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Pain of divorce or pain of being stuck in wrong body

Started by asheriko35, March 20, 2014, 12:06:12 PM

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asheriko35

sorry to bother again
i know this is a stupid question, but every day i advance my feminine a little more.
i am terrified to do a mistake

or
to continue with transition (mtf), lose my wife and find out it's too painful and was not worth it

or
keep being "male" and wake up in late age bitter and miserable

thank you again
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EllieM


There are no stupid questions. Not here, my dear. This is the place to ask, and if you have a question, then it is a valid question. Someone here will try to help you. By the way, I am quite familiar with these questions.
Ok, so now I have some questions for you.
Are you seeing a therapist?
Are you on HRT?
Are you sure you will lose your wife?

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mrs izzy

Yes to all.

That is why to take things slooooow and in the steps that bring you happiness.

There is no real end, your end is when you have that inside happiness only.

Stop when happy. Go forward if more is needed.

Isabell
Mrs. Izzy
Trans lifeline US 877-565-8860 CAD 877-330-6366 http://www.translifeline.org/
"Those who matter will never judge, this is my given path to walk in life and you have no right to judge"

I used to be grounded but now I can fly.
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suzifrommd

I lost my wife in my transition. The separation was vicious and unbelievable expensive. What we spent on lawyers would probably fund two SRS's.

I still think I did the right thing.
Have you read my short story The Eve of Triumph?
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LittleEmily24

Here's how I look at it:

If you are unhappy in the wrong body, you can't be truly happy with who you are, and psychologically speaking, if you arent happy with who you are... then your wife can't be happy with who you are either.... if you exhibit constant symptoms of dysphoria, it effects your marriage because believe me it had a huge toll on mine.

At some point i was willing to lose my wife to be happy under my own skin, because i evaluated that i cant have a healthy relationship to begin with if I'm miserable... she would've left me eventually.... I would much rather have her leave me because im taking the steps to live happy with myself instead of leaving me because I chose not to go through with it and was always miserable.

I was lucky enough not to lose my wife... but had I lost her... I wouldv'e been in EXTREME pain... but I would never have regretted my choice. Id rather feel the pain of loss and loneliness instead of the pain of depression and suicidal thoughts and self-loathing.
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Veronica M

I myself am dealing with the same feelings and situation somewhat, and in the future I most likely will lose my best friend and partner for 19 years now. However, there are a few factors that I am considering in the process. One is I have never have been happy as a man and I have to be honest with myself and accept that.  And two is I am not sexually happy with women. I have always preferred men but I was to scared to actually come out of the closet till recently. But That is me, and the sexual thing is seriously on the back burner as I have to concentrate more on my gender at this point. I think one as to ask themselves who is more important? You or the other person you are with. My choice is me... How can I expect to make someone else happy if I am not happy? This path is not all fun and you may hurt some peoples feeling along the way. But to me self acceptance is much more important than someone else not accepting the real me. No one said it is easy, but that is life in general.
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asheriko35

Hi Ellie and thank you
Yes I see therapist on a weekly basis
I started HRT just now
yes, she told me explicitly that she wont be able to to stand it and we will not be able to live together
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Jill F

This is incredibly tough.  When I came out to my wife, she got very upset for days.  I knew there was a chance I'd lose her.  I didn't realize at the time that the odds were something like 9 to 1 against a marriage surviving this, but the way I saw it was I had 2 choices.

Married and miserable, dead inside and looking forward to my own funeral OR Probably divorced and finally getting a chance to enjoy life.

This is incredibly hard for your wife.  You just pulled the rug out from under her and she has every right to be upset.  After my wife wrapped her head around the fact I'm trans, she decided that in the end she fell in love with a person, not a gender.  If the situations were reversed, I would have had a hard time at first, but in the end I'd rather stay married as well. 

Please give your wife time, space and respect.  Perhaps she will come around.   
  •  

E-Brennan

While I admire the strength shown by so many of us in hiding who we are from our spouses to preserve marriages and to keep the spouses happy, is that any way to live your own life?

That has been one of the main issues I've been dealing with in therapy - whose feelings take priority, and what is reasonable/safe to suppress in order to save a marriage (and a marriage that will be full of resentment and unhappiness by hiding these feelings.)

It's awkward, getting to the point where you accept that when it comes to your own body, you're the boss and not the spouse.  It takes some time to accept the idea that when it comes to your gender, if it's a choice between saving a marriage or saving your life (or even having a life), you come first.  The failed marriage will pass - painful, but it'll pass.  Your gender struggle will not pass until it's taken care of.

If the marriage is going to end, then end it sooner rather than later.  Honesty with the spouse is always the best policy - a lesson I learned waaaaay too late when it came to my gender and wasted many many years in the process.
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HughE

I don't know whether it's applicable to your particular case, but have a look through this thread:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,84224.0.html

It seems to have helped save at least one person's marriage to know that there's a physical basis to transsexuality.
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EllieM


Asheriko, I am with Jill on the issue of your wife. My wife reacted very stongly to my coming out, that was more than a year ago and we are still together. This is very difficult for her. I brought her to see may therapist a couple of times, she let it all out. She has her own therapist now, things are not wonderful, but we still go out together... dinner, plays, cinema, concerts, lectures; that sort of thing.
It takes time and patience, and you need to understand the anguish she is going through. I watched my wife go through the the same stages of grief that you would experience if somebody died.
You can't help being what you are. You have to balance the equasion, the gap between your body and your brain has to be addressed somehow. I agonized for years before I even acknowledged that, then years more before I finally accepted it. Even though I am saddened by the fact that my marriage is just a pale shadow of what it once was, I feel much better, having dealt with my dysphoria.

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