Help Please: Telling My Parents

[Jason C]

So, I finally feel like I'm ready to tell my parents that I'm trans. I can't do it face-to-face because I wouldn't be able to say what needs to be said, so I've written a letter going into the specifics based on questions they'd likely ask. But even the thought of giving them the letter terrifies me, I feel sick, I feel close to throwing up. I feel like a coward. Loads of people tell their parents; people who know their parents will not support them. And here I am, 95% sure my parents will accept it and be cool with it, and I can't even hand them a damn letter. I don't know what to do; I'm so close and yet so far. All I have to do is hand them a letter, then discuss it, and that's it, I'm free. After that awkwardness, I can be myself. But this hurdle is like Mount Everest, and I feel like every opportunity I get, I tell myself, "No, I can't." I don't know what to do, I don't know how to handle it. I've never been more scared in my life.

[suzifrommd]

Well I can't make you give it to them.

Can you leave it somewhere where they'll see it? Can you mail it to them? Would that be easier?

It helps me to pray for courage. If, like me, you're not sure about God, pray to your inner strength. It works just as well.

Good luck Jason. Don't forget that life's an adventure.

[cisdad]

My son was rather older than you look to be when he came out to me.  By this time, he had been living independently for years, and he emailed me about being trans.  Both he and I are pretty verbal people, printed or spoken, so that kind of communication is fine for/with us.  Is it something for you and your parents?  Maybe a voice recording would be better?  maybe call the answering machine, ensuring that they're not going to pick up while you're talking?

I do think it worked well for my son and me that he was able to go through the things he wanted to say without me interrupting.  Even to jump in with 'yes I love you' probably wouldn't have worked as well.  So paper, email, or phone message might be better than face to face conversation.  Since my reading between the lines included a lot of him saying 'Please don't hate me', my email reply went with several repetitions of 'I (still) love you!'.  Since he'd started by email, I answered by email (within the hour of getting his note), but asked about phoning him.  When he replied, he did ok phoning, so I did.  And things proceeded well from there.  You might consider suggesting that they respond by writing (or phone message that you do _not_ listen to in real time)?  A way to let you and them absorb the news and think about the real feelings, rather than immediately answering?

I certainly understand your concern, even with parents you're 95% confident will respond ok.  It took my son years to come out, and it wasn't until it was basically a desperation move that got him over the hump of telling me.  He'd known me longer, probably, than you've known your parents.  And though I never mentioned trans*, I had mentioned/supported nondiscrimination against gays (which he also is).  Still, he was scared to tell me.  So you being scared too is no surprise.

But a word from the supportive parent's view (which is 95% where you think your parents are).  My biggest sadness in his coming out to me was not that he was gay, or that he was trans, but that he had suffered so much for so long by _not_ telling me.  I love my kid, and want him to be happy and healthy.  Going through life as a woman was making him miserable and unhealthy.  Happy, healthy gay+trans kid is enormously better in my parental view than unhappy, unhealthy pretending-to-be-straight+cis kid.

A different thought.  Perhaps I and my circle are just about unique, or people like us just don't get much press.  But I asked my son about telling other people, starting with immediate family, and even after my positive response, he was very concerned -- about his safety.  So he said, a big point, that he trusted me to tell only people that it would be safe to tell.  So far, that's everybody in the family, and all our friends.  Maybe part of it is how I present it -- poppa bear does not take kindly to people who are mean to his kids.  You might mention something about whether/who your parents should/shouldn't tell about you being trans.

From the parent's side again: Answering a few of their likely questions is a good idea, but I'd suggest limiting that to the top few.  And then go to the "These are things you can do to help" suggestions.  I asked my son this, as he'd focused initially just on how he knew he was trans+gay and how much living otherwise was hurting him.  For him, top desires were for me to use his male name, and the male pronouns.  Whatever yours are, let your parents know.  If they're coming from my view (I want my kid happy and healthy, what can I do to help this happen), they'll be very concerned about this.  Having a couple guidepoints, if not a full roadmap, will be helpful.

Good luck!

