Telling a partner about gender questioning

[TeaCoffee]

Hi there,

Sorry if this has already been covered elsewhere. I had written a whole bunch of background but it was lost, so in point form:
- I am 25
- Began questioning my gender when I was 12
- Went into a state of denial from ~21 to just a few months ago, at which point the feelings came back with a vengeance and I don't think I can ignore them any longer
- I feel a very strong desire to present as a woman, but I have never done this because of fear. I want to face that fear and explore my identity now, because I can't leave it unexplored anymore. I have also begun seeing a gender therapist; first (real) appointment is in a couple of weeks.

The only problem is that I am in a serious (~1.5 year) relationship, and I don't think it would be possible for me to explore my gender without her being aware, nor would I want to keep it a secret from her even if I could. But I'm afraid, and don't know how to talk about it. Trans issues have come up in other contexts, so I think she would be accepting, but accepting does not equal still loving romantically.

I almost think it would be easier if I already had my feelings sorted out, and I knew I didn't have a choice but to talk about it and would have all of the answers to any of her questions. But, I don't have any answers, and for all I know maybe this is all in my head and I'd be throwing a wrench into our relationship for no reason.

Does anybody have any advice? I suppose this would be a question for my therapist, but there are a few weeks until the next time I see her and I'm thinking about it now.

[jaybutterfly]

just some thoughts here


1. If shes got a problem, the relationship can be worked out if its right for you both and save you hassle further down the line if she blows up in your face

2. You'll feel guilty for not telling her and it will just make it harder later, but if you surpress it, it will just come out in another way later (as you have already found)

3. Say you tell her and shes cool with it: If you do decide to do something about it, she already knows and can steel herself for it. She wont be all 'whyd you not tell me sooner!' that would be much worse, dont you think?

Heck if someone has an problem with you exploring yourself, your self growth and learning about who you are, they must have some pretty stupid expectations and thus arent worthy of you if they try to restrict you. I learnt this over the years in other ways.

Feel free to criticize or challenge my way of thinking though, I know fear can be a kick in the nuts.

If she really loves you and its right for you both, then telling her will allow that to become apparent. If she leaves, it may suck, but hey, exploring yourself is your journey, not hers. You want to sit back and not know and keep feeling bad like this, or do you want to know yourself properly? Is another person worth not knowing who you are and going through all that if they react negatively to it? If she reacts positively then wonderful but in truth, if it was always a part of you and she has a problem, it was inevitable and you havent lost anything truly.

I wish you the best luck, friend

[DiDi]

Be honest and up front. Hiding will only make you miserable and make it harder for you to share eventually and harder on her to hear it. It may be considered "deception" that something this important was not shared. Trust me - been there, done that, currently wearing the hair shirt.

[Jessica Merriman]

Like everyone has said so far, be honest. Dysphoria does not go away, it only gets stronger through the years. Don't put yourself in a position by denying it and someday possibly resenting your SO at some point. It has been known to happen. If you are honest and open about it you might be surprised at your SOs response so don't pre judge the response. You can drive yourself bats with all the "what ifs" and it could hamper any progress on facing this issue and your acceptance of it.

[Rachel]

Let her know now before marriage and children. You will be doing them and yourself a disservice suppressing it and marrying and having a child to later find the relationship explode. GD gets worse in time and it does not go away.

[TeaCoffee]

Sorry to bump...

I told her! It went really well and she was more accepting than I imagined even could have been possible. She's even letting me borrow clothes and makeup I guess she didn't find it particularly surprising? Who knew it was so obvious on the outside :p I am a very very lucky person.

A load has definitely been lifted. An interesting side-effect is that a lot of my uncertain feelings seem to be a lot more clear now that I'm not afraid anymore.

[Jessica Merriman]

I am very happy for you sweetie! Sounds like you have found a keeper!

[E-Brennan]

Very cool, TeaCoffee!  I'm so happy for you.  What you did was courageous, sensible, and it's always wonderful to hear when things work out so well.   

[Mickie]

Awesome TeaCoffee!!!!
I feel like I went through the same exact thing a couple months ago. Even if you're not out to everyone, it's still nice to have someone you trust and love to confide in. I'm excited for you!

