Coming out to more and more people

[Emi]

Hi !

My mother's reaction when I told her that I'm MtF made me so sad and affraid when she said that I must have mental troubles to say such things that I didn't want to talk about it again with somebody "IRL". But I found courage since then and I came out to two friends. Their reactions were similar to my mom's one but I can change my friends, not my family. It took me time but I came out again to two other persons. A really really good friend who said that it changed nothing for her and that our friendship stays the same and that she would do all she could to help me. She really helps me just by saying that. The other people I came out to were against ->-bleeped-<- and having a supportive friend "IRL" made me feel really good. The other person I came out to recently was a teacher. He's really open minded and I knew that I could speak about this with him. He said that he would give me all the help I need if I am in troubles with other students and that he will help me to make my parents more comprehensive about this so that I'll be able to see a therapist (soon I hope ) !
I had a wonderful week coming out to these two persons. I don't know if it always feels that good to have a good coming out. Tell me :p

[Ms Grace]

A shame your mother and friends treated you like that. It's definitely better to get a good reaction!

[Julia-Madrid]

I had a wonderful week coming out to these two persons. I don't know if it always feels that good to have a good coming out. Tell me :p

Hiya... it's obviously always rewarding to find people giving you a strongly positive reaction.  You talk about your fellow students, so I am assuming that you're either at school or university.  I guess that could present some problems since people are so critical at that age.  BUT BE STRONG and try to know yourself - if you are confident in yourself, and of yourself, you solve 99% of problems you might have with people.

[Emi]

BE STRONG

I'll try :p

PS : I'm in high school

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Τhats so nice

[Julia-Madrid]

I'll try :p
PS : I'm in high school

Aaaaargh!  High school was truly the time of my life I would never want to inflict on anybody     I was sooo confused and heaven knows how cruel kids are.  I just wanted to wear pink, which I did, even to the prom, as accessories to my tux!

But as I say to my girlfriends, you just need to thrust your titties out and go forward, bravely.  Be who you are and be proud of it.  Militantly proud.  You'll get massive respect for that!

[Emi]

I already got respect from the people I came out to for my courage :p

[Alaia]

Well I certainly respect you for your bravery. I couldn't muster up the courage to tell anyone when I was your age. Having friends to support you through this is very important. I'm glad you've found some that are willing to be there for you.

Give your mom some time. Most parents have hopes and dreams for their children that revolve around the identity they thought you had. It's hard to let go of that. Additionally, many parents will instead of seeing the pain and suffering you have been in will see this as something that will cause you pain and suffering because of how they fear others will treat you. It is natural to want to protect you from that.

Just keep reinforcing that this is what you need to be happy, that you've been miserable living a lie. Hopefully in time she will come around.

[Emi]

Yes I know my mom has hope and dreams for my future. Too many. She always want me to do the best
I have to find the force to speak to my family. I have enough of living like this...

[Sincerely Tegan]

If you haven't done so already, get some literature. There's a lot of books out there that might give you the proper language to explain your situation to people who are uninformed or misinformed about the circumstances in which we find ourselves. And our real friends might even wish to better educate themselves, so that they can be as supportive as possible; at times like that, it'd be nice to have something to hand to them. A book I can highly recommend (as I'm currently reading it) is True Selves by Mildred Brown.  Here's an Amazon UK link: https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/G/01/browser-scripts/navbarJS-global/navbarJS-global-min-2499162702._V1_.js

What strikes me, French (I'm just gonna call you French. Hope you don't mind), is how positive you seem to be, despite the disappointments and stresses in your week. You're brave, girl, braver than me and probably braver than you give yourself credit for. Never forget that: you are strong. I just commend you for seeing it as a "wonderful week"; I think this really shows that you have the perspective to really make it. In other words, you're going to be fine. I'm so glad you have a couple people in real life that you can lean on.

A little word of advice regarding the teacher, though. In the USA teachers have to sign contracts that make them "mandated reporters." This means that (provided that there are similar laws where you are) if your teacher were ever to be given the impression that you might be an immediate danger to yourself, then he has to legally report it, whether he wants to or not. So, with that in mind, try not to give him that impression or it may put him in a difficult situation, which would in turn affect you as well. I don't really think that's a concern here, as you seem to be holding together remarkably well. Still, it's just good to know.

Congratulations on your week. Any progress is a good thing. Chin up, girl. It sounds like you're going to be just fine.

Cheers,
Teg

[Emi]

I don't know if books would help that much, I prefer telling people directly. The last friend I came out to had loads of questions, about me, my mind, what I want to do etc, and I have her all the answers she wanted. I prefer to explain people that way, or to tell them to see specific web sites, instead of buying a book.
A great association in France is SOS Homophobie, and they have a really well-made website. I told the people I came out to to check this website, because it gives loads of informations and advises for gay, lesbian, bi, or trans* people and their Significant Others.

Thanks for the compliments :p
The support I have been given by the members here really helped. Four months ago I was totally dipressed and I didn't know who or what I was. I discovered the words and the force that I needed and in one week I came out to two really nice persons instead of keeping my thoughts for myself and slowly get dipressed again.

