One of the oldest coping mechanisms is denial. To say "Psh, well, I don't *really* care about it anyway..." is a pretty classic human behavior.
Consider that strongly in your self-analysis. There is a large difference between "wanting to be in the middle" and "wanting to be a girl but I'm a boy right now."
The androgyne forum is a classic breeding ground of True Transsexuals(tm) (think Vampires, but with MORE sparkle.) Nero started here. I started here. Quite a few other people who slip my addled brain at the moment, started here at this point. Finding self-acceptance, in whatever capacity that actually is, is the most important thing people can do in life. And sometimes that means that we realize that we're lying to ourselves about what we really want because we're afraid to ask for it.
For a long time, I did not ask my friends to refer to me by female pronouns. How silly. I'm was not a girl, and I don't even have a girl name to give them. And then at one small house party, nearly a dozen friends of mine started asking me questions. I had already been wearing womens' clothing for two years at that point, had full body laser, and was suppressing T enough to grow breasts, and most of them knew I identified as TG. When asked point blank if I wanted to be referred to as a female, after quite a lot of liquor, I said yes. And before I knew it, everyone was using she and her, and that night was the first time in my life that I felt like a human being.
Often, it's easier to suffer in silence, than to ask for something and be rejected.