[Jason C]

Thanks for your replies, both of you

Leaving it somewhere they'd find it was my first idea, but I think I'm just going to tell them that I need to tell them something important, but it's hard to say face-to-face, so I've written them a letter. Ah, I don't even know what I'm scared of, I think it's just that the first step is the hardest. I am prepared for questions, but I don't really expect any, because the letter includes things that I know they'd ask or be wondering. I wanted them to have clear answers that aren't made confusing by my nervousness.

I guess the thing to do is to just take a deep breath and do it. I'm telling you, I have a million times more respect for everyone who's told their parents now that I know just how difficult it is lol.

[Ms Grace]

If you can then face-to-face is the better way, even though it's certainly not the easiest. You've written the letter, that's what you want to say, so have it with you and underline the important parts you really need to tell them so you don't forget if you get caught up in the emotion of it all. I told my folks yesterday, I felt quite ill about the thought of it up until I made a time to go and visit and then the calm descended. I actually felt pretty zen going over to their place and catch up over lunch. And then I dropped the bomb. Sure I got very emotional and the tears started flowing but that's not a bad thing, right? I had expected my father to be very angry but he wasn't. They were both understanding and accepting. If you're expecting support from your folks then that's positive, right. If it goes well you will feel so much better - if it doesn't then some extra work will be required but you will still feel better for telling them. All the best!

[Whynaut]

Hey, thanks to everyone who has commented on this -- I'm planning to tell my mom today and I'm terrified. I'm hoping my step dad will not be home so I can talk to her privately. He's a sweet guy but they were only recently married a couple years ago so I just don't know him as well. Then my brother and his girlfriend will be there eventually. Honestly I wish I had a time to talk with only her, but this is my break from grad school and it's the most convenient time to travel down to meet her.

My biggest worry is that she will miss her daughter. :s I think she has always looked toward this "female" bond in a positive light and I feel awful guilty for destroying it.

I'm not planning to come out as pan/bisexual today but if she asks about dating it might turn into a double whammy of coming out.

[cisdad]

Good luck whynaut!

From first hand and second hand observation ... don't worry/feel guilty about 'destroying' the old bond.  Yes, some parents (not me, but not uncommon in PFLAG meetings from first-timers) 'miss' their daughter, or the fancy dress wedding, etc..  So to other parents, they'll maybe be sad or wistful. 

BUT even early on, they know this is a selfish old part of themselves clinging on to an old mental image -- not who they really are, or want to be, or what they want for their child.  The prime thing they want is their kid to be happy and healthy.  Catching up to this reality is where they're going, and they do get there.  Just not instantly for everyone.  (I'm assuming you're more in the situation of the OP -- pretty confident of positive response.)

Then new framework for bonds form.  Mine with my son (who I'd assumed was my daughter) were based on the good things we had done together, the good I'd seen him do, hopes and dreams and so forth.  Not really on him being my 'daughter', but on being a good person. 

[Rachel]

Jason, hugs

I know coming out can be terrifying.

It sounds like you know how they will handle the situation. When you are ready you will tell them.

Doing it  face to face would build agency and help them understand quicker.

Let them know you love them and that you have something important to tell them. Then free yourself.

[Katherine]

Hi Jason,
Well, it is a difficult step to take.  Not knowing how they will react, whether or not they'll accept you.  I told my mother when I was 40 something.  It was over the phone and I was deeply distressed and had to come out.  She cried, but at the same time was very supportive, which I really didn't expect.  My stepfather, not so much, but he wasn't very negative about it either.  My mother told my sisters and they too were surprisingly supportive.  I guess at some point in time we need to tell our families.  I know that on this site family has been either supportive, not supportive, or somewhere in the middle, trying to deal with it in their own ways.  I guess a letter is one way to handle it.  Perhaps a sit down with your mother.  Either way, I know how you feel and the difficulty of coming out to those you love.  For me, I believe I told my mother that "I have to tell you something".  I think she felt the stress in my voice.  The first question she immediately asked me was " are you gay?"  What a surprise that was!  I responded no and told her I'm transsexual.  I told her I'm really a woman.  Later, she told me in a rather extensive letter that it made sense, referring to my childhood.  Anyway, I wish you all the luck in coming out to your parents and I hope that you find them supportive.  You're being very brave and that's what you need to be.  Please let us know whether or not you come out to them and if so, how it went.  We are here for you.  Take care.

