In a previous post I mentioned considering taking estrogen hormones. While I definantly am thinking about (and would cry and become depressed if someone told me outright it would never happen) I have completely decided it on it, not by a long shot.
Like every other group I've ever considered myself a part of, I feel like a fake. Let me start by saying if you had asked me about being transgendered of Friday, I would have considered you crazy. You see it all began Saturday afternoon. I went on a sex chat room originally out of pure curiosity. I pretended to be a girl. And I found myself loving speaking to guys as a woman, especially sexually. I don't even find men attractive much, but I love the idea of having a man have sex with me vaginally and me making him ejuclate. Sorry for being a bit profane...
Anyways I decided I wanted to cam with guys in a sexual manner, and to be able to list my gender as female I would tell them I was a woman in a man's body. I really did not know about ->-bleeped-<- much. But upon some brief research, I was stunned.
I could become a woman. In my mind this had never even been an option. I thought the only male-to-female transition possible were vaginoplasty and breast implants, my image of that was very poor, I thought even if that happened I would still look like a man, and that it was astronomically expensive.
Then I saw something I found beautiful. I went on Youtube and saw people's transitition videos from male-to-female. Men who looked know more feminine than me, taking estrogen for a length of time and becoming beautiful women. I felt a strange feeling of hope and peacefullness inside of me.
I've always had extremely low self-confidence. I dropped out of high school and haven't been able to go back for my grade 12 yet because of huge amounts of stress I put on myself. I have been diagnosed with OCD which all stems for a hatred of who I am. I NEVER feel like I fit in, I always feel like I'm the odd man out.
Well I honestly started thinking of what if I had that done, and maybe later a vaginoplasty. It was on my mind all night, as I had a sleepless one. Thinking about if felt like ectasy to me. I felt like parts of my personality that I've always hid would be free to display. I imagined the things I wanted to do that I now could. I felt beautiful, which was shocking because I've always felt so ugly.
But I feel like a fake. Why? Well for two reasons:
1. I never felt like this before. Two full days ago I considered myself 100% male, a feminine guy but a guy none the less. This came so suddenly that it feels like I'm just looking for an escape from my misery, not that I'm actually transgendered.
2. I still don't feel quite like a woman. Obviously I've had so long identifying as male that it's not easy to break the society influences of my personality, but I still don't feel outright like a woman. I guess I'm almost feeling like maybe I just want to be transgender, that I really am a man on the inside to but just want to be a woman.
Help me please, I'm so overwhelmed. ->-bleeped-<- has brought a new sense of hope to my life, but I feel like it's fake and just wishful thinking of my part. I know I want to be female, but am I truly one on the inside? And how could I come to all this in about 40 hours (quite literally cause I've had very little sleep the last couple nights)?
