Oooh a tantalizing thread! Just when I've been trying to put the same ideas and concepts into some form of order over the last few days. Oh god, yes this is a tricky one!
Now this really only applies to me. It's probably crazy and a little long winded. Though maybe there are some other girls with similar views and thoughts? It feels like my physical situation and condition is impacting my new life, but it's really hard to define how. I feel it... it still feels like there is a 'gap' between that proverbial badge of womanhood and where I am now. What I mean, I still feel different around other women, and I hate that feeling. Sure, there was a different childhood and adult life, but I'm still just a woman and there are far more similarities than differences.
I do much the same as other women in the wardrobe department, I dress for my figure ( or lack of ), and dress to blend ( rather than stand out ) while still displaying my own developing style. I have the same mannerisms and generally fit into the ( over ) generalization for the way women talk and act. I love most of the female gendered past-times like shopping. By all accounts, I'm just female. I fit into this world so well.
Yet all the while, this horrid little voice in the back of my head whispers "but you don't pass 100%". Sadly ( and I mean that ), I do care about passing. Within reason... Sure, there's some time allowed to reach that, and there some effort required, and it's not going to happen overnight. But it is oh so important. And somehow it feels like the key.
So I wondered recently, once I've finally finished changing my body, somewhere near a year down the line, will that nagging little voice go away? I mean, every woman I know is insecure in something about her body. It's perhaps not overly healthy, but certainly normal. The procedures I've already decided on ( FFS, SRS, BA if needed, and some sculpting ) are extreme. Yet it is result of some serious internal issues with my body. Will it end there? Will I be satisfied? Will all of this just result with me on a lifelong plastic surgery quest for 'enough'? Well, I can't say for sure, but I feel confident in saying that I won't get hung up on the things I can't change, or get hung up on chasing perfection. It's not attainable. I'm only looking to change what I can.
And now, after getting all of that out, I realize that the only difference between me and another woman ( aside of my past, and DNA ), is that I know I'm a trans women. And now realising that, all I want to do is to go from feeling like a female, but still a transwoman, to just feeling "cis". Maybe that's the same as "femininity" the OP describes? Perhaps that is the one thing which I will never find. Is it possible to feel that way? Or will the scars of living the wrong life in the wrong body remain forever? I doubt any of us will ever forget the past.
There, that's enough incoherent banter from me.