I don't know if teachers must do like in the USA where I live. But my teacher said me that he will call my parents on monday or tuesday so I'll can speak without stress with them :p
I hope it will pass fine ^^ 

PS : your link doesn't work on my phone, Tegan

[Sincerely Tegan]

Sorry, try that: http://www.amazon.co.uk/True-Selves-Understanding-Transsexualism-Professionals/dp/0787967025/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396122218&sr=8-1&keywords=True+selves

-Teg

[Emi]

Thanks for the link
Does it exist in french ?

[Emi]

Just came out to my brother !

I said him that I don't want to be a man, that shaving really hurted me because it's a man thing, and that I ever hated men things, and that I feel really good when I'm with girls because I feel like one of them.
He said that all of this is maybe caused by the fact that I am not friend with the "normal guys" and that I don't want to be like them but he's wrong, I never wanted to be a boy, I just discovered the meaning of my thoughts recently.
In all cases, my brother will help me to see a therapist. I think that things will be better for me now.

[Sincerely Tegan]

Fantastic news! Congratulations.

Really good news. Feel good about yourself, girl. You deserve it.

Cheers,
Teg

[Danniella]

I found the best course of action for me was to make a coming out video ^^

I have allot of friends and an enormous family (one of my grans had 11 kids! D:) so it was pretty much going to be impossible for me to talk to everybody one to one. Hence the idea to make a video explaining things came up...

Basically, I very loosely explained the condition etc, what it means for me, what it means for friends and family, answered a bunch of Frequently Asked Questions ("What about kids" "Does this mean you are gay?" etc etc) and finally posted a few links for further reading...

It worked out really well!! Like way better than expected!!

In my experience, if you are going to get a bad reaction from somebody, it's normally going to be when you are sitting in front of them, having just blind-sided them with this huge reveal, and expecting a reaction from them right now. Allot of people need time to digest and come to terms with things before they can be supportive, and initial reactions, even just perfectly natural ones of shock or withdrawal, can be properly hurtful, especially if you are in a fragile state of mind.

With a video, you can send them it, and it is almost like you are talking to them one to one, but you are not forcing them to react immediately. If they take a few days to get back to you etc, that's fine. They can come to terms with it in their own time. You don't get hurt, and they don't feel under pressure to react to it right now!

It was the best idea I have had in my transition so far, one click, a post on facebook, and over the course of the week all my friends and family sorted themselves out "behind the scenes" as such, and came to me with love and support in their own time.

I couldn't recommend it more.

[Emi]

I have a big family too 
But I don't often see most of them (I even don't know some of them lol) and many of them don't use a computer (I have some cousins who always travel around thr world).
So doing a video wouldn't be a good idea to tell my family I think. But for friends, maybe. I don't know. I prefer talking to them "IRL" but I can't see them all and it's difficult to tell it to one person, so to many ones, I can't imagine.

Tomorrow I think I'll speak about this with my family (I mean, my parents and my brothers and my sister).
My brother thinks that what I said is going to disappear with time, that this is a puberty thing, that everybody has questions at this age. He's totally wrong, and tomorrow I'll say it to my family.
In all cases I need to see a therapist, but I think that this is not going to disappear. Also, I should inform my family, because my brother for example says that even if I don't want to be a man, I can't change it. He doesn't know trans* related stuff I think.

EDIT : Just talked with my mom. She said me that we should start searching for a therapist, but a really good one. She said "I don't want to pay a random douchebag, I want a real therapist"

[Julia-Madrid]

EDIT : Just talked with my mom. She said me that we should start searching for a therapist, but a really good one. She said "I don't want to pay a random douchebag, I want a real therapist"

Yeah, c'est une nouvelle fantastique!! Don't be scared to ask people to recommend a therapist, and also don't be scared to leave a therapist if you don't think you are making progress after a few sessions. 

It's difficult to define what "progress" is, but here's an attempt:  if you are feeling frustrated that you don't seem to be moving in some clear direction after 3 or so sessions, then maybe you're not making progress.  That at least was my experience a) as a pre-adolescent, b) as a 25-year old, and c) as a 40-something year old who is now so totally ready to be what I need to be :-)

Get ready for an interesting and illuminating ride!

Hugs
Julia 

[Emi]

C'est une nouvelle fantastique ! 

You also speak french ?

I think I undestand what you mean when you say "progress" ; I think I already did some progress since the first time I came here 

The teacher I came out to told me that he will call my parents today so that we'll search for a good therapist. I hope it will pass fine !

I send you hugs too, Julia !

[Julia-Madrid]

You also speak french ?

Oui, mai pas sufficent pour parler entre nous sur ce thème par écrit. Dans un bar, bien sûr... 

Yeah, if you are noting progress, this is excellent.  A lot of the trans process is purely mental, becoming accustomed to new realities and ways of thinking, and most of it is up to you!  But when it feels right, the progress comes rapidly.

You will get there sooner than you think!

Bon week-end ... t'habites où?

Julia