How do you deal with people who don't accept you?

[Ryan1995]

Dealing with people who don't accept me is always a challenge for me. This weekend I have to go out for dinner with my family for my sister's birthday and I always hate going out for a number of reasons, but one of them is because my dad always waits for the girls at the table to order before him. It's only my sister, mom, dad and I. So that's uncomfortable for me and I always feel dysphoric and depressed because I know I'm not being seen as who I am. And also my dad opens up the door for either my sister or me. Most recently it's always been my door that he opens up. The last time we went out he walked towards my door to open it for me and I stopped him before he could do it. I'm pretty sure he thought it was weird for me to stop him, but if he ever did it again I would do the same thing. Because I'm not a woman. My body and my chromosomes don't define who I am. I'm a man and I just want to be treated like one. When we have friends or relatives over I wish I could just shake hands with the other guys and not have to hug. I look over at my dad greeting people and all he has to do is shake hands or man hug the other guys while I have to hug them which is very uncomfortable for me to do since I'm not a hugger and I don't want them to feel my chest. Sometimes I want to scream and just go off on these people. I've had several conversations with my parents about how I feel and it's like they don't even hear me sometimes. I just wish they would put themselves in my shoes. My life could be a little bit easier if my dad wouldn't open the door for me or maybe he could order after my mom or sister ordered and then he could order. And then maybe I wouldn't feel so frustrated and depressed while eating my dinner. Some of my relatives are coming over for my graduation in a few months. My grandmother is coming and she always calls me a young lady. If she comes into my room and it's a little messy she tells me I'm a young lady and I shouldn't keep my room messy. It doesn't matter what conversation we are having she always finds a way to call me a young lady. And I'm pretty sure since I'm graduating from high school she'll tell me I'm becoming a woman or a young lady. It's frustrating. I don't know how long it will be until I get the chance to transition. It may be this year or it could be in a couple of years. I don't really know. But I do know that for now people are seeing me as a female even when I express to them that I don't feel this way. How do you deal with people , particularly family, who don't see you as a guy or don't accept you?

[amZo]

Just be confident in who you are, worry about what you have control over... which is you and never others. In time they may come around.

[King Malachite]

I know the feeling.  I'm not in my transition yet either and the family members that I have told doesn't accept me as a guy, especially my father who told me that no matter what, I will always be his daughter and never his son.  My best advice to you is to start mapping out your transition plan.  I'm thinking you're graduating high school so now is a good time to start planning your transition. When you have a sense of direction, it will make it much easier for you to just grin and bear it at home because you know that you will not be in that situation forever.  Next, I suggest doing what you can to feel as much of a guy as you can, whether that be cutting your hair, wearing men's clothes, or even talking in a slightly deeper voice, or whatever makes you feel more comfortable.  When you go out with your family and your dad insists on you going first, tell him that you haven't finished deciding what you wanted to eat and insist that he goes ahead and orders.  When your father opens up the door for you, think of the positive: like you don't have to touch a germ-covered door that many other people have touched, and if your father wants to get his hand dirty, then let him.  If you want to shake a guy's hand or give them a man hug instead, just do so.  Stand far enough back to where YOU are the one initiating contact.  You be the one extending your hand out for a handshake.  Try to dictate how the hug goes too, if you can.  If the person brings you in for a more intimate hug, then just grin and bear it.  I agree with Nikko: be confident in who you are and secure in your masculinity.  I know it's hard, but I believe you can do it.  Hang in there.   

[dreaming.forever]

When we have friends or relatives over I wish I could just shake hands with the other guys and not have to hug. I look over at my dad greeting people and all he has to do is shake hands or man hug the other guys while I have to hug them which is very uncomfortable for me to do since I'm not a hugger and I don't want them to feel my chest.

If I were you, I'd just tell them exactly that: "I'm not a hugger. I would rather just shake hands." Or if they're convinced that you do like hugs, tell them something like, "I used to be a hugger, but I'm not so touchy-feely anymore. Let's just shake hands." I'd suggest you leave your gender out of it, since it doesn't sound like they're accepting of that aspect of you; then they'll see it only as an issue of personal space and will be more likely to shake hands instead.

As for other gender-related stuff, like your dad opening the door for you or waiting for you to order first, I'd suggest you simply stop thinking of it as a "this is happening because they think I'm female" type of thing and just see it as something he does to be polite. My dad opens doors for people regardless of gender, and my (cis) brother used to get mad at him about it, but once my brother started seeing it as nothing more than a polite gesture, he didn't have a problem with it anymore. Your perceptions are what determine your emotions and therefore dysphoria, so if you can't change the situation (e.g. get your dad to see you as the man you are), change your mind, and your dysphoria will lessen.

