Married transgender and miserable -will be happy to get your opinion

[asheriko35]

Hey everyone
I am new here.
I am 36 years old married with kids. was born as a male for for many years I feel I am a female.
It got worsen the last year and half and in recent weeks, I started taking hormones.
I took them for less than a week actually)
my wife which is my best friend is totally against that, she is consonantly crying and says that our relationship will end should I continue.
I stopped the hormones but I am miserable, i cant live without her and I cant live as a male any more.
i pray everyday that the universe will take me away.
what can i do?
thank you

[JamesG]

Are you seeing a therapist or are you DIY?  If you are, or.... more importantly if not, ask them or find someone who can recommend a marriage counceller that at least a clue about transgender issues. They wont take your side, but they will give you a venue to explain it better and maybe reach some kind of agreement.

[mrs izzy]

When in a marriage and there is no acceptance from your spouse and with therapy you can not work out a way to make it all work in the end.

If you have tried all of this i would say you have 2 choices.

1 make your wife happy and stay un happy
2 make yourself happy and your wife un happy.

With out acceptance there is not other way to make a marriage work.

Acceptance is the key.

Sorry it is not easy. It will kill a marriage fast with out being accepted.

Isabell

[JamesG]

well there is #3 make both of you unhappy.  which is the default condition of marriage. 

[Jean24]

Maybe you should both see a psychologist and a marriage counselor at the same time.

[Rachel]

A good gender therapist for yourself is step one. I agree and marriage counselor and therapy for your wife too.

Then if you need hrt then through medical monitoring is the safe way.

Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. Keep in mind this is a shock to her and it may take time for her to calm down.

[asheriko35]

Thank you Cintyia!
I am now reading your previous post.
I have a counselor and we are going thru marriage counselling.
let me ask you a question? do you have any regrets you didnt start any process earlier?
each day as a male is a miserable for me but as you wrote, living without the spouse and kids nor worth living
I hope there's hope

[Jenniferinutah]

A good marriage is based on compromise. Marriage counseling is a wonderful way to achieve the art of compromise. And remember that the children are also part of this journey as well. 

[jeminajay]

Hi asheriko35,
I am new here either.
We have the exact same problem. Thanks to the universe we are not all alone. 
I agreed that acceptance is the key.

I know that you live your life with suffering -- day after day -- because I do too.  I wish I should do the transition earlier. You are now 10 year younger than me. I just started it 3 months ago. Every things is up to you sooner or later, now or never.

Sometimes, I just want to disappear like being death from my wife coz I am sure that my wife will never accept me, and she would be shameful to her 'valued family and community', if I get off the shell.

You may follow the process.

Hugs,
Jemina

 

[asheriko35]

Dear Jemina

I was also sad to hear about your difficulties.
What does it mean "started the process"? you have started with the hormones? so what's the plan?
a college advised me to start hormones secretly so i can check with my self once i don't have a sexual urge, if Im happier
what do you think?

[jeminajay]

Hi Ashiriko,
By starting and following the process, I mean you will need to be patient because transitioning will need time and process (both in term of explanation to 'significant others' (SO), and in term of your transitioning itself.) There is no short cut in transitioning. This process might need months or years depending on different individual situations. If you need something long enough, then you can be sure that you really need it.
So if you spend sometimes (perhaps you have spent your whole life already) to consider until being 100% sure in your mind that you want the the transition, you don't need to delay your 1st day and the rest of your life.

In explaining to your SO (if you don't want to lose them), you may need to do it step by step. Be honest to them, and respect your true self. When explaining, you can not tell them everything in the first time, you may have to tell them the big picture about who you really are, why you have not told her (or them) before. They will be shocked enough, then give them sometimes to think about it, and tell them little more by little more.

In my case, it is complicated. I live with my wife hometown with her huge extended family (in Thailand) even though I am from small, urban, and independent family. I came out to her (just that I want to become a woman, but I still love her. That's it) but decided to take hormones secretly  . Having her loving husband as a transgender woman could be okay for her but not her family. So I am in a big decision and action of my life.

