an introduction

[lalitrus]

Hello, I'm lalitrus, my boyfriend recently came out to me as a transwoman.
She's very nervous about who to be out with, and as a result, I don't know who to turn to in my life for support, so here I am, looking for it.

I'm very accepting of her overall, I've been an ally of trans people for years, and I definitely love her. But I have a lot of other emotions and issues of my own to juggle, and I had been relying on my love for support only to have this suddenly thrown on top of everything else.

So, let me just summarize what else is going on. I'm Bipolar, at the worst time of year for me emotionally speaking, when I tend to struggle with depression the most. My parents have been using me as the go between in a bitter and nasty divorce process for over a year. I've been struggling with carpal tunnel syndrome which has gotten severe enough to prevent me from completing schoolwork. I'm a college undergrad majoring in studio art focusing on sculpture and painting, neither of which I can adequately do without the use of my dominant hand. Additionally, I have a lot of anxiety about feeling inadequate or incapable of being succesful in school and life, which the carpal tunnel brought front and center in my mind. While all of this has been going on, I've found that very few people I considered friends actualky cared enough about me to be supportive or even hang out recently. So, I'm juggling a lot of emotions and situations right now.

And of course it just had to be now, when I most needed my love and home with my boyfriend to be a stable refuge from everything else, she comes out. I really truly love her and support her need to be out with me, but the timing is overwhelmingly terrible. I don't want to be angry at my love, but I can't help resenting her for not waiting a little longer, but also feeling guilty as hell for feeling that at all.

So, I really don't know where to turn to for support other than online, so here I am.

[Jessica Merriman]

A big warm welcome Lalitrus! Your reaction of confusion is very normal so relax and know our Significant Other board has several SOs dealing with the same issue you are. I admire the support you are showing her and anything we can do or questions you have we will all do our best to help with. In a way you are going through a transition as well and you now have access to the support we offer. We all care and want to help and make you feel as good as you can in dealing with this. Feel free to rant, vent, share good news or learn all about gender Dysphoria and why people feel the overwhelming desire to transition. Know that you are not alone right now. Here is a BIG HUG  to welcome you and thank you for your understanding and support of your SO! After 15 postings feel free to use the PM function to directly contact anyone here for help or just to talk about your feelings. Together we will get you through this chapter of your life with understanding and support.


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[lalitrus]

Thank you! Just knowing there's support to be had helps a lot 

[Sayra]

Heya Lalitrus! I very, very much understand where you're coming from. My husband came out to me the week of midterms. We've been married 10 years (this September) and have 3 little ones. He's been my best friend through post partum, and all the changes that go along with being a mom. When he came out to me, I'll admit, my very first thought was, "Right now, you tell me this? I have midterms!"

Here's the thing, I can't really say that there ever would have been a perfect time.

I too have been accepting of the change to our lives (minus those days I'm steaming because he's doing something that is selfishly intruding on me. Which often coincides with my monthly...). But there are so many thoughts, scenarios that could happen! These what ifs weigh heavily on my mind on those rough days.

My husband suggested that I come here to find support because we decided that it isn't going to be common knowledge and thus none of my own friends know. I had no one else to turn to. I really only have a few friends that I care enough to have asked for support from, but I can't ask them now for that support.

Tangentially, I'll say this: as I have aged, I have learned that you really only need one other person to be close to, other than the love of your life because this person will be who you will complain about the love of your life to and likely, vice versa. (*Very tongue in cheek here!) In today's mad world of social media, thw definition of friend isn't quite what it used to be.

There are a couple online groups that I've joined but this seems to be the most reasonably stable one. I joined an email group but they have had some very extreme scenarios happening and I just can't relate. I'm glad you found your way here. If you need an objective ear or someone to comiserate with, just give me a shout!

Good luck to you on many fronts and a cyber hug from someone standing at a similar junction on the path.

[lalitrus]

Thanks so much Sayra! Just feeling like I'm not alone in this takes a lot of the anxiety away.

And you're right that there never is an ideal time. Sometimes I feel like life is a constant rollercoaster for me, before I've recovered from one twist or turn, I'm already into another. I'm sure my situation has put a lot of stress on my love too.

[sad panda]

Heya lalitrus and welcome c:

I am not an SO, I'm MTF (and maybe back to M lol, idk yet) but ...

This is a great place to get support. Even if just to vent.

It sounds to me like you are doing everything you can to support her despite how hard it is for you right now. You should give yourself credit for that. Bipolar is way not an easy issue to deal with on its own besides the other problems you are having... I know how awful it feels to worry about your ability to do stuff in school and life. i don't have carpal tunnel, but it's a similar thing. I have an essential tremor that is bad enough normally but aggravated a lot by anxiety ;w; and with how anxiety works of course that means it gets aggravated when I need to be able to do stuff most.

So please don't be hard on yourself. You need and deserve the support of your partner even right now, just like you are supporting her.

I know that a lot of times when I end up not telling my boyfriend about things I ams truggling with bc he is stressed, he actually wishes i had told him in the end.

Maybe you could express some of what you are feeling to your partner? What do you think?

But again if not, then I really hope you can find some of that support here.

[lalitrus]

Thanks, Sad Panda

We have talked about this, and she does know everything else I'm dealing with, becuase I generally rely upon her a lot to help with my mental health and dealing with well.... Everything. I just Don't want to keep telling her how coming out was bad timing for me, because that only makes us both feel bad. She feels guilty for making me stressed, and then I feel guilty for making her feel bad when she most needs me to be understanding. It's just not a good thing to remind ourselves of, so I'd rather talk about it here than keep reminding her.

[sad panda]

Thanks, Sad Panda

We have talked about this, and she does know everything else I'm dealing with, becuase I generally rely upon her a lot to help with my mental health and dealing with well.... Everything. I just Don't want to keep telling her how coming out was bad timing for me, because that only makes us both feel bad. She feels guilty for making me stressed, and then I feel guilty for making her feel bad when she most needs me to be understanding. It's just not a good thing to remind ourselves of, so I'd rather talk about it here than keep reminding her.

Oh okay, that makes sense. BTW, I didn't mean to say you should tell her that it was bad timing, just to make sure you're not avoiding talking about things you are struggling with because she just came out. Especially in difficult times like this, communication is just so so important. It also sounds fair that you couldn't help being a little frustrated about the timing though. I think that's healthy and it's just a feeling, it doesn't make you a bad person or anything. That is a really huge change all of a sudden, and it sounds like it must be a lot to bear, even if it were a better time.

[Crackpot]

Welcome to the board. My wife is also MTF. She told me she needed to transition a week before we signed the papers for our first home, and while I was battling depression from a terrible semester at school and having to live with my mother between buying said house and the end of the lease from out apartment. It was a terrible time, but at the same time would have never really been a great time. The best advice I can give is to be open with each other. You need your support just as your partner needs it during this time. Open lines of communication will be your best bet to ensure both your needs are being met. Best of luck to you both!