Is there any hope anymore? When to run away?

[Genzen]

Anyone that has followed me on here at all may remember how much pain and difficulty I've been having relating to coming to terms with my gender identity and coming out to my wife and kids. The feelings in this post https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,151360.msg1263467.html have been persistent since I posted it. On a barely positive note, we are still physically in the same house. It seems she has tried to deal with the grief and come to some form of acceptance, however in the end I still can't even shave my facial hair without her getting upset. We have tried couples therapy yet she has decided to stop going because she didn't like what the therapist had to say.

It has been 6 months since I came out to her and things don't really seem any better. It's to the point where she wants to move out and give our beautiful 3 month old little girl up for adoption. All of her friends tell her she should leave me. They have been pretty vocal about their opinions. My parents have tried to be supportive and I know they love me, but when they see the emotional trauma going on in my home they lean more towards a neutral stance. It feels like my 14 year old son doesn't really like me much anymore and has Hitler tendencies and is generally a bigot (not even sure how he got that way, but he scares me with some of his viewpoints). My 13 year old son loves me and would rather I don't change, but if he knew all of my truth (beyond gender) would probably hate me too. My 5 year old son doesn't know yet, but his mom would love to see me out of the picture anyways as she hates me and doesn't seem to value me as a parent. I've also experienced some trans hate already when trying to try on clothes at Target and when inquiring about wigs at a wig shop. In the end I feel like I'm in a vat of poison. Gender Dysphoria has wreaked havoc in my life. My lack of acknowledgement when I was young caused me to disregard my feelings as just another sexual perversion. I've gone on to destroy three serious relationships out of which at least one child per relationship has been born. I look in the mirror and feel evil. I hate my soul and my existence feels like a burden for this world. But I don't feel that I should have to hold my feelings in contempt anymore as that is also very damaging to me.

I don't feel emotionally safe in my own home anymore. I don't have any friends either. I've considered leaving everyone behind to move to a trans friendly place and just try to stay away from others that could be harmed by me or could harm me. I would lead a generally solitary life going forward. Does this make any sense? Have others had to do this to survive? Has it helped? When does one throw in the towel with regards to our pre-transition life? Even the thought of not transitioning and staying with my family  doesn't make much sense to me as I'm starting to feel unloved by most of the people in my life. If I were to not transition I'm not sure I want to physically be around them anymore. I don't feel loved.

[Jessica Merriman]

Hi Genzen! Sounds like your event horizon is very near. I can only tell you I have been there. I know that doesn't help, but I hope you don't feel so alone with your thoughts. I lost a 16 year marriage and a 16 year old daughter. My son who is 15 decided to stay with me and has accepted my situation very well. I live in a very small town where everyone knows each others business and rumors spread like crooked politicians. I have contemplated a move as well, but not because of pressure or threats. I am getting tired of being reminded driving and walking through town of my past as well. Before transition I was moody, depressed, angry, irritable, looking for a fight, no friends and very little family contact. Because of that I am not very welcome most places. Now I want to relocate for a fresh new start as the real me and make newer happier memories. To me it sounds like what you want to do as well. There is nothing wrong with that at all. It is hard to walk away from our kids and the familiar, but it takes that sometimes to be able to live. I love my daughter very much, but she is the one who chose to leave and now she is an adult and no longer requires my care. I wish her a happy life, but I no longer accountable to her or anyone else except my son and that is only for a couple of more years until he is in college. I lived my life for everyone else and did a lot of good, but it is time for me and I think it is time for you as well. I will say HRT has made life much more tolerable in terms of emotional stability and by killing the depression I once had all of the time. This is only my personal experience so take from it whatever helps you if anything.

[Jamie D]

Genzen.  I get it.  I have four kids.  I have a wife.  30 years married.  I'm trans.

There is no place to run to.  There are no trans-friendly places.  Some will be more tolerant, but embrace us with open arms?  No way.

My best suggestion is that you try to reach an accommodation with your wife and kids.  Give them time to get used to you.  Stay loving.  Stay caring.  Show them that you are willing to work something out.

I am afraid that is the price for having played the role of male, husband, and father for too long and too well.  It does not mean you have to give up on yourself.  It just means that things are going to be a little slower.

Best of luck to you.

[vlmitchell]

<tough love auntie Tori time>
Hmmmm....

Well, this all depends on how able to be a parent you feel like you have the ability to be at the moment.

Frankly, you seem a mess. I know that's harsh but really, you do. It may be for the best if you get out of the toxic situation that you're in, get a LOT of therapy (feeling yourself as evil = no bueno), and do what you can to support your kids while going through your stuff. If your wife is really against you transitioning and you feel with 100% certainty that you need to, there's no bridge across that gap. It's over. You're just delaying the inevitable. I leave it up to you to decide whether it is or not.

If you have no friends and no support network (you probably do but I know what you're feeling), transition is a horrible, painful experience that doesn't really leave you in a much better place than you were in before BUT if your current environment is openly hostile to you, it might be the lesser of two evils.

*siiighs*

You really, really, really need to get your therapy though. This isn't about them. It's about you. If you're this unhappy, the people you surround yourself with aren't the right kinds of people. If that means that your family aren't the right kinds of people, well, that is what it is (I noticed that you didn't say that you'd come out to them). We all lose people when we transition, even the best-case scenarios.

