good ol life

[little bird]

mang, I do not know what to do!  I am 26 and I been having gender issues since about 6 years old.  I remember having them in the first grade.  I still been going about my day with these ever since, lol. When talking to people I always want them to see me as female.  I been feeling uncomfortable with my body lately.  My hair is thinning on top, (i have long hair to my shoulders) and my jaw feels really big lately, lol.  I feel female majority of my time, but sometimes I do feel male, and I am okay with feeling male when It happens. 

I have had 2 psychedelic experiences in my life while experimenting with friends and my spirit was female when under these chemicals too.  In my dreams I think I am male, but sometimes I do dream about buying clothes or finding a seceret stash of all these clothes that fit me  

I know this will most likely never go away, it is who I am   I am a 2 spirit.  But I don't know if I should be considering transitioning.  I do think about it, but at the same time I feel that I could probably make it through life without, even though aging as a man is starting to feel sort of gross/not me, lol.

ughhh.  Any personal experience advice?

Thank you sisters! 

[little bird]

Also to add, I do not wear male socks, I wear female patterned socks   I also been looking at female tank tops online that could wear in the summer that will still be looked at as maybe an edgy male.  I also am ordering a pair of slip on shoes that are womens but could be pulled off as edgy male, they are a darker purple. 

[Taka]

it's difficult to know whether or not transition is the right thing for you.
seeing a gender therapist might bring some clarity to your mind.
antiandrogens would stop male development. they can be tried without female hormones for a limited time to experience not being male, while not being female either, or to stop you from becoming even more of an old man before you can make up your mind on whether or not to transition. might be something to talk to a gender therapist about, full transition isn't the only possibility.

those are just some thoughts on where you could start though. it is also advisable to look around this site for other people's different experiences. many interesting threads to read about full, partial, or non-transition. even detransitioning happens, detransitioners' stories are also interesting to read.

[little bird]

Thank you Taka.  I have seen a gender therapist in the past but said I think I can keep going as male.  She wanted to keep seeing me but I never scheduled another appointment.  I ended up messaging her again later on in the year and she scheduled me with a different therapist.  I saw this therapist once and never scheduled another.  I was always comfortable in my body but now (about a year later after the therapist)  I am realizing how akward I am feeling.  I also feel like I am trying to be "male" when talking to people because they see me as that and it is getting really confusing.  I do talk fem sometimes and imagine myself as my female self and it feels really right.  I feel pretty, at peace, and wise.  When I am being a guy I feel loony, off, and out there.  I been feeling really funny being around older men because I do not feel like I should not be looking like them.  When I see older women and imagine myself as being that my heart sort of melts.

I will talk to the therapist again... This time I am going to stick with it even if I put up fences in denial.  I want to get over this hump because it's been with me for 22 years. 

Thanks again dear.

[Taka]

you could write down what you put in the above post, maybe even more thoughts about this, and give to your therapist. it can be hard to break down defenses that you've spent years on building up, but it might help a little if the therapist knows you want help to break them down so you can see what really is hiding inside. even if it's a therapist, it can still be scary to show hidden sides of yourself, particularly if it's the first person you try that with.