Help! My wife won't lay off about my weight and it's becoming a problem.

[Sincerely Tegan]

Ugh,
Another dramatic evening. My parents came over for dinner, which is a fairly rare occurence. We're not a super close family. They're not bad people, but I just don't have much of a relationship with them. Our relationship is more awkward than it is strained. Still, my parents don't have a lot of tact, and they started in immediately about how skinny I looked. I honestly haven't lost more than 5 lbs since I last saw them around Christmas time, but apparently my Xmas sweater hid my slender frame a bit better than the button-up I wore today.

Well, it (as well as enough wine to get her slurring) gave my wife enough fuel to start in on me after they left.  I'm 6'0. I was slim when I first met her (in 2007), then due to a combination of stress and depression I gained nearly 40 lbs (getting to 201 lbs) over the next 2 years. Then I got engaged to her, and started Weight Watchers to trim down for the wedding. That was in 2010, and I got down to 178. After that, I began cheating with my diet again and eventually inched back up to 190. Two years ago, I managed to bring that down to approximately 185. Then, since this time last year, I've lost another 25 lbs, bringing me down to about 160. This final loss is just due to cutting out snacking, controlling my diet, and practicing moderation with "treats." In other words, I've continued to slim down because I've *GASP!* stuck to the plan. My weight has been pretty consistent since the Fall. I am NOT unhealthy.

Well, a little history might be in order. K (which is what my wife- the love of my life- will be called henceforth) had a major eating disorder as a teen, which actually followed her into her twenties. It was still an active part of her life throughout her first (unhappy) marriage. She stopped shortly after our relationship became serious enough to make her feel secure. Since then, I've had to stop her several times from calling friends or acquaintances out on "eating disorders." She seems to see the "signs" a lot.

Well, she's been on my ass for a while. It doesn't help that I like the tall, slim look and tend to buy clothes that emphasize it. This has been compounded by the fact that as my dysphoria has flared up in the last few months I have been purposely highlighting my slender frame with my clothing choices, often wearing shirts with an open neck and a tank top underneath, with a low enough neckline to show off both my chest tattoo and my bony chest. But that's what feels right to me right now, and nobody at either of my jobs seems to take issue with it.

Anyway, I'm not going to gain a lb for anybody. I don't feel I should have to. My body, my decision. I  am healthy. I've lost fat, but retained lean muscle, so what's the problem? I feel healthier than I have felt in a very long time. Do I look skinny? Sure. So what? I'm not a big exerciser, so I pretty much either look skinny or pudgy. I prefer the former.

Well, nearly a year ago I came out to my wife.  It was very badly done, and resulted in a huge blowup, followed by my immediate dive back into the closet. The details are here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,161537.msg1383767.html#msg1383767.  Now, I feel like I'm being overly scrutinized. She points out when my hair is getting long. She questions my grooming (she seemed bothered that I used a product to cover up my gray hairs). She bought me a cologne for Christmas (which smells really nice, by the way) called MAN. She bought me a subscription to the Dollar Shave Club (which is actually kind of cool). It all feels very conspicuous.

A couple of months ago, when she was drunk and riled up, she brought up my coming out. She was very nasty. She threatened our relationship because "I don't even know if you're really a man." The following  day she claimed to not remember what she had said.

The last time she got drunk, she also turned on me (it's an unfortunate cycle) and got incredibly nasty. This time she managed to stifle an attack on my gender identity. Still, the next day, when she apologized after seeing just how broken up I was, she said , "Honey, I was drunk. I'm sorry. I don't question you or your identity." As I said, my gender identity had not been brought up during this go-round.

Tonight, insisting that I had a problem- regarding my weight- she suddenly blurted out that I need to decide if I'm going to be a man or a woman. I did not dignify that with a response, and instead insisted that she needed to stop trying to control my body, that she needed to stop being mean. She was in drunken argument mode, and simply rolled her eyes when I told her how disrespectful she was being. I told her I needed her to stop. She really wanted the last word.

I haven't a clue if she'll even bring this up tomorrow. I know I won't. And she's about to spend a couple nights with a close friend in LA (her friend's birthday/girls' trip), meaning I might not really see her again till Wednesday.

I'm not in despair. Quite frankly, I'm kind of pissed. I don't like that anybody other than my therapist should be trying to diagnose me. I love the hell out of her, and really do despair at the thought of losing her. But right now, I'm ticked off. I expect that when she has calmed down, she will expect me to just get over it as well. Then again, she might stand by her statements and insist that she was in the right all along, that she's just telling me what I need to hear (about my weight).

