The Pain of Disclosing

[mandonlym]

My date tonight had to cancel because of illness, and the unanticipated free time has given me the opportunity to work through some of my feelings about J, the guy I'm totally in love with who's not sure whether he can deal with me being trans when he found out. We're taking a two-week break to think and seeing each other next weekend. I don't know what's going to happen.

I spent the evening aimlessly walking around the West Village, realizing how much me dating other people is a way to avoid my feelings about him, and also thinking about what I would say to him if he decides to break up with me. He's already said that even if that were to happen, he wants to stay close friends.

I plan to tell him that I can't be friends with him, probably not for a long while. The same thing happened when R, my partner when I transitioned and the only love that comes close to how I feel for J, decided that he couldn't be with me after my gender change. R told me that to him, it's as though the man he loved had died and that the woman in front of him had many of the qualities of that man, but was not the same person he was in love with. It took R and me twelve years to get back in touch.

I want to tell J that when he cried in my arms after he found out I'm trans, it was because he was mourning the woman he thought I was. And if he can't be with me, then it means that to him, that woman is dead and has been replaced by someone who isn't that woman. But to me that woman he fell for is alive and in front of him, and the man that woman fell in love with is very much in front of her. So if J and I were to remain friends, I'll spend years and years being a woman in love with a man who thinks she's dead, pining for that man and comparing anyone else she meets to him. I would prefer to pretend that he's not alive, just as he doesn't think the woman he fell in love with is alive.

I also plan to tell him that he should contact me if he ever finds himself changing his mind, if he is able to see that the woman he loved actually still exists in the world. I plan to tell him that it doesn't matter how old we are or where we are. Because I know if that happens, even if it's years and years from now, I'll eventually find myself by his side.

[radsi]

I think u should tell him that.. Exactly that every word of it.. Its written from the heart and perfect..

He wud be a fool to let what u have and cud have together in the future go

I will keep everything crossed for u xxx

[stephaniec]

I hope the best for you . I haven't been very lucky in life as far as finding love. I've still have a flicker of hope even though time is going at the speed of light. I do have some one where there might be a chance so there is hope.  I truly wish the best for you and j. Your brave in your belief to be honest and I for myself believe that's  the  best chosen path.

[Joanna Dark]

I'm going through an eerily similar situation with this guy I'm in love with. He's just not sure if he can be with me A. cause I'm pre-op and B. because even a year or so from now when I'm post-op he doesn't know if he can deal with it. Last week he told me that he thought about it and he doesn't beleive what I want to is wrong and he totally understands it but left it that. Then we wrestled around for a little bit and he told me we make a weird couple. He likes weird so that isn't necessarily a bad thing. We just started hanging out and talking for hours again on the phone after a month-long break, where we spoke and texted on and off, so break might not be the right word, more like space. He told me he loves me. He told me if I was cis he'd marry me. But then he said I'm not. It breaks, breaks, breaks my heart. I don't know what to do. One time, he asked me if I started going out with someone else, would I leave that guy if he changed his mind. I told him I would dump Fictional Man in a second to be with him.

But now I've been talking to this guy, we've exchanged pics, he likes me and thinks I'm cute, and it seems like he'll soon be my new BF. The thing is I'm still in love with this Guy A, of J, since that is also the letter of his first name. I think about him all the time. I go to sleep dreaming he is next to me. We slept together last week, just sleep no sex, ans kinda cuddled but that's not enough. I want it all. I want to be married to him. I love him so much it hurts. The only thing in my favor right now is his mom loves me. He told her that she loves when he's with me cause she doesn't have to worry as she knows Ill keep him out of trouble cause I care so much.

But like you, I just don't know what to do. But I'm a big fan of self-torture and would take friends over nothing, even though it will hurt. The other thing is he knows all this stuff about being trans all the sudden. Like a lot of stuff. So he must be spending large amounts of time reading about it. Something he has never done. He even looked up pics of post-op women's vaginas to see how I will look and he said he is amazed at how real the neo-vagina is. He even knew that term. I met him on June 5 of last year, three months into transtion. But I was passing for the most part by then, or at the very least looked like the most feem guy ever with a set of boobs.

I don't know. It does suck. I'm prolly going to go out with Guy B and he's a lawyer but what he seems so nice and what if Guy A comes back. Then I will have to break this guy's heart and it breaks my heart just thinking about doing that. It does suck doesn't it. I'mnot post-op but we have had sex several times and used to live together from July to mid-Feb, when he decided he needed space.

I don't know how this helps but you're not alone in this boat. I'm here too. I would just date, and try to put him in the back of your mind. But it's so tough isn't it. All I think about is him. I want to go to sleep right now just so I can dream about him and cuddle with my pillow and pretend it's him. I'm such a weirdo. Last week he did keep slipping up and saying we're a couple and when we weren't talking I heard he was really upset all the time and then after the break, he all the sudden was bouncing off the walls. My one friend says he is def in love with me but doesn't know what to do and is afraid.

