Self-Image not keeping pace with reality?

[Carrie Liz]

Another problem that I'm having, which I want to know if anyone else has had problems with or not...

Here's the deal:

According to just about everyone who's been talking to me recently, I'm passing now. I'm getting gendered female more often than not, haven't had any social problems whatsoever recently, and there's many people who I suspect want to pound my head in because they've been telling me to just go full-time and get it over with for months now.

But for some reason, my self-perception just doesn't seem to be keeping pace with reality.

I realized this a couple days ago. When I first woke up, I realized that I was still seeing my old self in my head when I pictured who I was based on the self-image in my head. So that's still who I'm seeing myself as. When I actually go in front of the mirror now, and suddenly see how feminine I am now, I'm almost always surprised. It's not a bad surprised, though, it's a very good surprised. I smile whenever I see that feminine self looking back at me.

So here's the thing... even though I'm still seeing that old self in my head as if he's still my actual self, I don't WANT to be seeing that old self in my head. That old self makes me feel MISERABLE every time that I imagine that I still am him. It's almost like I'm just expecting the same thing that had been happening to me for years, where I had just internalized that I was a guy and relegated myself to hating my appearance. So when I say that that's the self that I'm still seeing, that doesn't mean that that's the self I want to be. I am VERY happy every time I look in the mirror and my self-image is proven wrong because I see a self that I actually do like rather than the "sigh... there's my same old miserable male self that I hate. Stupid male features. Stupid square face. Stupid hideous uncute self."

And when I actually do look at myself, that's NOT the self that I see anymore. Ever.

But still, this disconnect is making it VERY hard to accept myself as a girl. Because the self I'm still seeing in my head isn't a girl, it's a guy, so I have a hard time believing that I really am female, despite overwhelming external evidence and despite still feeling a very deep connection with the female gender identity and wishing that I was a girl. (I guess that's the thing... I'm still seeing myself as a guy who wishes that he was a girl, instead of actually being a girl.)

Anyone else have an issue with this? Does it mean anything? Is it something that goes away, or should I be concerned?

[Jennygirl]

Go full time before I swat you with a wiffle bat!

Ok all jokes aside it seems to me the reason we live as ourselves is because we feel it from the inside-out. But some of that feeling comes from the outside-in by developing experience and getting yourself out there on a regular basis (aka full time).

Full time for me was the key to the door where I started seeing myself as I wanted. I swear there is some kind of chemical reaction that occurs when you go full time. The brain makes the switch very quickly when you forget about going back.

[Colleen♡Callie]

I have the opposite issue really.  My mental self image had never lined up.  It's always been female, and although I'm never really jarred by seeing my reflection (I know and expect what I'll see) I've never been able to form a mental image of what I actually look like. 

Hopefully once I transition and start passing, I'll finally be able to adjust my mental image to match my physical self.

Adjusting one's mental image is not as simple as the rest.  It's really just  a lifetime of habit that needs to be corrected  however, you aren't being constantly corrected because you rarely actually see yourself throughout the day. 

It'll happen eventually, but if you want to speed it up, maybe spend sometime looking in the mirror or a photo, memorizing how you look now, and when you use your mental image of yourself stop and replace your old mental image with the new one.  If you find it hard to picture how you are now, take a moment to refresh your memory with a picture or mirror, then do so.

Thr more you see yourself as is the more it should correct itself, because you build the connection that this person is you.  My issue was as an artist and writer, I spent more time drawing my true self then looking in a mirror or photo.  So the associations between image and myself were being reinforced more to my true self than my physical self.  So I kinda do what I suggest, just away from the me in the mirror.

Um I hope this makes sense, I kinda ramble.

[Carrie Liz]

^And see, I had that problem too pre-transition. I saw this ideal image in my head of what I felt I looked like, and just felt horribly wrong and disconnected every time I saw that hideous masculine self in the mirror. But I seem to have also internalized the self that I really was, and just kind of relegated the female self-image to this place of "well, this is what I WANT to look like, but this is ACTUALLY what I look like."

