Hi all
, I've been dealing with something over the last two weeks and I wasn't sure where else to turn, so since every MTF search query ended here, I thought I would open up to all you lovely people and get your opinion on my situation. I'm 26, just graduated from University, and currently unemployed (looking for work though
) and a series of events led me to a book on gender (The Social Justice Advocate's Guide to Gender) which has thrown my world upside down.
You've probably heard this before, since it sounds cliché even as I type it, but I've known there was something – different – about me since I was young. I was fascinated with women, which I retrospectively justified as an early sex drive, and would spend hours looking through my mother's Cosmopolitan magazines and just... getting lost in the beauty. I would draw women in these overtly feminine dresses and feel proud of myself, but as I got older, I felt ashamed of my adoration of women and reduced women to sexual desire (along with my male friends, as I was emulating their male behavior to fit it). The older I got, the more I made a conscious effort to fit closer to my gender role, however (although now I understand) this led to depression even at a young age. I put on a bunch of weight, and become withdrawn and isolated, choosing to get lost in books in the library over playing sports of socializing. That sounds bad, but I did have select friends, and as I became an older teenage I used my 'somewhat' sensitive approach to 'pick up' a few girls here and there. I never felt comfortable in a relationship personally, I always felt out of place in my role. Even the books I read, I always chose books with female characters, and as a gamer growing up, I even preferred games with female heroes. But I didn't realize why until recently.
Aright, here goes, 26 years of repression being thrown off (I'm kind of emotional right now). The truth is, deep down, I've always known I was a woman. Always. I never consciously made myself aware of it, and when I did, I laughed at it because 'I don't find men attractive', thus, not a woman, right?
It took the book on gender to stripe away my religious upbringing's notion of sexual orientation not equalling gender. It sounds naive to even say it, and maybe I didn't WANT to see it, but me not being 'gay' convinced me that I was a 'man', just not a very good man (beta male, whatever).
But since realizing that my gender identiy has nothing to do with my sexual orientation, a flood gate has been opened in my head. My mind is going into overload, and it's all led to this post. My feminine side has been crying out since I was young for relief, and I reacted by striving always to be MORE masculine. If I bulk up, grow a beard, lower my voice, I'll fit in, right? Hah! So that's what I did. I assumed that me disliking 'male centered' activities was just me being eccentric, since I managed to hold onto some good, sensitive male, type friends who seem to identify just fine as males, as well as a few girlfriends who see me as a big brother of sorts.
And this 'manly' act worked very well. In fact, whereas I think I have a somewhat feminine expression, I've asked friends in the past and they always laughed at me, describing me as 'very masculine'. I never knew why I found their answers disappointing until recently
This itself made me feel a little better, as I was 'passing' for male, but I still knew there were issues. Before the book, I assumed my body image issues came from being overweight, and I didn't know why I was opposed to losing the weight (I think it made me look softer/more feminine subconsciously) but at the age of 25 with 6 years being single (I've been with women here and there, but I always feel uncomfortable and break it off, and I've never climaxed because of my own discomfort in the situation) I decided to just lose the weight. I thought that it would 'cure me', so I found it in myself and started, and lost around 70 pounds over the last six months. To my horror, I like myself less and less in the mirror, and although people are constantly remarking on how good I look, I feel 'wrong'.
So once I finally acknowledged in my head that I was a woman, plain and simple, suddenly it all clicked. But now, 26 years of utter confusion has turned into absolute terror. My first thought was 'well, too bad I'm stuck as a male', but that didn't help at all. Then I started fantasizing about being reborn a female and how my family would be with me, and how I'd act, etc. The fantasy made me feel good, but it didn't solve anything either. But the only other option is to... what... dress in drag? That was how I was thinking before I started doing research, and the effects of the hormones coupled with the dedication to transition has astounded me. You're all such beautiful women, and I am terrified because right now all I can think about is needing to transition, but I don't think I'll pass by a long shot.
It terrifies me. I look like a man, and although I have somewhat soft features, and a somewhat higher voice, there are other features that just scream at me in the mirror and all I keep thinking is... I don't want to be stuck in transition for the rest of my life. I don't want to be disappointed and realize that's it, that's the best I can do with my body. I have a slightly receding hairline, though I'm going to grow it out the way I had it throughout middle school and high school (yeah, shocker). I'm European descent, so I am literally covered in hair, I have huge bushy eyebrows and knuckle hair, and toe hair, and UGH. I'm just so torn, do I just accept that I'm stuck as a male? Or do I try with such a large possibility of not passing? And the idea of coming out to people is destroying me, but at the same time, all I can think about is all the good results I've seen of the hormones and the other changes and it gives me a glimmer of hope.
Was it like this for you? I know that a lot of people just 'know' from very young and move forward with it. If I had been true to myself when I was younger, I think this would be (marginally) easier, but I feel like I'm getting older and I'm so manly now. I also think about the strength it must take to make the decision to go for transition, and I just don't know if I can do it, I don't know if I have that strength. That power to just be 'okay' with people dismissing you or ridiculing you. I've lived my whole life self-conscious (which I realize now was because I never felt I fitted in) and to escalate that by going on hormones and telling people that I'm 'trans*' is so frightening a concept. I don't want to be stuck in the middle of two genders, I just want to be a woman.
I know you can't tell me what to do, but I'd like to know if my story sounds remotely similar to other experiences on here. You all seem so sure, and I just feel even more lost now that I know what is 'wrong' with me. Those years of depression and self-hatred. Since realizing all this, I haven't even been able to masturbate (which I know,
big deal) because I can't stand myself being male. It's building up but I don't know what to do about it. Will it just take time to readjust to the knowledge that I'm stuck, or is this is, is it transition or bust? I don't know if I can live with this.
Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
I'm sorry to ramble on, I just really needed to vent. Obviously I've told no one, though I have been (I feel a little ashamed to say, but less so than I ever would have in the past) been playing with my voice and walking in a more feminine way when people aren't around, and it feels so good. I also put on some lipstick before jumping in the shower, but ugh, I'm in a man's body and it doesn't feel right ether.
Confused and terrified,
Nat
