I am SUCH an idiot

[radsi]

Ive not been on this forum long and have been confused for a long time and came here looking for answers and someone/anyone who might understand or be going through anything similar to what I am...

There was pretty much one person who reached out to me.. we talked... we talked a lot.. she is mtf and might live thousands of miles away but is a beautiful, caring and amazing woman and we connected and i dunno but these feelings came from nowhere and i started to fall hard for her and it was mutual and now ive pretty much broken her heart and made her hate me.

Im confused ... so confused about who and what I am... I get jealous of people secure in what they are and lack the strength and courage to even outwardly try to discover what it is and who I am like even plucking up the courage to go the doctors. Overthinking things about what i would do in the future .. how i would be too chicken to have any surgeries... And now because of this and all my doubts and insecurities I have pretty much screwed up a friendship i guess kinda relationship with someone who was willing to accept me as whoever or whatever I am.

It was all me and she never did or said anything wrong and i dont even know what to do about it right now.. I guess she hates me.. she wont even talk to me.. and i still have no idea who or what i am or where I go from here and still dont have any courage to do anything about it ..

[alabamagirl]

I don't know what happened between you two, but give her some time and maybe she'll start talking to you again after she has some time to calm down and reflect.

*hugs you tight*

I'm so sorry to hear about it, though... I hope she sees this thread and decides to reach out to you again.

[radsi]

I don't know what happened between you two, but give her some time and maybe she'll start talking to you again after she has some time to calm down and reflect.

*hugs you tight*

I'm so sorry to hear about it, though... I hope she sees this thread and decides to reach out to you again.

Thanks for replying.. She didnt even do anything wrong at all it was all me and i dont even know why i did it i cant tell you... I freaked at the thought that someone would just accept me no matter what and talk to me about anything and i could open up like i dont have the courage or guts to do with people in person... I pushed it and she didnt go anywhere and then like an idiot i tell her to go and she does and ive hurt her in the process :/ oh and  totally just flooded my bathroom as i completely forgot i set a bath running ages lol...

[Cindy]

Hey Hon,

Just call her back and say sorry, basically what you have put here.

I'm sure she will understand.

[mrs izzy]

Hey Hon,

Just call her back and say sorry, basically what you have put here.

I'm sure she will understand.

Ditto of what Cindy said. Be honest and being she is also dealing with GID she should understand the fears you have.

FYI i am married to a FTM and yes having 2 with GID in a relationship hold many ups and downs.

Isabell

[JamesG]

The question not answered here is: why?

Did you "purge" (have a relapse of masculinity)?

Was it the distance, already in a relationship?

But I feel for ya.  I actually found my literal soulmate in Toronto years ago and because I was/am a total dumbass, I rejected her and wound up marrying someone who is my polar opposite.  I still don't know why, but I was at least aware enough to regret it.  Even worse, I had a second chance with her a few years later and once again I was a dummy/chicken and didn't take the opportunity I was presented (because I "couldn't").  She's now happily married with kids, probably more so than if she were stuck with defective me.

So the point of my example is that its not enough to feel regret/remorse,  if you feel the way you do you need to try, and if it was meant to be, don't stand in the way.

[aleon515]

I agree with apologizing. We are all idiots once in awhile. (Some of us more so than others). Good  luck buddy. I've dated MTFs too, I'd say they are usually pretty understanding of these things, since they will have had their parallel experiences.

---Jay

[radsi]

I am still an idiot lol oh and i have a flooded bathroom still lol... but shes talking to me again now   

~ I guess i should take my own advice sometimes that communication is the most important part of any relationship. You cant expect anyone to understand how and what you are feeling if you dont tell them.

I guess we all have things to work out and if you are in a relationship with someone an element of that is not shutting yourself off and doing it alone but opening yourself up to the other person even if that makes you feel more insecure and vulnerable.

I do appreciate all your advice and support guys and girls

xxxxx

[alabamagirl]

I'm so happy for you, Radsi! Don't ever let her go again! And make sure you tell her how much you love her lots and lots, okay?

(And go clean up your bathroom and take a bath, lol)

[BeefxCake]

i don't think you're relationship is my business so i won't adress it.

but eh confusion is so normal. I was depressed for so long before i remotely tried to take steps towards being happy. the trans identity just happened to fit in that path. i don't think any of us came to our conclusion with the goal in mind of a secure trans identity, we all just wanted to feel comfortable in our skin. and transitioning or not was our answer.

not to say just up and said we're trans. if you know solidly right off the bat i would be concerned for you. for me it took trying on different things and seeing if i liked hte feel for a while. i had super long hair before and decided, hey ill cut it, see if i like it. loved it kept my hair short. i was into cosplay i always cosplayed the men, i felt very comofrtable in those clothes. and because cosplay crossdressing is so normal no one batted an eye.  people called me manly and stuff at school and i was never offended by it, in fact i liked it. over the summer started getting mens clothes i could wear everyday. not going wardrobe shopping just a shirt here and there and i just kept adding things that made me more comfortable. it was never a black and white answer of im trans i gotta do this this this and this. those things just sort of fall into place.

[meganB]

It is that i'm new here, but you could have been the boy I love.

He did exactly the same as you, we got close and then suddenly he pushed me away.

I took some time away from him, but now we are talking again.

[JamesG]

Maybe he is? That would be too funny.

[meganB]

As I said "he could have been".

Radsi isn't him as he's much further in the whole transition and is going to have top + bottom surgery this summer (I'm not sure how it's called in english).
Also the Netherlands isnt big enough for us to be thousands of miles away from each other (its not even 100 miles xD).