Girlfriend of an FTM seeking help and advice.

[Jessicadonnelly123]

Hi. It has taken me a long time to finally get the guts to come here and ask for help. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years, we had a wonderful relationship built on trust and love. He came out to me as transgender about a year into our relationship. I was extremely understanding. And honestly I kind of saw it coming. He lives with me, an my entire family made the switch extremely easy for him. The only problem is that HIS family is not so accepting. For the past couple months he has been getting distant from me. We had sex less, fought constantly, and it usually always ended in me begging him to spend just a little time with me. You see, he had been talking to a group of people online, almost all of them were transgender. He told me multiple times that talking to this group made him feel so much more accepted socially, because they were all kind of going through the same thing. I understood that, yet found that he was talking to them too much. It was getting in the way of our relationship an that hurt me.

One night we had a big argument, and he ended up leaving for the night. He said that he needed time to think about what he wanted, since he felt so trapped staying with me. He said he felt trapped because I would constantly get upset when he wanted to talk to his friend. Which personally, I only got upset when he would talk to them from the moment he woke up until the moment he went to bed. But, anyways. He went back to his house. While he was there he went more in depth with his parents, really explaining to them what he wanted and the fact that he was feeling trapped in his body and that he needed help. They did not take it well. And actually told him to get over it. So he begged be to Come home. I of course let him. But when he got here, he said that he still needed time to think about being in a relationship with me, he said that he already feels trapped within himself and doesn't need the added pressure of being trapped in a relationship. I told him I understood, even though it killed me.

Anyways, days go by and he is still doing exactly what he did before he left. Taking to his friends non stop, never spending time with me, and being outwardly rude and inconsiderate every time I wanted to talk about US. So one night I ask him if there is someone else in his life. And he kind of comes clean and tells me that there is a boy he met, who is cis but gay, that he thinks he has a crush on. And that made my entire world fall. He then told me that he doesn't love me anymore and that he can't see us together in the future. So to make a long story short, he is still living here. He gets extremely mad every time I want to talk about us. He talks to this boy all the time, and said that he likes him. I am so lost that all I do is sleep. And I can here him flirting with this boy and it kills me. But I can't show it. Because if I do he gets mad and tells me that he just needs his space, he says he love me but only wants me to be his friend. What do I do? I need help. I just want him back. Someone please help me.

[Adam (birkin)]

Well, I have to question if he is really worth getting back.

Seriously. He prioritizes this friend over you, he tells you he feels trapped in your relationship, walks out, comes back when mommy and daddy don't want to support him, and then continues to live with you and flirts with this boy while you're heartbroken and can hear it all...

As far as I am concerned, if that was my partner, and they did that to me, they'd no longer be living with me. There's no "thinking about" being with you when he devotes his time and flirtation to some guy. You deserve better. If he wants to "think about" if he wants to be with you, he either needs to support his own ass while he gets his thoughts in order, or live with you and actually devote some effort to your relationship to see if that's what he wants. How can he know whether he wants to be with you if he doesn't even try?

I hear so many stories about trans men who cheat (sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally) on their gfs with men. And the girls give everything to this guy because they want to support him through his transition. Being trans or going through a hard time is no excuse to be a bad partner. End of discussion.

I feel very sorry for you, and I really encourage you to look after yourself before you even consider getting back with him or trying to support him.

[Jessicadonnelly123]

