I have been a little bit missing, or absent from here lately. Not talking much at length.
For about 2 years, we have prepared for the death of my grandfather. Someone who's opinion of me has always mattered deeply.
He passed away almost a month ago now. God, I can't believe it has already been weeks.
I was scared during all of this... about who I was and what it all meant. Afraid my convictions might fade in the face of loss and a sense of mortality. God knows it would be easier to not be trans.
But here I am, more certain than ever of who I am and what I need to do. Can't help but feel like I am growing up a lot more.
I have been living like I think he would want me to. More open, and honest, and loving. This time, right now, for my family so full of grief is not about me in the slightest and I understand that. But I have come to understand that I need to open up sooner rather than later not just for myself, but them as well.
Sometimes the fear of who and what I am is overwhelming. It seems so complicated and strange. Like life shouldn't be this hard to figure out. But then I connect with amazing communities such as this one, and I know I am not alone. Not crazy. And not hopeless.
I know that no matter what I do I will piss someone somewhere off. But not the people that love me (at least not permanently).
I plan to come out... soon. I think I will know when the time is right.
But the main points for me are that I am seen as a respectable, compassionate, reasonable, and logical human being. My biggest fear is of losing that. Or hurting someone. In my heart, I know that I have to come out. I have to keep moving on this.
I'm pretty sure they have started getting the idea on their own in some way. Voice aside, I can pass with ease.
Blah blah blah. Anyways, I guess this is just a long winded way of saying, I'm ready.
And now, at least, (in what I believe) I know my grandpa knows. And I feel like he is proud of me.