I'm beginning to suspect that she may never be able to accept Tegan.

Jesus Christ. What's happening to my life?

Okay, now I am crying.

God damnit.

-Tegan

[crowcrow223]

OMG, I feel for You Tegan, keep it strong. I've just got a quesiton, just to clarify

Do you want to transition and the other question do you want to stay in a relationship with your wife?

[Sincerely Tegan]

Regarding transition, I don't know. I wish I did. Hopefully, I'll figure that out in therapy.

Regarding keeping her, definitely yes. I want nothing more.

-Teg

[Christine167]

The alcohol and it's effects on your wife are not making for a good situation there.

My mother is a sober prescription drug abuser and her father was an alcoholic. I'm not saying that your wife is but rather that the same effect is happening.

She drinks for whatever reason, loses her inhibition, and opens up. But instead of using that constructively she is projecting negativity onto those she cares about. This isn't good and you aren't wrong to feel the way that you do about it.

Love and hugs Tegan.

[Sincerely Tegan]

I know, Em. I'm trying to surrender to the process. In other words, I'm going to put myself in the hands of the therapist.

It just seems so unfair, though.

If she just stopped fighting so much, she'd see that nothing significant need change between us, ever. We could still have all the closeness, all the love we have always had. Nothing needs to change.

But you know what? I think she'd be coming at me even without the whole GID thing. These tantrums are not new. She carries a lot of stress. She holds it together 99% of the time, but eventually falls apart. Sadly, she does it at me. And she says the most hurtful things she can think of. It's kind of an automatic reaction. It almost makes me wonder if this really is a concern for her, or if it really is just another random piece of ammunition. It's really hard to tell.

But, as far as therapy- she's resistant. I think her whole eating disorder history has kind of poisoned her to the process. She claims to have all the tools, but that she sometimes forgets to use them in the heat of the moment. Of course, that rationale just sounds like bs to me.

Anyway, I'm serious about therapy. If things in my sessions get to the point that my therapist thinks we need a joint session, then I will broach the subject. Until then, it's not bloody likely that I'll get much traction down that road. It also seems wise not to try.

I think it's just a matter of giving this a little time to settle down. I'll, of course, continue my therapy, but I will unfortunately have to do so stealth.

,
Tegan

[LivingTheDream]

Your wife definitely has issues when it comes to you transitioning, it's not just the alcohol talking, and it may come to the point that if you do it you may lose her. As others have said, she should see someone as well because holding everything in until it explodes is not healthy for you, need to learn how to deal with things before it comes to that.

As for me, I'd have to talk with her about it in the morning. I HATE going to bed angry like that. I certainly couldn't let it go for awhile while she went on vacation either, it would just annoy and eat me up inside, I'd think about it constantly and it would drive me crazy. Not being able to talk about it would make me angrier than having the fight in the first place.

Btw, I am ~6ft, maybe a bit less, and around 150-160 pds as well and its not TOO skinny, a bit but not bad, so def don't think you need to be gaining weight if you don't want to. Mine's not muscle tho cuz I hate working out and don't wanna be buff. Hope everything goes well for you and her and hope you guys can figure things out.

[crowcrow223]

I hope my post won't sound too harsh, if it does, it's not my intention and I apologise.

Sooner or later, you'll transition, many of us have been trying to escape it, postpone it, get rid of this need in our life, it never works, trust me, it doesn't.

Can you imagine yourself and your wife in a successful relationship after you transition? Do you feel like the prospect of her coming to terms with you being a woman is possible? Do you feel there still could be attraction and love AFTER You transition? Do you think your marriage will survive? Ask yourself this question, as horrible as it may sound, at the end of the day, you have to choose yourself, if she doesn't accept you.

G-d bless

[Veronica M]

Tegan, I feel for you for sure as this is also a hurdle I am crossing as well. That said, my SO and I have had one fight in 19 years. So for me fighting is not the issue. Yes we have had our share of minor debates but nothing serious by far.

Anyway, as to you, this is a time in your life where you need to think about you and not your wife. I know that sounds harsh, but for you to get through this transition if that is what you decide you are going to do you have to center on yourself.

Just reading your post I can grasp how much you love your wife so this will be very difficult to say the least. So that said, I would prepare for the worst and hope for the best. But if transition is something you decide you want then don't wait, it will eat you up inside and that alone could cause your relationship to collapse. Also, you might think about therapy not only for you but your wife also. It might enlighten her to what your feeling. 