In the next 2-3 months, my feminine side will obviously show off (breasts, face shape, and hips), I plan to leave her, and start my life all over again. I know that it is hurting her a lot. I may come back to see her and my daughter when I look more female, and see if they can accept me or not. If they can't, it would be easier for me to permanently leave them.

(to be continued)

[jeminajay]

I did take hormones over 3 months ago. I feel much better. I used to be an angry and unhappy man. Hormones help me to live with more hopes.
And you will be very excited to see the result time by time. Now it is only that I don't have much chance do female things because I am always attached with my wife and the rest of her huge family. (Without the idea of transitioning, you may want to leave her anyway no matter how much you love your wife and your daughter).

In your case, it's up to you. Trying is better than nothing. You may try to tell her about your HRT, and see what will be the reaction. In my case I decide not to tell her (at this moment) because I can predict the reaction (I tease her jokingly before). In my case, it is closed society and its not only between my wife and myself.

Be strong. I believe when we look back in the future we will smile and think "Oh I have passed that and I love myself and am now happy with myself. That is the most important thing in life."

Good Luck.

Jemina

[asheriko35]

Thank you so much
you are very brave

[Alaia]

I know how you feel as I'm in the same boat. I'm 38, my wife and I have been married 15 years and have 4 kids. We have decided that we will be divorcing.

Finding out that you have incompatible needs is an incredibly difficult situation, especially when you both still love each other. I need to be myself to be happy and that means living as a woman. For my wife, she needs to be with a man. She has made it clear that she has no desire to be married to a woman. It would be wrong and selfish for either of us to ask the other to give up their happiness and live as someone they are not for the other's sake.

I love my wife, and I am very thankful for the years we have spent together. We have many good memories, happy memories, and she even kept me smiling at times when I was nearly swallowed in despair. But despite those happy moments with her I have never been happy with myself. The anguish and dysphoria that has been my constant shadow all these years has taken it's toll. It's effectively sucked the life right out of me to the point where every day I was wishing something horrible would happen to end my miserable existence. The thing is, just as part of me wanted to die, I had a much louder part of me that was screaming "No, I want to live!". But to truly live as my authentic self. I shuddered at the thought of going another 10 years and looking back wondering why I didn't transition back when I knew that it was necessary for my personal happiness. And so I'm making steps now to follow that path. Unfortunately that means I could lose many people in my life that are unwilling to accept the authentic me, my wife included. That is something you will have to be willing to accept if you go down the road to transition.

I think however, if you approach everything with patience and love, that it is possible to have a somewhat positive outcome. And it may not come right away, it could take years. As for my wife and I, I think we will still be friends through this. She has even stated that she doesn't want to hate me and wants to remain friends, which was a huge relief for me. I want her to be happy, and I also want our friendship to endure without bitterness or resentment. Especially for the kids sake. If we can both show love and compassion through the divorce then it will help them out immensely.

And while the road ahead is unknown, I like to envision a future where we are both happy. One where she can find a good man that will love her fully and in ways that I never could because I didn't love myself. I also hope to find someone myself in time, after the pain of loss has subsided, who will love and accept me as the girl I truly am. And then maybe, after we have both found our happiness, we will sit down together as friends and tell each other how grateful we are that we loved each other enough to let go. That's my hope at least, and it may just be a fantasy, but I'd really like that.

[JoanneB]

I don't know how much your wife knew about the dysphoria before the marriage. My current wife was told. I learned that lesson with wife #1. But even that is no guarantee of the outcome when your dysphoria gets bad. My wife was what I would call mostly supportive. Not too much so about where I am now in the process when things got bad for me a few years ago.

