What was/is it like for you, pre everything?

[Izla]

So I'm just going to start writing, I don't know where it's going to go but if you have the patience to read then thanks.

Each second of my life seems to be getting eaten up by the constant tug-of-war "will you? won't you? are you? aren't you?" thing lately regarding coming out and being trans. I can't focus in conversations with people at university, my mum already thinks I'm gay, and my family ask me "What's wrong?" frequently every day, so it's clearly showing on the outside.

I've put a lot of hours in here reading now and I'm even more unsure than ever. There are some real extreme experiences of people attempting suicide because of the dysphoria, yet I don't think I'm suicidal or would ever try - so, maybe my dysphoria isn't strong or I'm not trans? Yet reading the "non transitioning and detransitioning" forum just makes me feel anxious, you know that feeling you get when you were looking forward to something and got told like 5 minutes before it was cancelled? That's pretty much what I feel when I think of trying the non transition route. Like it could be a real big mistake with a whole lot of disappointment in store. I've tried to move on from this twice before, so why would it work this time?

Yet transitioning has me all worried too. Ability to pass (physically and voice wise) is obviously the main one, along with rejection from family, getting laughed at, the hurdles UK trans people face with the NHS. Yet the matter of infertility is getting to me too - I know HRT makes you sterile, and that's making me think "If you're purposely sterilising yourself, aren't you denying the chance at life for any future children you may have?" I know, it's a warped way of thinking, but it makes me feel so bad/selfish for even thinking of it. I pretty much resent that you have to  choose between what could be your future happiness and your future  children.

So yeah, it's some weird battle between not feeling trans enough and then "Well why does non-transition just feel so wrong?" Pretty much sucks, yet I don't want/can't really get to a therapist right now because well, it just feels like once  you're out of that closet there's nowhere to run for cover, and sometimes I just want to hide.

Please tell me someone can relate to all this weird stuff? How do you finally get the courage to face this thing when you just feel like you're not ready now but when are you ever going to be?

[Ms Grace]

Seeing a therapist doesn't mean it's then mandatory for you to transition. You have a lot going on in your mind and feelings and it sounds like it would be better to get them sorted as soon as possible. A gender therapist is preferable or at least someone who understands the issues. They won't have you signed up for hormone therapy after the first session and outing yourself to everyone you know if that's what you're concerned about. That may not be what you need anyway but a talk with someone who can help will be a good start to working out what you do need.

[Bombadil]

I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling. I told my therapist I'm in this cycle of wanting to hurry up and then wanting to slow down. If I don't transition I don't think it will make me suicidal but it would feel like something is being taken away from me. And I think maybe I'm not really trans but then then I remember what I was like as a little kid.

My brain has been just so busy with these thoughts just lately. My therapist definitely helped me get things sorted a bit. I think it's one of those things you just have to sort one thing at a time.

[Jason C]

Firstly, dysphoria is different for everyone, and just because you're not at the extreme, doesn't mean you're not trans. Before I realised I was trans, I don't think I had dysphoria; not sure if it counts or not, but if it counts as dysphoria, it was extremely mild. Since realising I'm trans, it's gotten quite a lot worse, but still very mild compared to a lot of people. Your feelings are valid, they're not there to be compared to other people's, they're there as they are and they matter.

As for transitioning, yeah it can be very hard, but it's a choice between whether you'd be happier living as you are, or happier transitioning. I think no matter the difficulties we may face, what will make us happier is the best choice. But that's just me. I'd recommend seeing a GP and asking to be referred to a therapist who specialises in gender stuff. I'm not sure if that's exactly how you go about it, but I think it is. And then you can talk about it with the therapist, and they can help you make sense of your feelings and perhaps give you a sense of direction or help you figure out what you want to do.

Regarding being sterile, I think you can freeze your sperm/eggs before starting HRT, so you can have kids in the future if you decide to.

[MbutF]

As a pre everything... I tell you I'm scared and confused too.

transitioning has me all worried too. Ability to pass (physically and voice wise) is obviously the main one, along with rejection from family, getting laughed at

Yes, I feel the same way 

I have this urge to come out, every single day, but I don't, I know it'd seriously affect my relationships, I'm very afraid of that. I don't want to be laughed at either, I don't want my family to become a laughing stock to people around them.

What I'm doing right now, is that I'm slowly breaking up all ties I have with most people, so they stop caring about me or they don't have me in their thoughts as strongly anymore. I think it'd make it easier for me, because I value relationships too much.

This might seem strange, but I don't want acceptance from the people currently around me, I want new people, go to a completely new place, and that way, they wouldn't know too much about my past.