[Sincerely Tegan]

Update: the following morning

With all due respect to everyone who's pushing for immediate reconciliation, the whole "don't go to bed angry" thing really is bad advice. She needs time to decompress. Hopefully this night or two away will do that for her. When she gets in these moods, she can't be talked down, and she'll keep going until she burns off her anger. The alcohol is a trigger, but the mood stays even after the buzz wears off.

As I said, this was an issue long before gender issues were ever on the table. I've gotten used to morning nastiness after these rough nights. This morning, as I stepped into the shower (she was already nearly dressed), she said, "Did you weigh yourself? How much did you lose in the night?"

My only response was to say, "You know, we don't always have to carry these things into a second day."

Before she left, her words were kinder, but not her tone (this is the way she processes). I don't recall exactly what she said, but it was something to the effect that she loves me, but that I have a real problem. I didn't respond; there was nothing to say.

When she went to bed last night, I went out front to sit on our porch swing to finish my beer. That's when I got this text from her as she packed (for her girls' getaway). To clarify, our cat Riddle is sick and taking medicine.

K: You hate me but you don't hate cats so hopefully you will not get frustrated and give up on the task of giving Riddle medicine. He needs it in the morning when you are going to work and the evening when you are going to bed.

Me: I don't hate you. You hurt me, and seem to revel in it.

I don't know when she wrote her next response, but I only noticed it today as I drove to work. I'm leaving it as she wrote it. I hope it does not offend.

K: I didn't hurt you. You like to paint me as an aggressor all the time. I guess it's good we won't be around eachother for a few days. You are anorexic. Yes I have some expertise in knowing the signs of this eating disorder so shut up. You restrict your calories then binge or "cheat " and then skip meals or eat something insubstantial such as an apple FOR A MEAL. You are constantly buying smaller sizes. Do you get a sense of accomplishment when you push through hunger pangs? You supposedly are not smoking as much pot, but you taught yourself to ignore the munchies. What's the "perfect" weight or number? You check every ->-bleeped-<-ing day. You know your weight to the decimal. You are sick. You have a messed up relationship with yourself so you are trying to control food.

So, yeah. That's where things stand right now. She knows I'm going back to therapy, but doesn't yet know that it's to talk about gender issues.

I have a headache. Thinking about this won't help right now- she's steering this ship, and when it docks is really up to her. I don't want to fight, nor do I want to have to defend myself. I am NOT anorexic.

Thank you, girls, for your support and advice. I would appreciate it, though, please, if we could avoid talking about my future in certainties. I'm not ready for certainties yet, which is why I'm going to a therapist. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and concern, but please do that much for me- leave the certainties out. I'm more than aware of the multitude of possibilities that might be in the cards. Still, nothing is certain until it happens. Please give me that.

Thank you,
Tegan

[Veronica M]

Thank you, girls for your support and advice. I would appreciate it, though, please, if we could avoid talking about my future in certainties. I'm not ready for certainties yet, which is why I'm going to a therapist. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and concern, but please do that much for me- leave the certainties out. I'm more than aware of the multitude of possibilities that might be in the cards. Still, nothing is certain until it happens. Please give me that.

I can totally respect that, and believe me I wish you all the best in your relationship. I was merely pointing out that you need to focus on you. Everything else will fall into place as it should.

[stephaniec]

Update: the following morning

With all due respect to everyone who's pushing for immediate reconciliation, the whole "don't go to bed angry" thing really is bad advice. She needs time to decompress. Hopefully this night or two away will do that for her. When she gets in these moods, she can't be talked down, and she'll keep going until she burns off her anger. The alcohol is a trigger, but the mood stays even after the buzz wears off.

As I said, this was an issue long before gender issues were ever on the table. I've gotten used to morning nastiness after these rough nights. This morning, as I stepped into the shower (she was already nearly dressed), she said, "Did you weigh yourself? How much did you lose in the night?"

My only response was to say, "You know, we don't always have to carry these things into a second day."

Before she left, her words were kinder, but not her tone (this is the way she processes). I don't recall exactly what she said, but it was something to the effect that she loves me, but that I have a real problem. I didn't respond; there was nothing to say.

When she went to bed last night, I went out front to sit on our porch swing to finish my beer. That's when I got this text from her as she packed (for her girls' getaway). To clarify, our cat Riddle is sick and taking medicine.

K: You hate me but you don't hate cats so hopefully you will not get frustrated and give up on the task of giving Riddle medicine. He needs it in the morning when you are going to work and the evening when you are going to bed.

Me: I don't hate you. You hurt me, and seem to revel in it.