[Tori]

I, due to living thousands of miles away, had to tell my parents over the phone. They took it very well but they also needed time to digest.

After several months, they finally told their siblings.

I was talking to my mom yesterday, just after she had told her brother and two sisters, and I mentioned how great she sounded, as if a huge weight had been lifted.

She said, "I can't believe I kept it bottled up for that long. How on Earth did you manage to keep it secret for 37 years?"

[Jason C]

If you can then face-to-face is the better way, even though it's certainly not the easiest. You've written the letter, that's what you want to say, so have it with you and underline the important parts you really need to tell them so you don't forget if you get caught up in the emotion of it all. I told my folks yesterday, I felt quite ill about the thought of it up until I made a time to go and visit and then the calm descended. I actually felt pretty zen going over to their place and catch up over lunch. And then I dropped the bomb. Sure I got very emotional and the tears started flowing but that's not a bad thing, right? I had expected my father to be very angry but he wasn't. They were both understanding and accepting. If you're expecting support from your folks then that's positive, right. If it goes well you will feel so much better - if it doesn't then some extra work will be required but you will still feel better for telling them. All the best!

Wow, well done, that must've been a massive relief

Thanks everyone ah, face-to-face would be great, but I really can't handle that. Once I give them the letter and they've read it, they'll no doubt come to speak to me, so we'll still have a conversation, I'm sure. Just this way, it's not quite as tense for me. I think I'll have to throw a party once I've done it, because it's turned into something very difficult.

[immortal gypsy]

Hi Jason.
Don't worry about the fear it is natural it is what makes us human.  If your struggling about giving them the letter but don't want to tell them face to face why not both? Write a second copy of the letter walk up to them during a quite part of the day and say 'mum, dad I'm trans read this <give them one copy each> I'll be in my room when you're finished' (or what ever room you wish to have the conversation with). It forces you to give them the letter cause you've let the cat out of the bag. But you don't have to deal with all the interruptions and allegations (if any) as you try to explain to them that you are still their child because you have given them a letter with your reasons and answers to some questions you think they are going to ask.

[Erik Ezrin]

I can't really help you, but I totally feel your fear bro! I am freaking scared to death to tell them as well, like... more scared than ever before. I'd prolly be LESS scared of death actually... (because oddly I'm not so scared of it at all. I'd only be sad, because I still want to do and experience lots of things. But scared of death itself... nah. Once you're gone, you don't know anymore anyway. Lol. It's worse for the people who stay behind)
I think I'll either tell them face-to-face and just answer their questions, talk about it, etc. or give them a SHORT letter, stay close and then answer the questions, because I know from experience that if I use a letter... I'm still very much scared, and don't come to terms with stuff myself. So in that case, they would read it, and I'd be too freaking scared to talk with them about it or take a stand myself (I had this a while back when I wrote a letter to my friends, I was too cowardly to bring it up myself, and they just waited on me, so nothing happened :s). The only way I can get comfortable about something is TALK about it, no matter how hard that is :s
I'm just thinking to tell my dad first, cause I have a better relationship with him, and tell him I feel like a boy on the inside, not even yet using the word transgender, and then discuss it further with him, tell him how I feel, how scared I am, how difficult it is, what my future plans are, like name change, hormones, etc. and hope his fatherly instinct will take over.

[GnomeKid]

I also left a letter, and was 95% sure everything would go well. I did it super early in the morning.  My mom had just picked me up from the airport after a 2-3 week or so trip I'd taken (probably between my sophmore and junior years of college).  I went up to take a shower and had either handed her the note before hand or left where I knew she'd see it before I got out of the shower.  My mom is the one you tell things like this in my family, and she will communicate them to my dad.  I got out, we talked, and by the end of the conversation she had agreed that top surgery and hormones are things we needed to get around to asap. 

I think leaving them time to digest it is important.  Even with loving accepting parents I don't think its fair to not give them time to digest, and I don't think gut reactions will be the best display of their true feelings.  We've had years to figure this out, and get used to the idea.  They deserve at least a half hour or so. 

I don't know your situation as far as living with your parents or not, but if you do maybe do it before you're going out for shopping or something.  If you don't then I'd hand it to them before heading back to your place, and maybe wait for them to call you? or call them a couple hours later?  or come by the next day?

Good Luck!