So this morning I did my third testosterone injection. I'm feeling good about myself for the most part but there are still a few things weighing on my mind that I just kind of need to get off my chest.
First thing's first. I hate my voice. I know if I'm patient, and take my injections as prescribed, it will change and I will finally stop sounding like a grade 7 girl. But it kills me every time someone looks me dead in the face and smiles and calls me "ma'am" or "young lady" hearing those words literally makes me sick to my stomach sometimes. I do my best to be resilient and laugh it off, but I know that I'm not convincing. I feel like a boy, but they don't see a boy. Little kids that don't know any better seem to be the only ones who see me for what I am on the inside. and that makes me sad. I know it shouldn't matter to me what anyone else thinks, but it just kind of stings when someone points it out like that.
The second thing is my name. Akira. Japanese for brilliance, brightness or clarity. I have loved that name since before I knew what it meant. Since I was a little kid, pretending to be a Samurai in my back yard, I was always Akira. But for the last few months or so, I have been feeling more and more like I am nameless. that I am just me. I have been so many people throughout my life, and those past. and I almost feel like I am content without a name. Like all of those people, all of those names and different versions of the person that was to become me, they were all just failed experiments. I learned from them nonetheless. Names have a very strong effect on those who carry them. The names I have had in the past all hold a sort of sadness. Even Akira has a faint pang of longing and regret at my lack of bravery in my youth. Akira feels now more like who I would have been, and not who I am becoming.
I am evolving every day. My mind is clearing, ever so slowly, of the residual loathing and distaste for myself. My brain, my soul, my heart, they are evolving just as my body is. I am becoming something better, someone better. So I want the name I choose to be something that matches the me I will become.
As for the practicality of this situation, Akira is seen as a female name in the United States and so people continuously treat me as if I'm a woman. I feel like at least for the time being, I should pick something German or English that others will recognize as a masculine name to avoid embarrassment. (my home state is very right wing and anti-lgbt)
The third thing is a little personal... I know this is a normal thing for cis guys but like... I am NOT used to having proverbial boners like 24/7. Never in my life have I thought about fornicating this much on a daily basis. It's not like I'm completely opposed to it, but my girlfriend is kinda pants happy and I just can't handle having sex like 7 times a day. And not to mention I'm still really dysphoric and can barely take a shower without my binder.. any other guys have this issue? I feel like the only one who doesn't really wanna have sex. I'm gonna wrap this up cause I'm rambling.
Ugh, thanks for reading my rant if you did <3
Nameless as of now.