For the short term: clean yourself up thoroughly. If you know without a doubt that you'll want to transition, might I recommend doing a nice bath, shaving/nair-ing (they make the 'for men' stuff that can take off your hair), get a haircut that you like (talk to your stylist or get a gay one, tell them what's up, and let them start shaping your hair to what you want), shave off the facial hair (if your partner is so far gone that she can't take even that, it's over anyway), and start getting yourself feeling better about yourself.

After that, EXERCISE!!! A LOT!!! EVERY DAY!!! (endorphins are your friend)

No crappy food, drink lots of water, sleep your 8-hours.

Take care of YOU!!! You have to feel like you love yourself before you can be open to receiving real love from others.

You're in a crappy place. It sucks. It's totally up to you to get out of it. We'll be here for the cheerleading but you've gotta make some positive changes in your life before starting down transition road anyway or you won't make it out the other side.

[vlmitchell]

There is no place to run to.  There are no trans-friendly places.  Some will be more tolerant, but embrace us with open arms?  No way.

This, I'll actually disagree with. Atlanta, New York, and San Francisco are awesome for trans peeps. I'm in Atlanta (bright blue speck in a sea of unwashed red) and I've never had a bad day.

[Genzen]

Thank you Jessica, its nice to know that there are some that wouldnt judge me if it comes down to it. This is a decision that I dont take lightly, and frankly it scares the ->-bleeped-<- out of me. But I'm willing to bet it could heal me more than anything else.

[DrBobbi]

Listen to Jamie D. The kids come first, you and your wife a distant third. As for the "Friends?" Noise. Therapy, patience, and giving them their space is best. As for Target...well serves you right for shopping there. Need to move to Beverly Hills where they'll think you're just another rock star.

[Jessica Merriman]

Thank you Jessica, its nice to know that there are some that wouldnt judge me if it comes down to it. This is a decision that I dont take lightly, and frankly it scares the ->-bleeped-<- out of me. But I'm willing to bet it could heal me more than anything else.

You're welcome Genzen. I approached my decision to leave just as I did triage in the medical world. I evaluated who would die and live when faced with multiple casualties based on facts of Biology and fought as hard as I could. I used the same philosophy when it came to my decision of myself over family. It was very hard, but I would have died staying in the Dysphoric haze I was in. I hope you find the peace and acceptance you need just as I did. I will be thinking about you. If it helps most of my family has started to reconnect with me slowly and decide it was better when I was in their lives verses not.

[Chloevixen]

I am terribly sorry for what your having to go through.  Sadly I have no experience in what your trying to handle, only get in therapy quick.  I was planning on biting the cherry flavored bullet before I broke and got help.  It was not easy, I went for three months before I could open up to my doc.  He was amazingly helpful and completely not what I expected.  I had been planning on the worst case.
Far as the family goes, I agree with the above your marriage sounds like it may be over.  It happens, your kids sound like they may need time.  Even if they hate you now they will oneday regret loosing the time they had with you.

Ohh and I live in Atlanta.  It is fairly trans friendly, there are the bad neighborhoods, and the wonderful ones.  I had a run in with the police a few weekends ago (nothing bad Jaywalking)  They looked at my ID, and said have a good day ma'am.

[JulieBlair]

Listen to Tori, get some help. Counseling, diet, and exercise have kept me sane when sanity was hanging by a thread.
Seattle, Portland, San Francisco are all welcoming places.  If you get to Seattle, I'll buy you a coffee.

Peace,
j

[Rachel]

Genzen, therapy is very important as well as what was mentioned about nutrition and exercise.

What do you feel would make life better for you? Do not overanalyze the question and list the positives and negative for each person in your life, just you.

Can you support yourself and them from a different location?

Now what would make life better for "them"? Keep in mind GD may get worse and you can not take back what has been said to "them".

I also agree with trying to keep the family together and go slow; however, you may need something else.

[Just Ole Me]

Hi Genzen! Sounds like your event horizon is very near. I can only tell you I have been there. I know that doesn't help, but I hope you don't feel so alone with your thoughts. I lost a 16 year marriage and a 16 year old daughter. My son who is 15 decided to stay with me and has accepted my situation very well. I live in a very small town where everyone knows each others business and rumors spread like crooked politicians. I have contemplated a move as well, but not because of pressure or threats. I am getting tired of being reminded driving and walking through town of my past as well. Before transition I was moody, depressed, angry, irritable, looking for a fight, no friends and very little family contact. Because of that I am not very welcome most places. Now I want to relocate for a fresh new start as the real me and make newer happier memories. To me it sounds like what you want to do as well. There is nothing wrong with that at all. It is hard to walk away from our kids and the familiar, but it takes that sometimes to be able to live. I love my daughter very much, but she is the one who chose to leave and now she is an adult and no longer requires my care. I wish her a happy life, but I no longer accountable to her or anyone else except my son and that is only for a couple of more years until he is in college. I lived my life for everyone else and did a lot of good, but it is time for me and I think it is time for you as well. I will say HRT has made life much more tolerable in terms of emotional stability and by killing the depression I once had all of the time. This is only my personal experience so take from it whatever helps you if anything.

There is some hope. My wife and I were close to where you two are at. I didn't have much hope. But we loved each other and keep trying. Here it is a year later and we are closer than ever, I'm on HRT and wife is ok with us being two women together just so long as it don't have bottom surgery. So let's me be me and it finally is ok for her and she realizes she is happier with me this way then she would be with a MAN. So there is hope in the darkness.

Hugs

Kay