How do you come out to partners?

[new name]

The question in the title has been a burning question multiple times in my life and I've never got a good answer.  While I don't pass NOW, I hope to pass within the next year after starting T again. Previously, actually twice, I've been in love with someone and feared losing her when I came out.  I put off coming out and I wasn't sure how to do it well.  Any tips?

[sneakersjay]

It all depends.

Some like to come out right away and get it over with.

Others (like me) like to get to know a person a bit before disclosing, to give the person a chance to get to know you without the label.  I like the 3rd date.  I'm unlikely to kiss or have sex before then anyway, and I'm not yet too invested if they decide to dump me over it.  Because once you get to know someone, it might not be an issue.  It also gives me time to know if I like the person or not; and if I really don't want to date them then I haven't wasted my time disclosing.  Since I'm stealth, I figure the fewer that know, the better.

It's really whatever you feel comfortable with.

[jonjon]

I agree with sneakers. Though I've only had to go through the experience twice, I've not had any bad experiences.

Its down to personal preference though at the end of the day and we all handle things differently so it's down to how you handle it best

[NickG130]

I could write a book on my experiences with this topic. It would be much easier if you had a specific person in mind.

I will tell you the most extreme time for me. I did not do it on purpose, so I am unsure whether I could replicate it with any sincerity. However, I fell in love with someone I was dating but never told. She had of course known some gay people, but had ZERO clue about what being trans was. We had been at it hot and heavy for a while and she wondered why I never let her give me any pleasure nor did I have sex with her. I just did things to her and I got down to boxers. Obviously I had to tell her at some point so I bit the bullet. I was so nervous bc I had zero idea how she was going to react. But I basically spent  2 hours telling her I had to tell her something about me that would probably change how she felt about me and that she would not love me anymore if she knew and so on. I was being sincere when I said all of this, and bumbling like an idiot. There was so much build up to what this horrible thing I had to tell her was- when I finally spit it out she was relieved. She was like Oh my God is that it? Who cares? Wow you had me thinking you were a child molester or something.

Now I do not recommend this approach necessarily but it worked out great in that situation.

I typically try to feel people out on at least the topic of anything LGBT related & gauge their reactions. I personally would not date anyone who was homophobic anyways so its doubly helpful to weed out those people. It is easy to get on the topic of politics to feel someone out.

I have also just spit it out over drinks. Women tend to take things a little bit more light hearted with a buzz.

I can go on and on about the hundred times I have had to tell someone. Most people will tell you the earlier the better. That is not my experience necessarily. For me it is nice for someone to know me a little before making judgments on me based on things they likely do not know much about. Plus I do not want to be seen as that "trans guy".. when someone gets to know me as Nick, the individual, then being trans is just something incidental about me.

If any woman ever gives you static- tell her the pros to your penis (no disease, pregnancy, stay hard as long as she wants, be as big as she wants, whatever size shape color). The one time a woman said to me "Why would someone want to date you and not just a normal man?" I spit out that unrehearsed speech and she changed her tune and propositioned me.

[Fred86]

I agree with a lot that has been said. In fact. a lot of what Nick has said is quite similar to my experience.

All I can give you to take with you is let them know you for who you are first, that would allow them to judge the situation in a balanced way. It's so much harder to let stereotypes cloud your judgement when you actually know and feel something for someone.

The first thing my partner said (and that is after knowing me for nearly three years) was that she loved me for being me and that that hasn't changed at all. About a week ago she even initiated a conversation about how some things make more sense now that she knows.

But since it seems you're not talking about someone specific and you're about to start changing, it may be a bit more complex to speak about in broad terms. I'm no expert but I'd say try to first be comfortable with yourself and then see how it feels when you meet someone.

[xKadaBear]

Personally I feel out the waters about their opinion on LGBT matters, like Nick does, and see how they react. But before any relationship starts, I come out and tell them that I'm trans. I haven't had a problem with it much, but then again those who I've been involved with have all been very open and a part of the LGBT community to begin with. I've heard some people say just to do it and get it done and over with, while others believe that as long as they're not in your pants, they have no right to know.

[Berserk]

Anyone I've dated or been intimate with since coming out as trans has known before hand since they are usually connected in some way to my general social circle (which is mainly queer/bi/gay/pansexual or trans) or knew me before I came out as trans. My girlfriend already knew I was trans before we started dating so it was really a non-issue as far as current relationship. Personally I've felt a lot more comfortable dating people who already know, that way it's not something I feel like I have to be anxious, insecure or guilty about or tiptoe around until they know.