Spiritual or physical sadness?

[Satinjoy]

Something is up with me, either I am feeling a grieving in the Spirit or I am mourning something in me.  Possibly the impact on my sex life with my wife, which hurts from the point of view of being unable to take care of that basic need for her - she is male oriented and I am too far into transition for that- or worse I was disobediant through being driven by the dysphoria to transition.  The docs and the hormones were direct prayer answers though.  But I feel the greiving.  Also being trans basically hamstrings me in the church from ministry.  So does pride for that matter.

But I get weepy, and its not low estrogen its something else.  It does not help that I am exhausted and feel like I am a living apologetic proving that trans is not sin.  The enemy also takes advantage of this.

Anyone else go down this road?

I also remain fearful at times, paralyzing fear.  If it hadn't been for my wifes vision of Christ saying to her fear not and mine with Him saying trust me I think that even with the therapy I'd be much closer to the edge than I sometimes get.

Its usually the Pauline scriptures that do me in a little, and I understand well that the Romans slide is not applicable if you didn't slide, and that effeminate is actually a cult male underage prostitute or basically concubine having relations with an older person.  I get eunichism, I get Jesus's compassion and heart, but i still struggle.  And I fight to stay pure, hard.

I think I may be fighting my own dysphoria a little once in a while, I keep tensing up and holding my breath, then have to do breathing excercizes to release and allow myself to feel what in childhood was utterly unacceptable.  Meaning anything sensual in a female way.  I could never handle it they beat the crap out of me for it verbally and sometimes physically, though with the rage I had they paid the price for it when I saw red.

Does anyone feel like their choices have grieved the Spirit or am I taking a dart or is it unavoidable grieving of the Spirit because it is an unbeatable dysphoria and it hurts sometimes me and those I love?  It is unbeatable for me anyway.  It crushed me.  And then I buy in on well if you were really Christian you'd get healed of it or delivered from it.  My mind wont believe it but the insistance of decades of preaching makes me feel like crap about it, because it was labeled as bad and a flaw and worse case demon created.  Which is bull but the enemy will and does exploit it.

Thoughts my trusted friends?  What do you do when overtaken by feelings like this?  I strive to land on facts and I pray my head off.

Today has not been a good day.  I have been right at the edge, just worn out.  Its the enormity of what i did, under compulsion, with full knowledge of the consequences, and I could not stop myself from doing it, it was futile, I felt I had to transition and that it was the only possible opportunity for me to do so.  The crisis was triggered by a minor BPH issue but the treatment involved Finesteride and once I looked that drug up and what it did, I was finished.

God Bless all of you.  I had no place else to turn tonight.

It hurts tonight.

[Constance]

First, by "the enemy" ("The enemy also takes advantage of this.") do you mean the Adversary? If so, I've learned to not fear the Adversary. It's hard to explain, but I don't let him have any power over me and I guess it's because I believe the only power he has is what I give him. Maybe that's vain.

I usually experience grief as something of the Spirit, it can hit so deeply.

I don't see being trans or queer as being sinful. I am as my Creator made me, and I was made trans (and queer). In spite of growing up in the Catholic church, I guess I've always felt that Jesus was okay with who I was, all the way down to my core.

I have a very complicated relationship with the Pauline scriptures, and I have trouble fully explaining why.

I've never been mad at GOD for being trans. It was more that I was mad at myself. And I think it's my Christianity that helped heal me of that self-anger at being trans. Now, I go to a very liberal UCC church (with 2 out-of-the-closet lesbian pastors) that preaches the Gospel of Inclusion. That's probably part of it. In summer 2011 I was very close to the edge, so close that I had to be talked down by both my therapist and one of the aforementioned pastors. My pastor even had David (my former persona) promise not to harm Constance, and Constance had promised to try to forgive David.

I'm not sure what this says about my faith at that point in time, but GOD and Jesus alone were not enough to sustain me. But for that I had the community of my church. I'm in a very different place now, and my faith is stronger.

By all means, pray. But turn to those around you when you can.

Peace.

[Satinjoy]

It helped.

I know I am ok with Jesus.  Big time.  And i am not very conflicted with the scriptures.  Just have some moments, mostly Pauline sourced.  And I love most of his stuff, its just the things that I think are way off and not culturally relevant.

I think that part of this centers around never intending to transition to support my wife, and then hitting a wall and doing it anyway.  I know that having been hidden for decades and then having this hit was devastating, and that saddens me.  Yet I am not sure how much of a choice I had with it.  The key issue is did I have a choice, or was transition inevitable given my dysphoria.

Considering the pain I was in, it probably was inevitable.  It most certainly is not something I wish to change now.  I don't think I could handle it.

So that is the crux, I am blaming myself for putting her through this, while doing the best I can to make the relationship as sweet as possible, and we are very close.