[ath]

I want to tell J that when he cried in my arms after he found out I'm trans, it was because he was mourning the woman he thought I was. And if he can't be with me, then it means that to him, that woman is dead and has been replaced by someone who isn't that woman. But to me that woman he fell for is alive and in front of him, and the man that woman fell in love with is very much in front of her. So if J and I were to remain friends, I'll spend years and years being a woman in love with a man who thinks she's dead, pining for that man and comparing anyone else she meets to him. I would prefer to pretend that he's not alive, just as he doesn't think the woman he fell in love with is alive.

Have you said the things you said in this paragraph to him? If not, maybe if he hears more about how things are from your perspective it might help him process it.

Also, I totally get what you mean with the whole 'not-being-able-to-be-around-someone-who-broke-up-with-you-for-a-while' thing (wow that was too long, lol). My GF broke up with me about 1 week after I started HRT. For a few days I was feeling the way you described - not wanting to be around them or speak just because the breakup hurts too much. We loved each other a ton. But it hurts her too, to have broken up with me. Now I'm comfortable around her and, while I do think about the fact that I've lost her, and how perfect we were for each other, she has proven in the past 2-3 weeks that she is definitely still a great friend, and we still love each other, just not in a romantic sense anymore. I've gotten over it now, but I get over things very quickly.

It does hurt still, but honestly I've begun to view this as an opportunity for me to move forward. We both want to be in each others lives forever, still. Just not as partners. It just was difficult for me because she's the one who doesn't want to be with me now that I'm transitioning, and I was really hoping she'd want to stay together. Before I told her I was trans, she -repeatedly-, like almost every day told me she wanted to be with me forever, and I said the same thing to her. I'm just saying I know where you're coming from, on that point. But I think, in my experience, those types of friend - ex-lover friends, who you're on -extremely- good terms with, tend to be the best friends you could have.

[mandonlym]

I don't know how this helps but you're not alone in this boat. I'm here too.

Thanks for your story Joanna, and for everyone's support. It absolutely does help to know there's someone else out there in my position and that we're all working through this together.

The funny thing is that I'm always most desirable when I'm emotionally unavailable, because guys sense that and it activates their "I'll try to get her since she's a challenge" instincts. There's a perfectly wonderful, much more trans-aware guy making me dinner tonight, totally lovely, and has pretty much stated he wants to be a couple. But I'm scared about having J in the back of my head, and am waiting until we talk until I make any commitments to this new guy.

So yeah, I know I'm fortunate. Not everyone is lucky enough to find people to love and who love them, and I've been blessed to have had that with different people throughout my life. But it still hurts like hell to think about the possibility that I may not end up with the one I really want.

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

Hugs Mandonlyn. I feel your pain too, right now. It sucks. Hugs. x

[mandonlym]

Have you said the things you said in this paragraph to him? If not, maybe if he hears more about how things are from your perspective it might help him process it.

No, last night was really the first time I've had the chance to think about it in this way. I've been traveling for work and when I'm here in New York I've literally been going out every possible free time I have to distract myself, so last night when L canceled because he had a cold was the first time I was really alone in the city since J and I last talked.

In our last conversation before J asked to take a two-week break so he can think, he said that his mind really wants to but his heart isn't following, and that it might be best for us to be close friends because he still feels a lot of love for me that way, but is having a hard time with physical intimacy. I told him I know that if we go that route and I end up with someone else, that he'll someday think about the possibility of us and regret his decision. I told him that I want to be with him not just because of our connection, but because I'm the best version of myself when I'm with him, and that he opens me up to the possibility of the fullest love and he has no idea what I'm capable of. And I only feel that capacity to love with him. That's what I said.

It's different with an ex who you know you can never be with than with J. With my ex R I know he's not attracted to me as a woman. With J I know that in his heart of hearts he wants to be with me but he's just too afraid, and that fear is preventing him from accessing his love. We've talked about video games a bit and I know he enjoys them. It's as though he's on his life quest and he thought he had conquered all the levels, but then he's presented with me. He finds himself needing to conquer his biggest fears, his feelings of inadequacy as a man because he was bullied so much for being a sensitive child, to be with the person who would make him happiest.

A big part of me still can't believe he might quit, and to be honest, there's a part of me that's so mad at him for not fighting. I don't think he has any idea how hard it is for me to be in the presence of someone I love who might reject me for being trans, when so many other people have been ready and willing to be with me despite that knowledge. I'm choosing to be with him despite my own fears. All I'm asking is for him to do the same.