice he'd gotten from others but I didn't tell him that part) and how he was singling me out but letting others go on a similar issue. Believe me, he refuses to call me by my female name (I haven't told him it because he has said twice now he'll not do so) and he refuses to call me by female pronouns. He brings up every now and again stuff related to the bible and uses it to suit his own agenda (Not like a religious person should btw) including calling me an Eunuch (Which I am not), pointing to my body at times and also trying to force me to dress in male clothing. We even had an agreement which he later broke after speaking to a certain person on the phone whose "Father" was trans too but reverted back. (Given what I know, this is NOT the kind of person you want to speak to for help with transgender) After my email, he has now since changed his mind so that, the agreement is mostly re-established. That said, though I am dependent on him, need him to take me to the grocery store, bring me my money from the bank and a few (Not many) other things besides transportation, I won't put up with him breaking the agreement anymore. His way he won't get, even if that means I have to take the bus, walk or some other way (Such as ask a neighbor for help) which other than the neighbor option, the other ways would be very hard on me but I can't do as he wants nor will I.

So you see Skye, (Would you rather I call you Skyla? Beautiful and lovely name btw) my situation is similar to yours and I know how hard it is and can be, not having hardly any support or feeling like you have no support and feeling like there is no hope, that things are moving so slow, or worse that they aren't moving. The pain, frustration, anxiety and so much more is hard to handle, not to mention the fear. As a result, suicidal thoughts pop into our head (Yes, I've had some myself but don't want to give up) but, would you rather be remembered as a guy or a girl? Me, girl, but that won't happen if we give up! It is going to be tough (Understatement) and it isn't going to be easy, but if you don't give up, things are sure to turn around at some point, it won't be soon odds are, it will be quite a while, but they should start to turn and you able to be yourself fully. As for support, you have us, any friends & family you may have who are supportive and you also have any other support group too. Sure it's not your mom & dad atm, and hopefully they'll come around, but even if not, you just got to put one foot in front of the other and move forward as best you can. Life isn't easy, there'll be times you'll be REALLY down, don't give up though and remember people care about you, worry about you and so on and remember that that's ALWAYS the case even if you don't think or believe so. Also remember your boyfriend and how devastated he'd be if you killed yourself. If your parents are there for you, even if not supportive of your transition, they being there for you means they must love and care about you, so it'd be devastating for them too if they lost you. People care and love you and worry about you. Always remember that. Got it memorized? Plus, if you died I would be sad too! I like you and I believe you're a good person so don't throw your life away and throw in the towel because your parents aren't supportive and things are tough for you.

Also, consider something here. Your parents know who you really are now, that is something they didn't know for many years and they might be in denial. I believe everyone handles stuff like this differently and that in the case of parents, they go through stages, such as denial and much more. It certainly isn't easy for them, and they probably feel like they're losing the child (gender wise) they thought they had. I know it doesn't compare to what we go through but it's still hard for them too. I hope things get better for you and hang in there!

real life is hard. dreams usually don't come true, and even if they do, that will only leave you with no more dreams and no reason to even try getting anywhere in your life. even so, this world is wonderful. and all those small wonders are what make life worth living. you'll see them much better if you look outside your house and take a moment to think about something other than the lack of support from your parents. find those few people who truly see you, and lean on them a little when the going gets hard.

It's true that dreams don't always come true, sometimes we even have to give up on them for whatever reason'(s) such as for a loved one but that doesn't mean we should give up and quit. Further more, I have to disagree with that once our dream has come true, there's nothing left. That isn't the case, if your dream has come true, go and find another one and try and make it come true. There's still plenty left in life after your dream has come true. But, even so, try finding something you can do in life that makes you happy and go for it!

[cisdad]

Tonight when he dropped me off at home he asked me twice if I was going to be alright (I'm assuming he meant "alright alone")...I honestly didn't know what to think and just shrugged. (Back story, I was massively depressed this morning, now I feel nothing, hence why I shrugged)

Yet at least half of my depression is caused because of him and my mother constantly misgendering me/avoiding gender pronouns and avoiding my new and old names. (Which occasionally my old one slips out dramatically). I've tried to tell him and my mom just how much it hurts me, but it seems they don't care; otherwise they would have continued trying like they said they would. To make matters worse my name has been legally changed to Skyla and it makes no difference to them.

They say that they are supportive, but when I want to talk about something girl related I just shut up because I know I'll just get a snide remark. And if I'm depressed because of something transition related, it isn't even an option to talk to them. They simply don't want to be involved in helping me with my transition. I'm sure I wouldn't have half of the self hate I have if my parents said nice things and were supportive.

I'm out of options...and I can't leave because I'm dependent on them. Its just one more thing that makes my suicidal ideations and depression unbearable.

No answers, but a couple of thoughts to try for size.  For later -- your first priority is get out of the place where you're thinking about harming yourself.

I'm dad to a trans son.  He was much older than you when he came out, and many other differences.  Still, I'm a dad.

One thing I notice is that you say your parents say they are supportive.  At least that they want to be, or think they are.  This is much better than some parents, which I realize isn't particularly relevant to your feelings.  But it isn't like parents have a handbook on how to respond when your child comes out as transgendered.  One of my questions to my son was just that -- what would be supportive.  Telling them what is hurtful doesn't quite do that.  Better is to say something like 'it would be supportive if you would -- call me by my correct name, use the correct gender pronouns, ..." (the first two on my son's list).

And parents take some training.  Even though I'm of an age to be cis-grandpa, not just cis-dad, my mother still calls me by my childhood name -- that I haven't used since I was 10.  It isn't an issue of my identity, so I don't remind her as much as you're going to want and need to with your parents.

But if they do want to be supportive, it's reminding of the right things to do that they need. No matter how much they've previously said they want to do the right thing by way of your new name or pronouns, they've known you a lot longer by the old ones.  Using the wrong ones, or avoiding it entirely, doesn't mean that they don't want to do the right thing.  I've been to PFLAG meetings with other parents and even ones who absolutely want to do the right thing, are very supportive of their children, still sometimes botch the pronouns even a year later.

For your parents, PFLAG might be an option -- they can talk to other parents of trans kids.

Or maybe they can post here in the parents side?  If you can get one or the other here, drop a reply to me and let me know.  I can speak to them from the parental view, as can others.