I guess I didn't really see it in that light. I also have seen many posts about FTM men wanting to experiment with cis gay men while they are first starting out with their transition. I really appreciate this insight and I am still very confused as to what I am going to do with him. I felt like I was truly the only one putting in any effort, but last night we talked again. I stayed very calm and made sure to not make him angry in any way.
I started off by asking if he REALLY felt like he liked this boy, and he said that he didnt know. He then said that he thinks he likes the attention that this boy gives him because this boy is interested in other men. He says that he feels more like a man when he talks to this boy, because this boy flirts with him, thus making him feel more like a man. I said that it does make sense, but that it is disrespectful to be talking to anyone in a romantic way while still living with me. He agreed, he said that he knows that he wants to be with me, and that he really is just trying to find where he fits right now. I said that I understand and that I feel like he is really going to make more progress when he starts his gender therapy, because then it will really feel like he is moving forward (His first appointment is on the 5th of February).
Before we went to bed he told me that he still loves me, but he wants to fall back in love with me when he feels more like the person he wants to be. He said that he knows that we can work through this, and that in the end we will be back together, and have a better relationship because of this break.
I really am going to take this time to work on the parts of myself I believe need changes. For example, I would talk for him too often, I am very loud while he is more quiet and reserved, so if someone did something to him that I know he didnt like, I would speak up. I know now that since he is really early in his transition that he needs to let himself grow, and one thing he wants to work on is talking for himself, so I am really going to try to let him speak his mind and say what HE wants to say, rather than say what I THINK he wants to say.
I think in a few days or even after he starts therapy, I am going to talk to him about this boy, and tell him that I believe he should limit his contact with this boy to only a friendship. Just due to the fact that I believe we should be working on US, and when that boy isnt around, we do an awesome job at communicating and letting eachother know how we are feeling. But I really hope he will realize that this boy is hindering us in our growth without me having to say anything, I hope he sees that this is a problem and that flirting with this boy is extremely disrespectful to me, and the relationship we both built.
Lastly I will just say that I think he is trying a little more every day, he is seeing that I will stick around for him, and that I will be there to support him even if he is at his lowest point. Last night we had a tickle fight (dumb, I know), and he said that sometimes he really wants to kiss me, and to just hold me, but he knows he should wait and spend some time working on himself, and let me work on myself.
I did actually do things that I never would have done for myself before, I actually shaved my legs and everything (something I never had time to do as often as I wanted to). I did a really nice face mask, I wear a teeny ammount of makeup every day, and make myself honestly just feel so good. My skin is clear, and I am eating AWESOME.
I see he has a lot of growing to do, a LOT of growing (and a lot of growing up).
But I hope that we can work together to build a stronger relationship and one day be able to look back on this and laugh. So I guess I just wanted to know if anyone has had a hard time when they first started transitioning, and if they would have any tips on making him feel more comfortable with me, maybe not have to depend on other people to make himself feel okay?
I know this is really long, but I just want to work on myself, have him work on himself, and also work on us, without the distraction of another boy. Things are getting better, little by little, and I just hope we can make changes that will help us grow.
Thank you for listening!
I will continue to update here, and if anyone has ANY advice, WHATSOEVER, I am willing to listen.
- Jessica. 

[Catherine Sarah]

Well, I have to question if he is really worth getting back.

Seriously. He prioritizes this friend over you, he tells you he feels trapped in your relationship, walks out, comes back when mommy and daddy don't want to support him, and then continues to live with you and flirts with this boy while you're heartbroken and can hear it all...

As far as I am concerned, if that was my partner, and they did that to me, they'd no longer be living with me. There's no "thinking about" being with you when he devotes his time and flirtation to some guy. You deserve better. If he wants to "think about" if he wants to be with you, he either needs to support his own ass while he gets his thoughts in order, or live with you and actually devote some effort to your relationship to see if that's what he wants. How can he know whether he wants to be with you if he doesn't even try?

I hear so many stories about trans men who cheat (sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally) on their gfs with men. And the girls give everything to this guy because they want to support him through his transition. Being trans or going through a hard time is no excuse to be a bad partner. End of discussion.

I feel very sorry for you, and I really encourage you to look after yourself before you even consider getting back with him or trying to support him.

This. ^^^^^ ticks all boxes. I feel birkin has nailed it to the point that nothing else can be added.

I sincerely hope you can move on to a better place where you'll be appreciated for your own self worth. You deserve it.

Huggs
Catherine

[invisiblemonsters]

i feel like he's saying all these "nice" things to you, to keep you around in case what ever he has with this dude doesn't work out. that, or with any other person when he's trying to "figure" it out. i mean..you can't say all this nice stuff to you how he wants to kiss you and w/e then go flirt with some one else. it's just..playing you. i get that he needs to figure himself out, figure out what he wants and w/e but i don't think he should be dragging you through the mud and giving you all this hope while he does it. he can't have his cake and eat it too, you know?

there is no excuse for him paying more attention to someone else, or flirting with someone else while with you, or living with you. there's no excuse to sweet talk you then go make someone else a priority. transitioning or not, there is no excuse. there is a lot of trans guys who end up cheating on the person they're with because of w/e reason. however..that reason isn't an excuse. if you feel you want to go screw around, you leave your relationship. transitioning is not an excuse to cheat no matter what. no matter what they're feeling and it doesn't make you, or anyone in a relationship with someone like that, an ->-bleeped-<- or selfish or not sympathetic or w/e else because you didn't take them back or left or w/e else.

