So, I've noticed my transition so far has been a little bit like the different stages of grief, except in a bit of a bipolar order..which suits my life pretty well. Ya know, different points of anger, depression, etc. Buut, I feel like talking about acceptance, soo here goes.
This post is more me bs'ing than anything, so feel free to leave now. Also, some portions may be *triggering*.
Anyways. I think a lot of people misunderstand acceptance. A lot of people think it's something you fight for, gain, and then everythings sunshiiine and lollipops after, and everything in life feels geewd. That's delusion/insanity. Or it could be a heroin high. Either way..
To me acceptance and happiness are some of the illusive substances on the planet. It's not something we acquire and that's it. It's something constantly on the horizon, that has to be fought for everyday, and can easily slip away unless constantly nurtured and maintained.
Also, it's not get everything you want. Not by a looong shot. It's getting the most you can and being happy with it.
Truth be told, I hate being transgender. It's not something that I think about a toon anymore, but I hate it and I always will. People can tell themselves what they want, but it sucks a big one to be trans in this world.
I don't hate my body, really. Some days I think I might even be pwetty! But I still feel like a freak. I struggle to find connections beyond sex. It's a b*tch really, even if in many ways I'm one of the lucky few, who could probably go totally stealth even from my partner one day (but wouldn't because honesty is loves foundation). I feel like im not a real girl, and just a boy, or even worse, an it, not even really human anymore. But I can still name endless reasons why I can't stand being transgender, legit.
I hate being transgender, yes. But the alternative is being a gay boy, which I tried and failed at. Why? Because I don't feel like one, and it would be a lie to live that way. It's not a matter of hating being a boy like I hate being trans..honestly I have nothing against it. It's a matter of living a life that lies to the most important person in my reality..myself. I can't live a lie, so it's a life I was literally incapable of living. I can live as trans. And if I can live with it, I can find a way to accept it.
Even if I was born cisfemale I'd still find things to hate about myself. I'd still have a cowlick on the right side of my head and if I let myself I could probably let that stray hair consume me. But it's about choices. It's about the power yougive that hatred. And really, at the end of the day, it's all the same..yes I'm reminded of being trans constantly, but I also see that cowlick everytime I look in the mirror (which is a loot) and yes I hate it, but I look right through it. Because I've trained my mind to minimize the intensity of my hatred for it to the point where it's not even background noise.
So thats what acceptance is. It's finding the things you can live with, doing the things you have to, and constantly fighting to keep your self hatred in check. It means saying, yeah, maybe im really a boy, or a freak and maybe such and such people will hate me...can i live with that? And for whatever time you manage to do that,you may be gifted with happiness. But it never ends. You'll slip up. Misery will follow happiness and vice versa. C'est la vie, deal. We're put onthis earth to experience every emotion, not just the ones that feel good.
So I guess today my acceptance means saying that if I'm not a girl, being exactly like one is enough. For whatever I am, I am myself, which means I'm a pretty, intelligent, etc human being. It also means saying just because 99% of guys are losers doesn't mean I'm not going to find one that shows me what love really is (there's hope in potential). And at the end of the day I'm following the most acceptable path toward happiness, so the odds are I'll stumble across it, eventually, and if not, well, ->-bleeped-<-, at least I tried.
Anywho, I'm in a mood. Hope you all have a good one
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