Maybe Jenny's right, though. Part of this is just because I'm still in the habit of having to dress up in "guy mode" every day to go to work, so I'm still just seeing that as my default state of existence, while I'm still viewing "girl mode" as something that I have to dress up as in order to be, rather than what I actually am.

[Colleen♡Callie]

It could be very much that.

I still think the more you see yourself as is, and connect that with being you, the more your image will shift to the real you now.  The biggest hurdle is the fact you don't see yourself externally as often as others do, and in between looking in the mirror, or at a photo, you default to your mental image.  The more you see and associate yourself with the new you, especially when dressed as the real you, the more that will override your mental image.

Which I think also works in conjunction with Jenny's post.  Going full time will constantly reinforce you being physically female in appearance, not just when you look in the mirror or such, but also knowing that you are currently presenting your true self to the world daily, reminding you.  It is the very much the key, but not the only way if you can't swing full time yet.

[Ms Grace]

At the risk of sounding new agey perhaps some self affirmations are in order. You need to start changing your internal dialogue somehow because it is holding you back from living your life as you would prefer to live it.

[JaimeD]

Heck, even after 8 years of fulltime, I've still got that problem. I don't know if I will ever get past it or not. I just try not to let it govern my behavior or interaction with others, so I have learned to just not think about it when I'm around other people. It gets to me most when I am alone, mostly at home. As for affirmations, I've tried it, the most believable I can be to myself though seems to be to look in the mirror and tell myself that I'm not that ugly, so the low self esteem side of me can be appeased and not bug me so darned much. My therapist years ago tried to get me to tell myself that I'm beautiful and all that, but to me, its like lying to myself.


So basically, I guess I've just learned to deal with it in my own weird way. I get by anyhow.

[Ltl89]

Yeah, as you know, i'm sort of going through something like this myself.  One thing that helps me is to look at old photos.  Whenever I look at pics of me before my transition, it really shows me how different I am.  Sometimes a reminder of how much change is really going on is really important.  That might help you erase what you think you're seeing and help you focus on all the new features.  All in all, something tells me though that this will only change with experience and time.  It seems like most people go through this phase because of residual image and require time for it to alter.   Is there a particular reason you are delaying full time?  Honestly, I feel you pass from what I see, but I understand how you feel because I'm in a similar boat.

[Carrie Liz]

Is there a particular reason you are delaying full time?  Honestly, I feel you pass from what I see, but I understand how you feel because I'm in a similar boat.

I'm still dealing with a lot of days where I honestly don't feel like I want to go out as a girl. And I believe the root of this problem is that I still don't really believe that I'm passing. Every time I'm out in a blatantly-female presentation, I'm always constantly nervous an on-edge, scared to death that I'm not passing, scared to death that I look weird, scared that I look blatantly-trans. This fear, and these inadequacies, are holding me back despite the fact that I HATE being gendered male and treated like a guy every single time I don't go out as a girl. It's a constant battle between feeling like my gender identity is being unrecognized, and the sheer amount of fear I have to deal with every single time I go out.

I mentioned this in your topic... in my own mind, I still don't really believe that I'm passing. I only started believing it (on a superficial level at least) because of external evidence.

Plus I overthink everything, so I will admit that I'm probably spending WAY more time making sure that I really do want to do this before making the leap than others do. The permanence of it scares me. I want to make absolutely sure that I'm really really sure about it. So I'm sorting out every single one of these little doubts.

[Ltl89]

I'm still dealing with a lot of days where I honestly don't feel like I want to go out as a girl. And I believe the root of this problem is that I still don't really believe that I'm passing. Every time I'm out in a blatantly-female presentation, I'm always constantly nervous an on-edge, scared to death that I'm not passing, scared to death that I look weird, scared that I look blatantly-trans. This fear, and these inadequacies, are holding me back despite the fact that I HATE being gendered male and treated like a guy every single time I don't go out as a girl. It's a constant battle between feeling like my gender identity is being unrecognized, and the sheer amount of fear I have to deal with every single time I go out.