As someone who's currently stuck in the middle of transition (deep voice from T, but I can't bind anymore and surgery's a long way off due to financial issues), I've found the absolute best way to handle it all is to change the way I see things. I can't remove certain triggers in my life, such as people gawking at me when I walk down the street, or being called my girl name by bank tellers or whomever. But I can change how I perceive it and therefore how I'll react; instead of getting embarrassed or angry at hearing my girl name, I dissociate with it and view it in the same way that I view the number assigned to me on my state ID: it's just a legality with no real emotional meaning. Same goes for walking down the street: instead of freaking out over whether people are staring at my chest, I either imagine a world in which everyone else is also trans (but post-op) and I'm nothing out of the ordinary, or I simply focus on whatever I'm doing out in public rather than what my body looks like.

So, same thing goes with dealing with your grandmother calling you "young lady" and the like. Don't think of it the way you normally do. Try to be emotionally detached from it and view it as something neutral (such as how the word "the" is neutral in comparison to the words "hate" or "shame," which likely evoke negative memories in everyone to some degree). I know it sucks, but try to view it less as a term that categorizes you as being "female" and more as a term of endearment.

Another option is you might want to tell your grandmother that you would prefer she called you by a nickname (maybe think of a gender-neutral one so she won't reject the idea outright) instead of "young lady." If she switches to saying you're becoming a woman, you might be able to get her to say you're becoming a adult (or young adult, whatever) and you prefer that.

I hope things go well for you.

[Jessica Merriman]

A lot of this sounds just like polite upbringing and to some degree muscle memory. I think it will be accepted over time. Remember he is transitioning as well and we all transition at different speeds and comfort levels. I'm sure he does not do this intentionally, but only naturally. I would give him the benefit of doubt right now.

[GnomeKid]

I have a very accepting family, and friends.  In all honesty I've come across very little adversity in my transition, and very little bullying ect. growing up due to being different.  I guess I'm just saying that to make clear that you should take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. 

I didn't expect anyone to recognize me as male before I outwardly appeared as male.  I didn't even expect male pronouns after top surgery (which was ~8 months before T for me).  I didn't ask, so them not doing it didn't make me feel bad.  Not everyone has this option mentally or financially (to deal with getting T as quickly as possible).  When I started hormones I told everyone what I was doing.  I never said "use male pronouns" or anything.  Eventually people just started to.

I think a lot of times its hard for people to change what they expect, or what they are used to over the past 17-18 years (I'm assuming in your case).  For me it was ~21/22.  A lot of people don't have the time/capacity to think that much before they speak, or move to open your door, or let you order first.  Its just what they've always done.  Habits are hard to break.  It could be that your family truly is accepting, but just are having a hard time breaking habits.  (I really can't say, but you didn't describe anything that really stands out to me as distinctly non-acceptance).  Maybe its also your age.  I hate to say it, but many people are apt to see anything like this before graduating high school as potentially "just a phase."  Not saying its at all right, but its there.

My father still refers to my sister and I as "the girls." He is 100% completely accepting and supportive.  In fact, I think he has been more adamant about the necessity of some of the steps than my mom (who is the most supportive mother anyone could ask for ).  He always waits for us to order first (unless someone needs more time to think).  Its just his habits.  I don't take offense.  [also if there are four of you and your mom goes, and then your sister, and then you and then your dad... its still women first men second. I wouldn't be so intent on going last, maybe just try follow your dad's example and let your mom and sister go first.]  I think sometimes we as trans people get so caught up in our heads that we sometimes don't realize that our gender isn't at the center of other people's minds. 

As for the relatives... Is your grandmother aware of your situation?  If not you can't so much blame her.  I was getting flowery "granddaughter" cards from my grandpa for years until my mom told him I was transitioning.  I went to his 90th birthday party that year, and he was lovely and accepting.  Maybe your parents haven't taken the time to let her in on it.  You may have to do that deed yourself.  Maybe try to deal with your extended family differently.  If they go in for a hug respond with a "man hug" as you call it, or try making it there first for a handshake.  I don't know.. I don't really see my extended family much.... I guess I hug my aunt but my cousins (one male one female) I usually just wave hello or goodbye. 

Sometimes in being trans acceptance is slow coming, and oftentimes it comes first in the form of them not yelling at you, or trying to convince you otherwise, or not letting you leave the house looking at all boyish, or monitoring your internet usage ect...  These may seem like small things, but just as Nikko said... In time they may come around.  Its not like they're shoving the bible down your throat and telling you you'll go to hell, or that you're dead to them.