[asheriko35]

Hi
Pls listen carefully
If indeed you are transsexual and suffer from being male. you better off change while you are "only" 1.5 years in relationship than later.

read my previous postings here as well as others in the same situation and you will figure out why.

I am 36 years old married with children, suffer every day being a male and currently hold off any transition as it will devastate my marriage

[Rachel]

Does she know what will happen if you transition?

Do you know what you want to do?

Do you think she will drift away or apart if you transition?

[TeaCoffee]

Does she know what will happen if you transition?

In how much detail do you mean? She knows if I transition I would be physically a woman. I didn't know this, because it simply had not come up in conversation before, but a friend of hers (whom I've never met) is trans* and has transitioned. She actually offered to introduce us, but I'm not sure I'm ready yet to be open about this with anyone other than her and my therapist (and people on the internet).

Do you know what you want to do?

Every step of the way? No. I don't know if I want hormones, or surgery. I think I do - Imagining myself doing them makes me feel happier - but I have doubts and I want to be sure. Hormones would do bad things to fertility, so even if I decide to do those I'd want to bank sperm first. I took a look and it looks like it is within budget. What I do know is that I really want to present as a woman; wear clothing, remove facial and body hair, etc. Maybe that will be good enough for me? Or maybe it won't be! I feel like maybe it won't be, because I actively dislike some parts of my anatomy, but I don't know; maybe I don't dislike them enough. I think the only way to find out if I need to do more will be by doing the little bit I know for sure and going from there. I've experimented in small ways, and all of them felt right, but until now I just wasn't brave enough (or was in too much denial) to explore further.

Do you think she will drift away or apart if you transition?

I guess this is impossible to know for sure. She identifies as pansexual, so I'm optimistic.

[JesseG]

I told her! It went really well and she was more accepting than I imagined even could have been possible. She's even letting me borrow clothes and makeup I guess she didn't find it particularly surprising? Who knew it was so obvious on the outside :p I am a very very lucky person.

A load has definitely been lifted. An interesting side-effect is that a lot of my uncertain feelings seem to be a lot more clear now that I'm not afraid anymore.

Hi Tea,
I had a similar experience, so I'd like to caution you: people tend to be more agreeable when they're in shock. Please don't rush things. I know being out is exhilarating, but it can push you further and faster than you otherwise might go. She might have feelings she didn't disclose or examine very closely yet.

My wife was also initially very accepting, and it manifested as excitement about clothes / makeup. That was an emotional screen, however. Once the serious thoughts started weighing on her ("Will my partner be all woman one day?", "I'm not a lesbian, so what does that mean for our intimate life?", "What will our family think?"), she did have some hard times. I wish I was a bit more patient at the start, rather than going "whee, I'm out of the closet, I'm going 0 to 80 in six seconds!"

If this person is seriously considering a life with you, they must be thinking about some of these things. I'd recommend openly discussing your future with her, and be extra sensitive to her feelings. Watch out for things left unsaid.

Congrats on doing this, takes major guts! Wish you the best!
- Jesse

[ikesgirl80]

Tea,

I'm so glad you told her and I'm sure she is too!  I know when my fiancee came out to me as wanting to transition MtF, she was VERY scared, but seeing the anxiety and a lot of the depression lift once we were open was one of the best days of my life! 

I know the number one reason why Hayleigh and I are doing so well is that we talk, and talk.  And talk some more.  Everything is out and in the open.  We are learning to use "I messages" and truly listening to each other.  Even with the additional stressers associated with being in this type of relationship, the de-stress of being honest has more than made up for it. 

Good luck!

Chris

[Emmaline]

Well done for telling her. 

It is a rollercoaster ride and its stressful, but having honesty between you is vital.  Be sure to not rely solely on her for helping you transition (if that's where your heading)- get some cis girlfriends to share some of the burdens (like a workout buddy or shopping friend)  and get a trans friend to unload on so your not ALL about transition with your partner... it can be the dominant subject if your not careful. 

I always figured that a) its not anyone's fault. B) she is free to leave if it gets uncomfortable for her sexually or socially- but we will remain friends and a major part of each others lives.  C) transitioned me is awesomerererer and so if she loves me now, and she can handle the switcharoo- then in the long run its better for both of us.

Honest communication and some fingers crossed.  Best of luck!