There's a part of my head that tries to me tell me, "It's nothing", "if you just concentrate on being a guy, it'll go away". It hasn't gone away! I tried. I've had dysphoria every single day for the past 10 years or so (when I started understanding it at 13), It only gets stronger, the more I learn about myself.

I KNOW I want to 'change', (i've just considered taking really small baby steps) but I don't really know how much? A little? everything? What if I change a few things about me... and then... I find happiness That could also happen, I guess? I'm still understanding myself. I want to take it slow.

Bottom line is.... I'm not happy with the way I am right now.

hope it helps , Izla

[xponentialshift]

Well to start with your last question... Where do I get the courage to face this... I guess I was lucky that I knew my family would be accepting which helped... Beyond that I just took the attitude that it will be an exciting new path to go down, granted there will be tough times, but what life path can really guarantee no tough times...
Each step I get closer to transitioning I get more excited!

Yes I do have some similar thoughts and experiences to you. I do have that constant fear in my head that I might not be trans* despite all the evidence that I am. That is actually the main reason I set up my first therapy appointment... To have an experienced professional hear my story and help me to confirm that I am transgender so I can begin the long transitioning process.

I think once I overcome that hurdle it will be relatively smooth sailing personally... Just the typical financial, insurance, legal, medical, etc bumps in the road.

I wish you a great beginning to your journey and I am excited to see how my first steps turn out... Less than two weeks till first therapy!!

[Izla]

Thanks so much for the replies

@Ms Grace
I think the fear first is coming out to myself, and going so far as to seek therapy is like an admission that this is something serious and a coming out to myself, so maybe that's it. Honestly, despite my big desire to have a resolution to this I think I'm just looking for an excuse to hide behind and do nothing. Weirdly, if I was told I'd never be put on HRT I would honestly be devastated, yet if I was told I'm going to be put on HRT I would be terrified.

@tomboy
Did your therapist help a lot in getting your thoughts in order? It would be nice to have someone to talk to about it face-to-face but I don't really like explaining my whole life history and being in the spotlight etc. I guess I'll just have to hope that I'm assigned a nice therapist since the NHS controls it.

@Jason C
Thanks for sharing, it sounds like our dysphoria is quite similar. By most accounts it seems like it only gets worse and it's rapidly getting worse for me. You're definitely right though, it's there and it's not to be contrasted to other people's. I just need to let that sink in for a while.

@MbutF
Your post really did help. I share the desire to start completely new where people wouldn't know the old me, I'd wish for that more than anything else really. I've been there with you on the "be a man!" stuff too and well, that period is just horrible so I don't want to do it again.

@xponentialshift
Did it feel like your courage built up over the time in therapy? Every single thing in my mind that points to me being trans is always countered by "yeah, but.." moments so that doesn't help. I want to be excited about it like you, and I think I would be if I had everything solidly in place (therapy, HRT, hair removal etc.) but it's just that first leap out - not really sure about how my family would react, it's kind of a mixed bag between people who would be accepting and people who .. would not so much. So I'm not really looking forward to being the cause of a divide.

Thanks again for the replies, it is helping me get some things in order.

[xponentialshift]

@xponentialshift
Did it feel like your courage built up over the time in therapy? Every single thing in my mind that points to me being trans is always countered by "yeah, but.." moments so that doesn't help. I want to be excited about it like you, and I think I would be if I had everything solidly in place (therapy, HRT, hair removal etc.) but it's just that first leap out - not really sure about how my family would react, it's kind of a mixed bag between people who would be accepting and people who .. would not so much. So I'm not really looking forward to being the cause of a divide. .

I haven't started therapy yet... The only steps I've made are setting up my fist therapy session (11 days from now) and setting up a GP appointment with a trans* specialist for the week after that and coming out to a few close friends and family...
Each time I did one of those things (after the initial "yeah...but" moments it was really exciting.)
Hopefully you will have the same experience once you start to do things towards transition!

[suzifrommd]

Please tell me someone can relate to all this weird stuff? How do you finally get the courage to face this thing when you just feel like you're not ready now but when are you ever going to be?

I took small steps, going out in a safe place, then going out in public, then going to social situations where people didn't know me and introducing myself as the female me.

By that time, I had begun to realize how natural being a female felt and how drab and inauthentic being a male felt in comparison.

There was no way I was going to stay where I was.

[Rachel]

Izla hugs,

A gender therapist can help you sort out the confusion, sperm banking, HRT and expressing.