I learned throughout the years of dealing with this that being TG does not mean you must choose between trying to be a "Normal" guy or trying to live life as a "Normal" woman. There is a vast middle ground between those two extremes. Sure, in a perfect world I think I am in a place now that I know I can be happy living as a woman. But it is not a perfect world so I compromise. Arguably one can say it took me well over 30 years just to get to this point of acceptance of who I am and the confidence in knowing transition can be good for me. A far cry different from my earlier feelings when in my 20's I twice experimented with transition

Binary thinking does not work for gender just as it does not work for most decisions. Perhaps it is an occupational hazard for me but there are no absolute decisions, just tradeoffs. Without good data you cannot make an informed decision. A gender therapist is a good place to start. For me a totally amazing TG support group I eventually found totally turned my life around for the better. Local for me was 90 mile away. By the third meeting I knew I needed to be there

[Jenna Marie]

I agree with both therapy and patience as advice. I was willing to wait until my wife agreed to each step I needed to take, and as a result, we're still happily married several years post-transition. It *can* be done, but probably requires compromise, as others have also said. If you're lucky, that compromise during the process will mean that you both *eventually* get to be happy with the outcome.

Good luck.

[Rachel]

Thank you Cintyia!
I am now reading your previous post.
I have a counselor and we are going thru marriage counselling.
let me ask you a question? do you have any regrets you didnt start any process earlier?
each day as a male is a miserable for me but as you wrote, living without the spouse and kids nor worth living
I hope there's hope

I wish I had done what I had planned several times when I was 6 to 7. I wish I did what I planned when I was 11 and then at 22. I and my 1st therapist went into great detail my regret. It took me a long time to accept what she said. I did it when I could and I will be true to myself.

Keep in mind we all have our own self image. Find what is your own self image. I know what I look like in my head and I will achieve much of what I want to achieve. It has taken me 46 years to say I am female and I see myself as female and I want to align my self image to my external image and be at ease and do what feels right to the best of my ability.

I am female in my head. Due to starting late I will never pass but I think I will look good and I will be happy.

If my Wife or eventually my daughter (not out to her) reject me then that is on them, their issue. I am the same person on the inside and I am doing what I need to do to be true to myself. If they reject me it will be them that are leaving me and their inability to accept me. I will not regret my decision. I have not as of yet. It had been rough and I am doing what I can to hold on to them but in the end I can not make up their minds to welcome me, only they can do that.

I am changing on the outside and on the inside too. I am welcoming who I am, my truth.

Do I regret not doing it sooner, yes.

[Stella Stanhope]

well there is #3 make both of you unhappy.  which is the default condition of marriage. 

Yep, I agree. Sadly, I don't think that the concept of marriage works in these complicated times where things aren't black and white anymore.

[FTMDiaries]

Sorry you're going through this. I'm going through something similar myself, but in my case it's with a homophobic husband who has insisted that our marriage must end if I am to transition. We also have two children, which complicates matters... especially since he and his family are convinced that by being trans I'm somehow a 'danger' to them. Sigh.

It's good that you're going through marriage counselling. You need to sort out your feelings to decide on the path ahead, and your wife needs to work through her stuff too. Depending on their ages, your kids might benefit from therapy when the time comes, but that is up to you to decide as parents. Have you had any gender therapy at all? It's very useful in helping you to decide whether to go full-time as a woman, and they will help you weigh up the pros and cons with regards to your family.

If you need to be a woman, then that's just the way it has to be. If you wife decides that she can't accept that, then there's nothing you can do to convince her otherwise. The sad fact is: you can't force anyone else to accept you. But there might be room for negotiation: perhaps certain aspects of your relationship might have to change, but can you still maintain a friendship? Even if you choose to end your sexual relationship, can you still live together in the same house, as the best friends and co-parents you currently are? Or can you share custody of your kids from two separate but nearby households, and still see each other regularly?

You didn't say whether you were prescribed the hormones or just decided to take them, but I would urge you to make sure you only take them under medical supervision. Hormones can cause changes in body chemistry that need to be monitored by a medical professional if you're to take them safely. Please stay safe.

I too have my regrets about not transitioning sooner, but the fact is that if I had transitioned when I originally wanted to, I would never have had my children. And I don't regret having them for a second. Perhaps you might want to think about that from a similar angle? Those wonderful children need you, and no matter what happens, you'll always be their parent. If you need to transition to be happier in your own skin, that will most likely make you a calmer, happier, more relaxed, better parent for them. There's your hope.