Dealing with being misgendered

[caliyr]

Hello everyone, I am an FTM from London, been on T for 9 months but had to stop a year ago (incompetent GP got confused over it and forced me to stop because I started T in another country despite having all the papers&permission). I dont really look convincingly male so 99% of the times I get misgendered and it bothers me a lot. How do you cope with this? My appointment with the GIC in Charing Cross is a month from now and I will get back on T but it will take at least a year to have any visible effects and I need some advice. I am 24/7 nervous and anxious whenever out of my house, and when I talk to people, I lose all my confidence as soon as I get called "she" or there are any signs that they are taking me for a female...
Advice please? How do you cope with this crap?
Thank you a lot

[Kreuzfidel]

Before starting T, I had the same issue.  It was hit and miss for me - sometimes I'd get "ma'amed" and sometimes not.  I think the only thing that you can do is really have a think about how you can try to help yourself look more male.  Sometimes it can be something as simple as a haircut that gives people the wrong impression.  Otherwise, it can be about body language - a confident guy is more likely to be taken at face value than one who is tense and avoidant.  You can also actually correct people who misgender you - a gentle "sorry, but it's 'he'" or "I'm actually a 'sir'" can at least help you feel better and validate yourself.

[FTMDiaries]

Firstly, your GP may be misinformed or working to old standards. NHS guidelines changed last August, and it is now possible for your GP to put you on HRT before you go to CHX. Have a look at the current protocols for England (in fact, I recommend printing these out and taking them to your GP); page 17 discusses 'bridging endocrine treatment', which is what you should ask your GP for if you want to use T as soon as possible.

Secondly, I hate to break this to you, but CHX may not put you back on T until they've completed their mandatory minimum 3 months of assessments. I hope you're lucky though: they do seem to be starting to use the new protocols, but there are people here who've waited a long time to get their hormones. Anyway, if your GP won't prescrible bridging endocrine treatment, take all the documentation of your previous prescription with you to CHX and ask them to give you bridging treatment whilst you wait to complete your assessments.

Lastly, whenever I'm misgendered, I throw it back in the face of whoever decided to presume my gender for me. I try to do this gently and with humour wherever possible... but I always start by thinking of how a cisguy would react if somebody called him 'madam', and I respond accordingly. For example, I've been known to look shocked and embarrassed, then I look down towards my crotch with exaggerated worry and say 'Madam? I bloody well hope not!'. I then joke about needing to go to the bathroom to check nothing's missing.

Of course, I know there's nothing there in the first place to go missing. But a cisguy would say that sort of thing, and joking about it defuses he situation and makes me feel a million times better. And if the person who called me 'madam' feels a bit embarrassed, that's unfortunate... but they shouldn't presume people's gender if they don't want to feel embarrassed when they get it wrong.

[GnomeKid]

I know its not an option for some people, but I didn't bother with trying to be seen as male at all before starting T.  Early into T I went through a period of just sort of letting people decide what I was for themselves and not bothering over it.  We can't jump in other's heads and preemptively force them to see us how we want.  They're only human.  To me it wasn't worth bothering about trying to force others to see me a certain way.  People are going to react to what they see, and its not always/usually (I guess I can't say... I'm not in anyone else's head but my own) a conscious reaction.  They see female features and hear a female voice and they think female.  They say she or mam.  Its not intended as offense.  They actually probably think it'd be more rude to do the opposite. 

I guess this is how I never let it bum me out too terribly badly.

[Ryan55]

I just try to ignore it for now, I get that cringe feeling and blow it off, being Pre T my voice gives me away most the time, just can't help it and i know they are only doing it to not be rude, so i just ignore it for the most part, I think once I'm on T for a few months though I will probably try and correct them.

[Adam (birkin)]

I dealt with that for quite a while, until just over a year on hormones. It's a tough one and I don't have an easy answer, because some days dysphoria gets the better of me and I still don't leave the house, after passing 95%+ of the time for almost a year. But I can tell you that you will eventually get to a point where you know what to say. I was scared to correct people for a while and so never did, but one day I literally just had enough and someone misgendered me and I calmly said "Ma'am? I'm not a woman." It was awkward, but hey, I did it, and you can do it too. Sometimes it's just about getting to a point where you feel comfortable enough and ready enough within yourself.

It's OK if you don't want to correct people yet either and just want to feel more comfortable going out. My brother (cis) gets called ma'am a lot and he usually never says anything. I know some other men who have gotten called ma'am at drivethrough or whatever and never said anything. My trick for feeling better has taken a lot of time...I really needed to get to the point where I shifted from thinking "I'm male and I'm trying to be seen as male" to "I'm a male that sometimes gets mistaken for a woman." You just need to think that inside yourself, that you're being mistaken for female but it doesn't make you any less male. That's a difficult line to walk, because of course it matters - you're a man and don't care to be reminded of your condition when people see you as female. It does require a sall bit of self-deception. But it was enough to get me out of the house.