I mentioned this in your topic... in my own mind, I still don't really believe that I'm passing. I only started believing it (on a superficial level at least) because of external evidence.

Plus I overthink everything, so I will admit that I'm probably spending WAY more time making sure that I really do want to do this before making the leap than others do. The permanence of it scares me. I want to make absolutely sure that I'm really really sure about it. So I'm sorting out every single one of these little doubts.

God, we are very alike, lol.  I know exactly how you feel.  That's why I'm still trying to improve and fix my own self image before attempting full time and passing.    Is there anything in partcular that makes you feel this way?  Is there anything that you'd like to change that's reasonable or your able to experiment with?  Maybe changing things up will make you feel more comfortable even if it isn't needed.  Other than that, maybe the experience of full time will get rid of these doubts.  For example, I doubt I'll ever believe I pass until I'm living full time and it happens all the time.  I think there is only so much comfort and preparation we can have before stepping forward.   In any event, I totally get you and feel the same way. 

[Jessica Merriman]

Carrie it is like my Drill Instructor told me one time "Free you mind and your *ss will follow". I freed my mind when I went full time. I know you want to be sure and that is very intelligent, but once you accept yourself it is easy to be the real you. I have been blown away by my progress and acceptance so far. My Therapist jokingly said yesterday there MUST be something wrong with me because it should have been harder to adapt. Once I went full time the doubts, nervousness and all the other baggage went away. I personally believe as long as you let yourself be a person of two worlds you will have this dilemma often and choosing which path to follow will get harder as time goes by. You pass very well from what I have seen so far. Have a little faith in yourself!

[Ms Grace]

What you're going through now is what I went through during my first attempt at transition, I was 26 months on HRT and apparently entirely passable but refused to believe it. That's why it was my first attempt, it went pear-shaped, then crashed and burned and I turned my back on it for twenty plus years telling myself I'd clearly been insane, that I wasn't trans*, tried to believe it never happened. That was twenty plus years of feeling increasingly miserable and isolated about my gender. This time things couldn't be more different - the primary factor being belief in myself. Not as a "he" or as a "she" but as "me". Self-confidence is the key, yes it's easier said than done but why are you doubting yourself? You look great! As for what you think when you wake up, I'd wager the majority of cis women don't wake up in the morning thinking "yay, I'm a woman and I'm going to do womanly things today"...but they probably do think about what they're going to wear, getting their hair right, etc. Maybe that's all you need to do too...

[Carrie Liz]

Self-confidence is the key, yes it's easier said than done but why are you doubting yourself? You look great! As for what you think when you wake up, I'd wager the majority of cis women don't wake up in the morning thinking "yay, I'm a woman and I'm going to do womanly things today"...but they probably do think about what they're going to wear, getting their hair right, etc. Maybe that's all you need to do too...

I guess it's because every single time I'm getting dressed in those clothes, deciding what to wear, I have to fight with worries about whether I look female enough, whether I'm clockable, whether I look blatantly trans or not. And the whole time I'm out, these thoughts persist.

And again, I'm SO happy whenever I go out and really believe that I'm passing, and really being accepted as a girl, feeling emotionally free and right, for those few brief minutes. But it's almost like my mind is refusing to believe it. It's refusing to let go of the clockable hideously-masculine image of myself that's in my head. It's almost like I'm purposefully clinging to my old self that made me miserable over my new self that makes me happy, because that old state, however miserable, however much I don't like him, is what's familiar and safe.

I've noticed this recently... during my last two "presentation check" videos, I couldn't see anything male about me. But over the last 2 days, I've been watching those videos over and over and over again, looking for flaws, almost like I'm deliberately looking for some way that I still look like a guy. And I do this before I go out in public every single time too. If I look good upon first glance, I deliberately turn to unflattering angels, take videos from the back, take videos from angles that I know I'm not as feminine from. It's almost like I'm intentionally trying to prove to myself that I'm not passing for some reason.

