Suddenly I'm Confused

[Jason C]

Recently I've been coming across lots of trans people online and it occurred to me how they all have their own ideas on what makes someone trans or not. And it's gotten to a point where I'm actually genuinely confused about if I'm even trans now. I guess I'm just hoping someone can give me a sense of clarity.

Do I have dysphoria? Yeah, but not too badly. Have I always? No. My breasts were always tiny, so I was happy about that. When I put on weight and they got bigger, I hated them. At times they feel physically foreign; like I've attached something to me and forgotten to take it off or something. I'll probably never get top surgery because I'm too scared of the idea of surgery of any kind. But if I was ever brave enough, I would. I'd love to have a male chest. But do these feelings negatively affect my day? No, not really. I can cope with it.

At no point in my life did I ever think I was a boy. I actually still don't. I don't feel like I am, but I feel like I should be. Not in an, "I want to wear men's clothes," way, but entirely, from the inside and out. I feel like having a female identity and body in my life...yeah, those pieces fit together, but only because I forced them to fit. They're not meant to fit, it's not meant to be that way, but I've made it somewhat OK. Whereas having a male identity and a male body in my life, that fits perfectly, that's how it's meant to be.

I've always hated myself, for as long as I can remember, and never known why. I know why now. Even something as simple as wearing a binder, seeing myself with a flat chest, made me feel good about myself.  Drawing on some crappy fake facial hair made me feel better about myself than I'd ever felt before. Not because I simply want facial hair, but because it's a largely masculine trait, and I looked in the mirror and saw myself as how I should've been, or how I could be. Even my anxiety is a bit better since figuring this stuff out, because it's stopped me from hating myself, it's making me actually feel like myself and that gives me a bit of confidence.

So I don't know what I am anymore. I just don't want to take a step back, back into the darkness and back to hating myself and not feeling like I'm even myself. And that really sucks, because I feel like I'm screwed, basically. I'm not genderfluid or bigender or agender or anything like that. I'm either trans as in transsexual, or I'm cisgender. And, I felt like I must be trans because the idea of living as a man makes me feel more comfortable and happier with who I am. But...I don't have bad dysphoria. I never thought I was a boy. So I don't know.

[Jessika Lin]

Whereas having a male identity and a male body in my life, that fits perfectly, that's how it's meant to be.

That's all I need to see. You're male and you were born into the wrong sex body.

Don't let other people define you. If you feel that you're trans then as far as I'm concerned, you are. Ignore all the loud-mouths who like to proclaim that you're only trans if you fit their personal definition. They are usually either small-minded twits trying to make themselves feel better by making others feel bad, or mental midgets who think that all trans-folk must feel exactly as they do, want exactly what they do, etc.

[Johnny Tristan]

Don't stress about your identity too much, Jason. All you can really do is meditate on it and figure out for yourself what you truly want. Keep asking yourself questions. Step outside your comfort zone to discover what pros and cons that identity has in your life. You're young and you have a lot of time to decide whether you want to transition or not and if you're transgender or cisgender or even genderqueer.

Personally, I've known all my life that I was a man in the wrong body. That was apparent from my earliest memories. The dysphoria is and was hell. It never got better with time, it only got worse. Every part of me and every movement I took, was uncomfortable to me. I was always holding a pillow or backpack to my chest to press it down after puberty and before having a binder. I hate the lack of weight between my legs and what is there scares me, especially what happens during arousal and the visitor terrifies me. It's a physical, emotional, spiritual, and sexual pain.

HOWEVER, with that being said, not everyone has it that bad. There's different levels of dysphoria and insecurity. It doesn't make you any less a man if you're accepting or comfortable with your genitals. It doesn't make you any less of man if you don't want top surgery. It doesn't make you any less a man if you don't start testosterone right away or in some cases, don't start at all. However, if you feel that you're a woman or androgynous but is more masculine and wants to present as such... that's alright too.

Just ask yourself this. How do you see yourself in ten years? You don't have to personally share it, if you're uncomfortable, but you need to really think about it. What kind of person, if at all, would you like to be with? What kind of career do you want to have in the future? What are your dreams? What is on your bucket list? What do you want to try in your life? How are you sexually, if at all? What do you look like? What is your voice like? What are your clothes like? Are you close or distant with your family? Where do you see yourself living?

We can't see in the future and know what life will be set in stone, but set up a fantasy for yourself for a moment. What do you want? You don't have to answer it all at once. You have time to think about it. Breathe and listen to your favourite music and visualize your future. Think positive too. Don't dwell too much on the consequences or what could go wrong. That can come later. Good luck, Jason.