I love and thank you all, but I don't know if I belong here anymore.

[FrancisAnn]

It's tough on most all of us not born with a more feminine type body. Doubt it will help however I feel your pain. Lots of cis women are not very pretty at all if you notice.

Good luck GF. Hang in there.

[LordKAT]

FWIW, I would not like to see you go. I'm sad that you are going through some rough times. I would think that is when you need us most, but, what do I know.

[Jess42]

I want to apologize to everyone. I'm just in a very bad place.  Honestly, I'm sick of feeling so depressed and scared about every element of my life and caring about what everyone else thinks, but I don't know how to change it.  I feel like coming here helps me take the steps I need and enables me to find some strength through out the process, even if it's just talking about it or finding some strength beforehand,  but at the same time I expose what I damn loser/failure I am.  And I'm sick of feeling like this. How much of a screw up I am compared to everyone else who seem to have it together and able to just push through this crap.  Right now, if I had the courage, I would just end it all, but I can never get myself to even do that.  And I tried recently to get out and socialize as female and get over my fear, I went out as more andro than usual, but I got laughed at and called a ->-bleeped-<- by three teenage boys.  That's my destiny.  I'm never going to make it in the real world like I want to.  All I'll ever have is this place and even here I'm a loser outcast weirdo. I'm sorry for venting and just being the whiny idiot I am.  I'm just in so much pain a the moment.

Please just let this thread die.

Everyone gets in bad, dark places at times. It takes far more courage to trudge through the screwed up world than it does to end it all so don't sell yourself short. Believe me, I have thought about it a few times myself. As for getting laughed at, everyone gets laughed at and made fun of. Too fat, too skinny, too smart, wears glasses, has long hair, is gay, is ugly, dresses stupid, too many freckles, and about another million and one things that teens target on other people. Just remember when they make fun of someone else it just boosts their ego especially in front of their friends.

I don't think you are whiny and I definitely don't think you are a loser. You need to find your self worth and work on your self esteem. We all get down and we all need to vent, hell we just need to whine and cry sometimes.

I agree with what Lara said about the "screw you" attitude. Turn it up to ten and figure out you have to live your life, not the three teenage boys that felt big and bad by making you feel bad about yourself, not anyone on this forum or anyone else for that matter. It's all on you. Believe me that "screw you" attitude makes you feel a whole lot better.

[Ltl89]

Once again,sorry everyone for my drama. I just feel like such a loser here and in life.   The usual response I have is to back away and hide from everyone.  I guess I have to start not caring what other people think, but that is such a difficult thing for me.  It's the most important aspect of life for me.  Sad but true.  Even what those three boys laughing at me thought is more important than anything else.  It's why I went home and cried and sadly, I hate admitting this, hurt myself that night.  But I guess instead of running away or trying to change what people think, I have to accept who I am and part of that is learning to love this loser for who she is and fixing her flaws. I just feel so pathetic for being such a needy mess who constantly needs validation which she doesn't deserve or ever earn.

I look at everyone else.  Everyone is able to make it through and better themselves.  Me?  I'm a total screw up with nothing going for her.  My family hates me.  My friends avoid me.  I have no relationship.  I've got like no life.  I'm just a total loser.  Honestly, I am.  And it needs to change because pacifying a meaningless existence does nothing productive.   I can't keep going like this.  I just really hope I'll make it through this transition phase and everything will be a blur from my past.  Living a semi-suicidal life really isn't rewarding anymore, and I'm starting to break down.  However, I find I'm very uncertain about my future ad ability to find a happy life.  Hopefully that will pass.  And I'm not leaving because sadly I sort of rely on this forum for emotional help and guidance through this phase of my life.  I realize I'm pathetic.

Again, I'm sorry for this drama and forgive me for once again making a total fool of myself here like I do all the time.   In fact, I regret opening up and sharing all this, like I always do.  Please, as I asked before, let this thread die.  And forgive me for being such a moron like usual and causing grief.  You all deserve better and I've just embarrassed myself more.   

Seriously, I'm very sorry to everyone here for all of this.  I'm shutting up now and hope this will all just disappear.

[Christinetobe]

Hello Mattie,
As someone who is still very new here I read a lot of the posts by just wandering through the forums.  My impression of your posts has never made me believe that you were anything but honest and struggling as so many of us are.  In a perfect world we could snap our fingers and fix everything.  Unfortunately the world and nobody in it is perfect.  I also have extremely negative days that I bottle up inside sometimes and then end up exploding usually at the people I love.  Then crying and apologizing.  I know that is a terrible way to deal with it so I have slowly started asking and posting questions here.  I am sure a lot of people have read them and thought Drama Queen and just moved on.  I have just told myself that it truly does not matter what anyone thinks because at least here I can just let myself be me.  I know my life would be worse without this outlet and I a sure I would be engaging in self-destructive behaviors.  It seems to me that being here helped you to stop that.  I for one would hope that you stay and continue to post your feelings because I enjoy reading them and they are always thought provoking in the least.  Besides if someone thinks you are a drama queen at least you are a queen.  Isn't that how we all want to be treated.
Thanks for always making me think.
Let me offer you a BIG HUG and I hope it is not the last time I can.