What you're going through now is what I went through during my first attempt at transition, I was 26 months on HRT and apparently entirely passable but refused to believe it. That's why it was my first attempt, it went pear-shaped, then crashed and burned and I turned my back on it for twenty plus years telling myself I'd clearly been insane, that I wasn't trans*, tried to believe it never happened. That was twenty plus years of feeling increasingly miserable and isolated about my gender.

I should also mention, I am not thinking about stopping HRT. Nor could I ever. It was the difference between feeling brain-dead and feeling alive again. I've known pretty much since day 1 that it was what my mind had been missing for my entire adult life. Even my own mother is telling me that she can see how much happier I am now, how much more open, how much more social and connected to the world. So this isn't a matter of giving up and de-transitioning. I love having a female body too much, and could NEVER stand going back to being hairy, muscular, shapeless, and half-bald. It's just a matter of having a hard time getting myself over the hurdle of the social parts of it, which I have indeed been having a really hard time with since day 1.

[Adam (birkin)]

This is a huge problem for me. I'm clearly seen as male, female genderings are super rare. But I see female in the mirror almost all the time. So it makes me insecure and unhappy, and it also is making it hard to progress emotionally with the transition. I don't really know why it happens, but you're definitely not alone.

[Ms Grace]

It's just a matter of having a hard time getting myself over the hurdle of the social parts of it, which I have indeed been having a really hard time with since day 1.

It's a shame you're not in Sydney or I'd invite you along to one of our regular social get togethers in a flash!

[suzifrommd]

That's me, Carrie. Everyone in the world sees me as female except myself. I feel like I do so many characteristically male things and have so many male tells, that it's often hard for me to convince myself I deserve my gender.

I've made up my mind that I'm going to live with that. These feelings don't seem to be going away, so I'm going to enjoy my experience living as a female and enjoy being gendered as one, even if I have trouble seeing it.

It's not hard. I'm so thrilled to be living as a woman that the fact that I might never see myself as a woman is something I can handle.

BTW, I got a jolt of dysphoria when I saw your avatar. I thought, "I wish I could be beautiful and feminine looking like she is." Just thought you might want to know.

[Carrie Liz]

BTW, I got a jolt of dysphoria when I saw your avatar. I thought, "I wish I could be beautiful and feminine looking like she is." Just thought you might want to know.

Oh God, please don't tell me I'm one of those girls now... I hate those girls...

Well, that's a wake-up call...

[Jessica Merriman]

Oh God, please don't tell me I'm one of those girls now

Uh, you're one of those girls now?! *giggle*

[GnomeKid]

Carrie it is like my Drill Instructor told me one time "Free you mind and your *ss will follow". I freed my mind when I went full time. I know you want to be sure and that is very intelligent, but once you accept yourself it is easy to be the real you. I have been blown away by my progress and acceptance so far. My Therapist jokingly said yesterday there MUST be something wrong with me because it should have been harder to adapt. Once I went full time the doubts, nervousness and all the other baggage went away. I personally believe as long as you let yourself be a person of two worlds you will have this dilemma often and choosing which path to follow will get harder as time goes by. You pass very well from what I have seen so far. Have a little faith in yourself!

Confidence is key!

[and just so you know, everyone is quite right.  If your avatar speaks any truth about the real thing you're passing VERY WELL i'd never suspect a thing.  (and just to increase your guilt over being one of "those girls" =p) You're quite beautiful as well! I really wouldn't hesitate to compare you to Idina Menzel.)

[KelsieJ]

I get the self-doubt a lot too. I'm obsessed with losing weight. I need to lose weight for health reasons, but I feel my weight makes me "manly" and have a huge problem with it, but when I do go out on the rare occasion I go out, I seem to be gendered correctly. But it's a huge issue for me.