For me it was like I had multiple personalities ( like, I do not have multiple personalities). The male person said really mean can cruel things to the female person for being herself. There was WWIII doing off in my head. This got to the point I could not take it anymore. I finally ended the battle.

There are two things told to me that are profound, to me, yet so simple:
1) Gender is something you should not have to compromise,
2) Take on today, not yesterday and not tomorrow.

When I approached HRT I was very apprehensive. 10 months later I know I am doing the right thing.

Lastly, vocal fold surgery can correct your voice.

[Izla]

@xponentialshift
I hope your first session goes really well, good luck! If you remember/have time I would love it if you could share how it was. Thanks!

@suzifrommd
I completely understand the being male feeling unauthentic. Those small steps just seem like huge giant leaps right now, but feels like I won't get any peace until I do.

@Cynthia Michelle
Thanks, I needed this post. I wasn't really aware you could get surgery concerning your voice until recently, though FFS was the first thing on my list. I totally get the multiple personality thing, it's not 2 different people at all, it's just 2 different sides. I guess I'm more caught up on asking "Why is  this war happening in the first place?" rather than focusing on ending it.  I can't do the "be a man" thing again, just no.  I feel 99% right now that transition would not be something I regret, it's just ... scary as hell. But I really, really don't want this confusion to carry on into my mid, late 20s. I don't want to have to live with the fear that this might return or get worse AGAIN as I get older. I want a life.

[Jen♀]

I can relate to a LOT of what you've said here.

Each second of my life seems to be getting eaten up by the constant tug-of-war "will you? won't you? are you? aren't you?" thing lately regarding coming out and being trans. I can't focus in conversations with people at university, my mum already thinks I'm gay, and my family ask me "What's wrong?" frequently every day, so it's clearly showing on the outside.

I too feel that back and forth "what am I going to do I need to know now erghhhh!!" feeling. And you've said that you can't focus on conversations with colleagues and friends and such. I started coming out about a year ago, but as of now only two of my friends know. They are my closest friends, and even though I am not out to everyone, talking to them has become SUCH a relief. And I don't even mean "talking to them about my trans* feelings" I literally mean "talking to them" because I know that they know who I am. Even if I've got unshaven hairs on my face, I feel immense comfort in that they know I am a girl. If there are people you think could accept you and keep your "secret" while it is a secret, perhaps telling them might come as a relief. For me, it also helped me to accept and understand myself.

I've put a lot of hours in here reading now and I'm even more unsure than ever. There are some real extreme experiences of people attempting suicide because of the dysphoria, yet I don't think I'm suicidal or would ever try - so, maybe my dysphoria isn't strong or I'm not trans? Yet reading the "non transitioning and detransitioning" forum just makes me feel anxious, you know that feeling you get when you were looking forward to something and got told like 5 minutes before it was cancelled? That's pretty much what I feel when I think of trying the non transition route.

Again, you've hit the nail right on the head. It's when I think, seriously think, about not transitioning that I realize "Yeah, I can't do that. I need to transition." If I think short sighted, it can sometimes be "Meh, I can deal with this body and this life", but in the back of my mind I feel like it's just a matter of time. This is not to suggest that transitioning is for you: as others have said, you should definitely seek professional counsel. But I think that with time, that anxiety you feel will become more understood. Perhaps one day it will turn into "Okay, I definitely need to do this", or perhaps not. I can't tell you: and to be honest, I hated when people would tell me that when I first posted here. But it's the truth, and if other people could tell you who you are and aren't, well, that would be just plain boring!

Yet transitioning has me all worried too. Ability to pass (physically and voice wise) is obviously the main one, along with rejection from family, getting laughed at, the hurdles UK trans people face with the NHS. Yet the matter of infertility is getting to me too - I know HRT makes you sterile, and that's making me think "If you're purposely sterilising yourself, aren't you denying the chance at life for any future children you may have?" I know, it's a warped way of thinking, but it makes me feel so bad/selfish for even thinking of it. I pretty much resent that you have to  choose between what could be your future happiness and your future  children.