I don't know when she wrote her next response, but I only noticed it today as I drove to work. I'm leaving it as she wrote it. I hope it does not offend.

K: I didn't hurt you. You like to paint me as an aggressor all the time. I guess it's good we won't be around eachother for a few days. You are anorexic. Yes I have some expertise in knowing the signs of this eating disorder so shut up. You restrict your calories then binge or "cheat " and then skip meals or eat something insubstantial such as an apple FOR A MEAL. You are constantly buying smaller sizes. Do you get a sense of accomplishment when you push through hunger pangs? You supposedly are not smoking as much pot, but you taught yourself to ignore the munchies. What's the "perfect" weight or number? You check every ->-bleeped-<-ing day. You know your weight to the decimal. You are sick. You have a messed up relationship with yourself so you are trying to control food.

So, yeah. That's where things stand right now. She knows I'm going back to therapy, but doesn't yet know that it's to talk about gender issues.

I have a headache. Thinking about this won't help right now- she's steering this ship, and when it docks is really up to her. I don't want to fight, nor do I want to have to defend myself. I am NOT anorexic.

Thank you, girls, for your support and advice. I would appreciate it, though, please, if we could avoid talking about my future in certainties. I'm not ready for certainties yet, which is why I'm going to a therapist. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and concern, but please do that much for me- leave the certainties out. I'm more than aware of the multitude of possibilities that might be in the cards. Still, nothing is certain until it happens. Please give me that.

Thank you,
Tegan

I'd like to say something and it's just to be taken as an opinion, not negative or positive, When I was 20 I decided to go on a vegetarian diet at the same time I turned to lsd. I became quite addicted to lsd . I lost total awareness of my physical presence and basically stopped eating. I thought I was eating healthy because I was only eating vegetables. I really didn't know what I was doing because of my drug problem. After I quit drugs I still would eat but aone small meal a day. I was the poster child for anorexia . I thought nothing was physically wrong . People would tell me I was half dead, but it didn't register. I did come so close to death. I was in college and other students would tell me I was sick but it still didn't register. The teachers got me into therapy, but it still didn't register that I was starving to death. Luckily I moved to New Mexico and had to do manual labor to survive and realized , yea I am sick and I started to eat again. What I'm saying is that your wife has been there. It's a very dangerous condition to have because you truly don't think you have it. I haven't the slightest idea if your even close to having it . I just think your wife is truly concerned about your health nothing more.

[Sincerely Tegan]

Breaking (good?) news:

My wife accidentally left her phone at home when she left for work. Sometime in the last hour, she tried to call me from her work line, but I was in the middle of a class and missed the call. So instead she sent me a message through Facebook. It's quite the reversal. Have a gander:

"I am sorry I was awful. I am sick and need help. I am not a good person like this. I am not being a good wife or friend. I love you so much and I am a terrible person. I will get help with anger management and stuffing feelings."

I'm certainly not counting chickens, but it's moments like this that give me some hope that maybe when the dust all settles we might still have each other. Maybe we could possibly keep being T&K, even if T stands for Tegan. I know the odds aren't good, but my soul is clinging onto whatever shred of hope presents itself. I need that right now.

I won't overthink it right now because I frankly still have a headache.

All I can do is sigh and wonder what's next.

-Teg

[Sincerely Tegan]

Thanks for the concern, Steph.

I DID go online to look up the signs of anorexia this morning, and I can truly say that I do not relate to a single one. This was not a surprise to me.

But thanks for looking out. Much appreciated.

-Teg

[Sincerely Tegan]

I just want to thank everyone for your thoughts and advice. Christine, Stephanie, Emily, Veronica, Crow, LTDream, thank you.

To answer a couple questions or statements brought up: I can picture us happy together if I transitioned. I really can picture it. Very little would actually HAVE TO change. Our love is about way more than sex (not that we're very active sexually, anyway) to me; it's about our connection and our friendship. But I am well aware that this view needs to be held on both sides. Time will tell.

In response to "hope for the best, prepare for the worst," believe me, I know. As much as it pains me, there are times when I walk through our place and mentally note what is mine, what is hers. My brain is slowly wrapping itself around the possibility of a future in which I'll be having to box those items up.

And LTDream, thank you for confirming that I am still in the healthy weight range. I don't have a lot of muscle either, by the way. I, too, would be out of place at a gym. ;-)

Well, thanks, ladies.

Cheers,
Teg

[Veronica M]

You are very welcome Tegan, and I really hope you the best. 

