Feeling guilty... Help.

[Johnny Tristan]

Sometime this weekend, I'll be injecting testosterone for the first time. I'm really excited. This is the first step in the right direction for me. So, I thought it would be appropriate to tell my father the news. I've already been out to him for a few years, and he wasn't alright with the idea but he wasn't entirely unsupportive either. Fast forward, I'm living independently in a different city and with my girlfriend (which intention to marry) and I give him the call. He immediately tries to persuade me that I'll regret my decision and to wait until I'm at least in my mid-twenties. He believes that I can accept myself and the gender I was assigned no problem in the next few years.

We both know that will never happen, because I've known I was male all my life and struggled with my gender for as long as I can remember. The dysphoria is crippling and I'm always uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm depressed and miserable. But I can't help but feel guilty because my father was my best friend growing up and we're extremely close. We love each other so much, but we don't agree on this. He can't accept this reality. I understand his argument and concern. He's a great person to sincerely care for my safety and well being, but it's not my fault. I never asked to be born this way and I do not want to endure any more painful and unproductive years. I don't want to break my family's heart either. I just don't know what to do. Putting it off longer isn't an option, but what can I say? What can I do? Please help. I need advice.

[Jessica Merriman]

Don't feel guilty #1 because as you said, you did not ask to be born this way. As a late transitioner myself I can say Dysphoria only grows stronger as the years go by. I know it is hard to live your life outside of their wishes, but you have to do it for your mental and physical health. I would hate to see anyone live like I have miserable and hopeless for 40 years or greater. Just be respectful and polite when dealing with them as they have provided for you a long time. Be compassionate, but live YOUR life as you need to. I know from personal experience you can not shut Dysphoria away and live a happy productive life. I lost so much by living bitter, angry and depressed. Now I live every day full of hope and wonder and feel 20 years younger. I went from 12 daily meds for health issue's caused by Dysphoria from high blood pressure, PTSD from my career, high blood sugar and several other issue's. I have been off of all 12 for one year now and my body has returned to normal. I have normal blood sugar levels, blood pressure, pulse rate and no single PTSD flashbacks. My advice, do what is in your heart and soul or you will tear yourself up from the inside out. Good luck! 

[Finnyh]

A key thing is that this is your life, not his. He seems to care about you immensely, though, so I wouldn't hold it against him. I'm pretty sure he will come around to the idea if he really does love and care about you as a father should. Perhaps he feels as though he's losing a child, but you're still gonna be you whether you're on T or not.
You seem pretty certain about what you want and who you really are. You shouldn't NOT start on T because of somebody else, since, really, he will never truly understand how dysphoria feels. This is for your fulfilment and your completion, not his.

[Fred86]

Don't feel guilty #1 because as you said, you did not ask to be born this way. As a late transitioner myself I can say Dysphoria only grows stronger as the years go by. I know it is hard to live your life outside of their wishes, but you have to do it for your mental and physical health. I would hate to see anyone live like I have miserable and hopeless for 40 years or greater. Just be respectful and polite when dealing with them as they have provided for you a long time. Be compassionate, but live YOUR life as you need to. I know from personal experience you can not shut Dysphoria away and live a happy productive life. I lost so much by living bitter, angry and depressed. Now I live every day full of hope and wonder and feel 20 years younger. I went from 12 daily meds for health issue's caused by Dysphoria from high blood pressure, PTSD from my career, high blood sugar and several other issue's. I have been off of all 12 for one year now and my body has returned to normal. I have normal blood sugar levels, blood pressure, pulse rate and no single PTSD flashbacks. My advice, do what is in your heart and soul or you will tear yourself up from the inside out. Good luck! 

I completely agree with Jessica there. I am in my late 20's and for me things only got massively worse recently. I am in a loving relationship and quite happy but both she and I know that in order to be truly happy I first need to become who I am. Don't tell anybody else tell you how to feel and what you need, as important as they may be. You're not a child and you sound like you know who you are and that's what matters.

I am sure he meant well, as painful as it must've been to hear it, but for parents it's sometimes hard to see what's best for their children, despite their good intention. I would just suggest to try to involve him as much as you can and would like to in the process, it might help him understand you and your decisions better.

[Adam (birkin)]

I've been in your shoes, and I made the decision to put off transition for several years because my family said they needed "time", and I felt that if I put it off they'd see it was legit.

My advice: DON'T. And don't feel guilty. These are a few things that from my own experience, and observing others, that I have learned to be true:

1) It's hard for them no matter how long you delay. My grandma, who arguably had the worst time with it for those years, said to me the other day "it's so much easier for me now that you look like a man. It was so hard to call you by your new name and explain it to others, but when they see you look male, they understand why you're not *birthname* anymore."

2) If they love you, they will always come around. I had so many family members tell me, flat out, "I will NEVER use that name or refer to you as male." Guess what? They all do. Lol. It took a long time but they are doing it. A lot of them started when I told them I didn't want to come to family gatherings if they weren't going to use the correct name...they realized that I wasn't changing my mind and that they'd lose me if they didn't try to accept me. But that's another issue.

3) Delaying does really horrible things for your mental health. It would be one thing if you weren't sure, then it's not a good idea - but you are, and so was I. Putting it off damaged my self-esteem (because I felt like a failure for not taking my life into my own hands), exposed me to way more discrimination and ignorance than I needed to (because I looked like a girl, but was clearly...not inclined that way). I was really maladjusted, and when I finally started being able to live as male, those problems basically went away entirely.

I realize this isn't a very comforting post, lol. It's a topic I feel pretty strongly about so I might come off a bit...brusque. I know how hard this is, especially with the family you are close to. The guilt can be overwhelming. And it's OK to feel guilty, but don't let it stop you from doing what you need to do for yourself. You need to ground yourself in what you know is right for yourself, and look to that knowledge of yourself when the guilt comes by. And know it's only going to get better with your family.

[Johnny Tristan]

Thank you, everyone! All your answers helped me a lot and all of you are right--- this is my life, not his. My transition is vital to my physical and mental health, so despite the negative feedback from my family, I just have to keep moving forward. It's incredible after listening to your different experiences how much better you are doing after transitioning. Especially, you Jessica, for not having PTSD flashbacks anymore since HRT. Birkin, you weren't brusque at all. Your response did comfort me and helped me get over my fear of being rejected. I went ahead and bit the bullet yesterday after reading everyone's input when I took my first injection of testosterone. I'm already feeling happier and more confident. I can't wait until I see visible changes in the next year. Thank you again.