Okay so, a couple of things: first, for me, part of my acceptance of myself has been to understand that I am not a set of gender stereotypes. I love wearing tuxedos as much as I would love to wear dresses. I'm sexually, sensually, and mentally attracted to women, and had I been born into a female body, I would pretty much be the same person I am today. As in, I would probably own the same clothes I wear now, just with more some moreso "feminine" pieces thrown in. Being sort of "androgynous" or "bigender" has forced me to become rather radical with my views on gender. But in being like this, I've learned to sort of look past what my voice sounds like, and those kinds of things. Some other people may not be able to cope with this, and I understand that completely. I guess what I'm suggesting is that the longer you focus and try to accept yourself, the easier it will be for you to get past the embarrassment and fears you feel. A transgender person should be ashamed of nothing; transphobes should most definitely be (and they should also be given a chance to better understand trans* people ). My family and (2 ) friends have been incredibly understanding and supportive. I can't say the same will go for you if you decide to come out, but it may turn out that all your fears were for nothing. And as Cynthia Michelle pointed out, gender is not something you should compromise.
The other thing: that tricky devil "infertility". I can say that infertility is my biggest roadblock. I'm a hopeless romantic who has always dreamed of having a family. But as Jason said, banking is a very valid option. For me, I still feel like it wouldn't be the same as conceiving children naturally through intercourse, and so it's still an idea I need to get used. I'm not sure how you feel about it, but for your sake I hope the idea of banking works for you

So, to answer your ultimate question: heck yes I can relate! and another thing: these feelings aren't really weird. They may be strange to you now, but eventually (hopefully) you'll learn to accept yourself fully, whether male, female, or anything between and beyond. Best of luck, and congrats on conjuring the courage to post here

[Izla]

I can relate to a LOT of what you've said here.I too feel that back and forth "what am I going to do I need to know now erghhhh!!" feeling. And you've said that you can't focus on conversations with colleagues and friends and such. I started coming out about a year ago, but as of now only two of my friends know. They are my closest friends, and even though I am not out to everyone, talking to them has become SUCH a relief. And I don't even mean "talking to them about my trans* feelings" I literally mean "talking to them" because I know that they know who I am. Even if I've got unshaven hairs on my face, I feel immense comfort in that they know I am a girl. If there are people you think could accept you and keep your "secret" while it is a secret, perhaps telling them might come as a relief. For me, it also helped me to accept and understand myself.
Again, you've hit the nail right on the head. It's when I think, seriously think, about not transitioning that I realize "Yeah, I can't do that. I need to transition." If I think short sighted, it can sometimes be "Meh, I can deal with this body and this life", but in the back of my mind I feel like it's just a matter of time. This is not to suggest that transitioning is for you: as others have said, you should definitely seek professional counsel. But I think that with time, that anxiety you feel will become more understood. Perhaps one day it will turn into "Okay, I definitely need to do this", or perhaps not. I can't tell you: and to be honest, I hated when people would tell me that when I first posted here. But it's the truth, and if other people could tell you who you are and aren't, well, that would be just plain boring!

Okay so, a couple of things: first, for me, part of my acceptance of myself has been to understand that I am not a set of gender stereotypes. I love wearing tuxedos as much as I would love to wear dresses. I'm sexually, sensually, and mentally attracted to women, and had I been born into a female body, I would pretty much be the same person I am today. As in, I would probably own the same clothes I wear now, just with more some moreso "feminine" pieces thrown in. Being sort of "androgynous" or "bigender" has forced me to become rather radical with my views on gender. But in being like this, I've learned to sort of look past what my voice sounds like, and those kinds of things. Some other people may not be able to cope with this, and I understand that completely. I guess what I'm suggesting is that the longer you focus and try to accept yourself, the easier it will be for you to get past the embarrassment and fears you feel. A transgender person should be ashamed of nothing; transphobes should most definitely be (and they should also be given a chance to better understand trans* people ). My family and (2 ) friends have been incredibly understanding and supportive. I can't say the same will go for you if you decide to come out, but it may turn out that all your fears were for nothing. And as Cynthia Michelle pointed out, gender is not something you should compromise.
The other thing: that tricky devil "infertility". I can say that infertility is my biggest roadblock. I'm a hopeless romantic who has always dreamed of having a family. But as Jason said, banking is a very valid option. For me, I still feel like it wouldn't be the same as conceiving children naturally through intercourse, and so it's still an idea I need to get used. I'm not sure how you feel about it, but for your sake I hope the idea of banking works for you

So, to answer your ultimate question: heck yes I can relate! and another thing: these feelings aren't really weird. They may be strange to you now, but eventually (hopefully) you'll learn to accept yourself fully, whether male, female, or anything between and beyond. Best of luck, and congrats on conjuring the courage to post here

This was great, thanks for taking the time to share.