Hugs

[Joanna Dark]

Well...don't you think the point shold come where you should be honest with her about your thoughts regarding transition, why your dressing more andro and the fact that you are seeing a therapist to decide if transition is the right path? I'm not trying to be mean but it just seems like the wife's on the forum are always the bad person and I don't think anyone is right or wrong, but if she is buying you all these things that scream MAN (one quite literally) she obviously has suspicions, especially since you came out to her and then reversed it...(is thta what happened?) From her POV, she might be thinking that you have no intentions of ever transtioning and now feels like she is this awful person, but what happens if you do transition? If she thinks what I think she thinks, that ur not going to transition ever, then if you do, it could destroy her world. I don't know. That's just one POV to consider but don't take it from me, I'm not married and I like men. I just can't help but identify with wives since that's what I want to be...it's what I will be. And I just know if my husband dropped a bomb on me like that...it would kill me. Something to think about. Don;t take it the wrong way as I'm a little confused as to what is going on and if she knows or doesn't know.

[Sincerely Tegan]

Joanna,
The last time I was in therapy, it was for depression. This was pre-coming out. Then yes, you are correct- I reversed it. I recently told K I'm going back to therapy. I didn't specify why, and she did not ask.

I can't really talk to her about this until I get things more straight in my head. I've tried to do that for myself, but I really do need the professional help. Until I get going hardcore on that (I have an appointment set), I won't even know for sure what to tell her. I rushed it last time and it was a disaster. I need to be better informed and my thoughts need to be more organized.

And she needs help, too. She needs to learn to control the rage issues. She has finally offered to go seek help for this. That's huge. I did not press her into this at all. That really says something.

It's better to have our talk AFTER we have the proper tools to not make the whole thing turn into something regrettable.

I hope that makes sense.

-Tegan

[Christine167]

Teagan my wife and I are very similar to you and yours.

I don't believe that you are anorexic. I am not either for that matter but have been accused of "dieting" by my wife and coworkers.

Being the target of anger and not wanting to fight a battle that you know only ends in mutual loss.


I truly hope that T&K can make it work. For so many of us it has not. And we could all use some hope for the future I think.

[Joanna Dark]

The last time I was in therapy, it was for depression. This was pre-coming out. Then yes, you are correct- I reversed it. I recently told K I'm going back to therapy. I didn't specify why, and she did not ask.

So, you did come out and say you may transition and are, or may be, a transsexual? You kinda opened Pandora's Box and it will be hard, if not impossible, to close. I'm not married, nor have I been married, so I'm the last person you should listen to. But, I do like to think I know women, I am one, even genetically, though not phenotypically, and we over-analyze things. She may be thinking all sorts of things, anlyzing every action, thought and even gesture or body movement, right down to your reaction to receiving cologne names MAN. Really, I have never heard of that and it reeks (no pun intended) of her trying to say something, but being afriad to say it. It's passive-aggressive behavior, yes.

I don't know when the time to come clean is or what you intend to do, but if you're not going to transition, I won't lie, I would lie. Save your marriage. It seems like you both love each other and that's awesome and rare so really you have a hard choice to make and not much time to make it. I don't envy you and I do feel for you. I really hope things work out, but honestly, most marriages end at the start of transition. It does sound like she would be dead set against it. I don't see transition and marriage coinciding in your future. I know this sucks to hear, but someone has to say it. Therpaists are great, but they do sugarcoat things. And they aren't perfect. See a therpaist seems to be the go to answer for everything on this board because it saves one from having to say the hard things.

I wish you the best. One thing I wouldn't do is make any rash decisions and say you are trans again until you are 100 percent sure. This is why I'm against coming out until one is in transtion and sure of their path. I think way too much emphasis is placed on it. When the emphasis should be on planning for the future and being selfish. Because, let's face it. Transition is, and has to be, a selfish process. But then again, what's so selfish about being one's self. Nothing.

[carrie359]

Tegan,
I feel your pain..
I hope through therapy you can make the right decision for you and your wifes future.
However we get there therapy is so important.  I have only 6 weeks to ponder for sure my future..
I had second thoughts.. been on HRT for over three months and even changed therapists hoping I could somehow change my mind.. I am losing so much.
My wife and I will split if i continue although we are still in love and will always work together and be best friends forever.
She just can't stand the pain of my changes which are dramatic.
I don't act like a guy at all anymore.. and am looking fem..
Everything is wonderful except that she is not a lesbian.. or bi..
So, wishing you the best and before you start HRT keep in mind for me stopping is most likely impossible.. since I feels so good and happy with my body now. I was warned it could be hard to stop and everyone was right.
Carrie