in my opinion, you should just..let him do w/e but don't fall into him sweet talking you or bringing you back when ever he wants you that one day just to have you be ignored the next. when it hits the fan with this guy, i have a good suspicion he will come running back to you. i don't think you should let that happen. you deserve better. he obviously has things to figure out and he needs to do that alone and i don't think you should let him use you as a safety net kind of thing. you can be there and support him as a friend, sure, w/e but as for more..no. you can't hope he will come running back or things will change with therapy (although it helps) and you can't put up with his crappy attitude in hopes he will change and love you and w/e else.

one thing that backs this up i think is when he says he doesn't love you anymore and says he can't see a future with you but then tells you he wants to love you again (aka when stuff doesn't work out with this dude probably) and can see you being together or w/e he said. come on man, make up your mind! it's bs imo and i think if you talk it out, you need to keep in mind that maybe being with him isn't the best idea and you can do better. him being trans and going through w/e doesn't excuse him from anything. keep that in mind too.

sorry if i sound too cynical but i wouldn't want you or anyone being with someone who picks and chooses when they want you and w/e.

[MacG]

I'd ask yourself... Is this what YOU want? Sure, he is going through a lot, and you want to be supportive, but remember to listen to yourself. Set some rules of what is and isn't acceptable to you.

You sound very loving and I hope it all works out for both of you!

[TheLance]

I swear when I read the first paragraph I thought you were my ex, lol. She and I got distant when I realized I was trans. But I came to. We broke up for other reasons.
Anyway, as I'm sure everyone has said that basically gender, or lack of, doesn't give anyone the excuse to treat someone else badly. That's just a crappy thing to do all around. Trans* people are just people, and yes we have some insanely difficult struggles, but we're human and should be treated the same as any other S/O. This is just my opinion, I understand not everyone will agree. All I'm saying is, trans* or not, we're all equal, relationships included.
If a guy is treating you bad, you don't need to keep him around because obviously he doesn't care. Any guy.

[tap13]

Hi. It has taken me a long time to finally get the guts to come here and ask for help. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years, we had a wonderful relationship built on trust and love. He came out to me as transgender about a year into our relationship. I was extremely understanding. And honestly I kind of saw it coming. He lives with me, an my entire family made the switch extremely easy for him. The only problem is that HIS family is not so accepting. For the past couple months he has been getting distant from me. We had sex less, fought constantly, and it usually always ended in me begging him to spend just a little time with me. You see, he had been talking to a group of people online, almost all of them were transgender. He told me multiple times that talking to this group made him feel so much more accepted socially, because they were all kind of going through the same thing. I understood that, yet found that he was talking to them too much. It was getting in the way of our relationship an that hurt me.



One night we had a big argument, and he ended up leaving for the night. He said that he needed time to think about what he wanted, since he felt so trapped staying with me. He said he felt trapped because I would constantly get upset when he wanted to talk to his friend. Which personally, I only got upset when he would talk to them from the moment he woke up until the moment he went to bed. But, anyways. He went

back to his house. While he was there he went more in depth with his parents, really explaining to them what he wanted and the fact that he was feeling trapped in his body and that he needed help. They did not take it well. And actually told him to get over it. So he begged be to Come home. I of course let him. But when he got here, he said that he still needed time to think about being in a relationship with me, he said that he already feels trapped within himself and doesn't need the added pressure of being trapped in a relationship. I told him I understood, even though it killed me.



Anyways, days go by and he is still doing exactly what he did before he left. Taking to his friends non stop, never spending time with me, and being outwardly rude and inconsiderate every time I wanted to talk about US. So one night I ask him if there is someone else in his life. And he kind of comes clean and tells me that there is a boy he met, who is cis but gay, that he thinks he has a crush on. And that made my entire world
fall. He then told me that he doesn't love me anymore and that he can't see us together in the future. So to
make a long story short, he is still living here. He gets extremely mad every time I want to talk about us. He talks to this boy all the time, and said that he likes him. I am so lost that all I do is sleep. And I can here him flirting with this boy and it kills me. But I can't show it. Because if I do he gets mad and tells me that he just needs his space, he says he love me but only wants me to be his friend. What do I do? I need help. I just want him back. Someone please help me.

Well that is very rough. I am an FTM and my lover and wife of 13 years said she now wants her lesbian life back and is not attracted to my masculinity anymore. I have not even started any transition but in Ftm support groups and will be seeing doctor this month. None of this is new or a surprise to her. She's too stays on her phone texting. She is very guarded and gets upset if I try to talk about. I think she is communicating with a love interest or possibly is using a lesbian dating site. It is a nightmare and I feel for you. I don't have any quick fix. Either he sits done and talks or you will need to ask yourself how long can you tolerate this. That is what I am going through now.