Yeah, the environment I'm currently in is very, very typically male centric - the usual male talk stuff is 24/7, my secret would just be gossip to be laughed at to at least the majority. So it feels kind of lonely, but I'll probably never see most/all of these people again after 1 more year and coming here is a great help and the only thing I have at present. I understand that therapy is just the process of coming to terms with what you already know - well, to be honest, there's nothing about transition that's screaming to me "No, that's not you, that's not what you want" - it's more "You'll fail, You won't be good enough, You're a joke" etc. There are parts (pretty much just the fertility issue) that are far from ideal but the more I think of that the more I think of other options - banking and even adoption - seem absolutely fine, I don't really care if it's natural conception. Maybe it's just the whole pressure of "passing your genetics on" and stuff like that. Hell, I'm not even sure I want/will have kids, but removing the option completely is a little daunting.

I'm so glad you brought up clothes though - that was my next point of focus in the big debate. Bit of a contrast to you, I hate suits/tuxedos with a passion, but anything else I don't really care too much - clothes are material - this is about my skin/body. I've tried dressing in women's clothes, I was excited but the end result was .. yeah, a guy in a dress - so that just made me feel worse in the end. I kind of thought "crossdressing" was supposed to be an outlet for these feelings - didn't seem like that to me, so what does that mean? There's most definitely a want/need to dress in female clothing, but with this body it's just... yeah, you've put some feminine material on it but it still doesn't "look right". I do wear bracelets and other female jewelry though, no matter. It's like a small happy addition.

I think I'm starting to move past the gender stereotyping now, but there's also a part of me that wants to become a stereotype girl to some extent. Not fully, but definitely to be accepted as female by a society where things are strictly male or female. It makes looking at the between difficult, and like maybe that inbetween just won't cut it for me. The more I say on the matter the more it feels like I may already know.

Yeah I kind of hate that all my posts here seem to be "me, me, I, I". Really, thanks for being nice  I'm glad you have a great support group for your journey.

[xponentialshift]

There are parts (pretty much just the fertility issue) that are far from ideal but the more I think of that the more I think of other options - banking and even adoption - seem absolutely fine, I don't really care if it's natural conception. Maybe it's just the whole pressure of "passing your genetics on" and stuff like that. Hell, I'm not even sure I want/will have kids, but removing the option completely is a little daunting.

I sort of feel the same way about the fertility...
If I do decide to bank, that's great, but I might not because I have too many congenital (dominant) conditions I will likely pass on. I figure by the time science can regularly control which genes are passed on to prevent diseases there will be a way to reproduce by some other method, eg stem cells or converted blood cells. (Hopefully this happens by the time I want kids)

I'm so glad you brought up clothes though - that was my next point of focus in the big debate. Bit of a contrast to you, I hate suits/tuxedos with a passion, but anything else I don't really care too much - clothes are material - this is about my skin/body. I've tried dressing in women's clothes, I was excited but the end result was .. yeah, a guy in a dress - so that just made me feel worse in the end. I kind of thought "crossdressing" was supposed to be an outlet for these feelings - didn't seem like that to me, so what does that mean? There's most definitely a want/need to dress in female clothing, but with this body it's just... yeah, you've put some feminine material on it but it still doesn't "look right". I do wear bracelets and other female jewelry though, no matter. It's like a small happy addition.

I pretty much feel the same way about cross dressing and made a thread about it... Oh and I don't do bracelets per se... But I do always have a hair tie or two on my wrist.

Yeah I kind of hate that all my posts here seem to be "me, me, I, I". Really, thanks for being nice  I'm glad you have a great support group for your journey.

I think while we are pre-everything we have less experience and thus less guidance to offer others so a lot of our posts are about us...for me it is worse because I can't even really comment on the "do I look feminine" and before and after threads... I have prosopagnosia so I can't distinguish faces so any comments I make about faces pretty much mean nothing or are very scientific.

Thanks for the good wishes for my first session! I will probably start a thread to talk about it afterwards.

Good luck gathering the courage to set up your first appointment!

[warlockmaker]

Hi Isla. You are not alone and my decision was a long and difficult one to begin HRT. I am an Alpha be it male or female. Just becasue I see myself as a female does not change that that I am Alpha. I come from a very liberal yet immensly rich and powerful family and I made a decision to transition after talking with two therapists for over a year. I am in the closet still and I know I will have to start fresh somewhere new - maybe Thailand and USA.  The HRT is reversable, especially in the first 3 months without any significant side effects and I remember my being very hesitatnt to start despite encouragement from both therapists. I have never regretted this decision and have found peace.

I have good liberal friends but its not right for me to impose this change upon them and demand their acceptance - I know I have to move from my home city and I have actually started to see my clsoe freinds alot less in preparation for my move. This is my initial strategy and I know it is an evolving process.

See a therapist, be comfortable with the decision you make. Good luck.