Preparing to start therapy...

[~Kaiden]

Hellooooo, Susan's!  *wavewavewave* 

Well, I haven't been on much over the past few months.  I guess maybe I just needed some times to really think about my options after finally coming out to myself and my family about 6 months ago... or maybe I was just playing the avoidance game.  Probably a little of both. 

I have to admit, the prospect of transitioning is kind of terrifying...  I have had days where I just want to creep back into the closet and stay there.  Days when I have doubts.  But its what I need to do... because, quite frankly, the prospect of living the rest of my life as my birth gender is not only even more terrifying, it's simply impossible.  I just can't live this way anymore and be happy.  And I am tired of being miserable.

Anyway, a little update.  I finally called a few days ago and set up an appointment with a therapist.  I am going in for my assessment on the 7th.  She asked me some questions over the phone, but I couldn't really bring myself to mention the GID thing...  I just told her I needed help with anxiety and agoraphobia, which is true... and probably something I should have gotten help for a long time ago.  But anyway... I suppose I should just bring it up during the assessment?  :/

I have never seen a therapist before.  Well, as an adult, anyway.  I used to go to counseling when I was a kid... although to be honest I don't really remember specifically why.  (but it probably had a bit to do with my parents and the fact that I was pretty much a mute in school)  But yeah... I mean, I think I have a good idea of how it all works, but I'm still not sure what to expect.  I have to admit, I'm pretty nervous.

So, I'm wondering if there's anything I should do to prepare myself?  I think the main reason I am nervous isn't so much about being trans, although of course that's part of it, but if I know anything about how therapy works there's probably going to be a lot of things I'm going to have to talk about that I really don't want to talk about.  I know being trans definitely adds to my anxiety, but it's not the core of it.  The catalyst is more likely to be some things that have happened to me throughout my life that I really never talk about, or try to think about if I can help it.  There's a lot of things I haven't really faced or dealt with, that I've kept bottled up inside for a long time.  And I find it a lot easier to just bury myself in a video game, shut my blinds and hide from the world than actually deal with life.  Seems like that's how I have learned to cope with things, try to be invisible as possible to most of the world.  So, the idea of exposing myself personally to someone I don't know makes me feel really insecure.

Anyway... I think I have typed enough.  I am going to stop there, lest I really start rambling.

Thanks for reading.  I missed you guys!  *hugs*

[alena]

Hi Kaiden,

I was quite nervous on my first visit to my therapist. The only thing I can recommend is to be truthful and open up your thoughts and feelings. A good therapist will put you at ease and get you to talk. They can see connections between things that we aren't aware of. They can also read a lot from your body language, eye movement and tone of your voice so its pointless not to tell the truth. It's hard to put your trust in someone at first, but with time it gets easier. I used to bury myself in video games and other things but it is quite liberating to confront your fears as well!

Alena x

[Thomas]

I am so much like you.. been through so much and instead of facing the "real world" I was at home playing a video game for 6 years, building myself a "fake world" where everyone thinks im a guy. Im ready to make it true though, been wasting enough time.
good luck to you!

[JoanneB]

When I did the similar "adult thing" a few years back over a ton of bad ways I've been trying to live up to the facade I built, I also dropped the T-bomb right at the start. The big reason why is I rasoned that was a big reason reason behind all the carnage in my wake. At that time transitioning was the absolute last thing on my to-do list.

[Jason C]

I've seen a therapist on two separate occasions for two different things, and I'll be seeing one again soon. With the last one, is was about my depression and anxiety, so they asked a bunch of questions to determine how much it impacts your social and personal life and etc. Then they discussed how I felt in certain situations, what it is that makes me feel the way I do, and try to work on a plan on how to deal with that. If the therapist is good, even decent, they'll just allow you to talk and listen first, then respond. With me, he did a lot of the talking, but that's because I wasn't sure what to say, so he gave me a bit of a nudge in the right direction. A good therapist will put you at ease. It's less scary when you're in there and talking, in my experience.

[~Kaiden]

Thanks, everyone.

I have no intention of being untruthful, it's just that I know some things are gonna be hard to talk about.  Despite that though, I am actually kinda looking forward to it.  Still a bit nervous, but It'll be nice to start figuring things out and putting my life back together.  I did have a bit of a freak out the day after I made the appointment. XD  But I feel like I'm starting to get to the point where I am ready to do whatever I have to to make things happen, despite the anxiety.  And it feels good just knowing I've got the ball rolling now.