Thanks, though I want to say that I don't think it's necessarily about what other people think... it's about what I think and also what I think other people think. Actually people have been picture perfect to me thru my transition. I've never got a single negative word or any mistreatment or discrimination at all... I've never been anything less than totally accepted so far, but I'm not happy.
Cuz being trans doesn't make me happy. If it's not there I can't make it be. I feel bad about it and unfortunately nobody can reassure me out of that. When I first thought about transitioning, I sort of assumed that trans women would mostly be like me, but eventually I realized that that is not the case. Bc for trans people, it's usually about gender identity, not necessarily about gender in the sense that most people think of gender. More about being attached to a gender than necessarily being like it. Idk, I just don't get the concept of gender identity.
Ultimately the societal expectation that makes me unhappy is that I am not supposed to be who/what I am as a cis boy. So yah I shouldn't have transitioned, cuz it's not worth it to me, I don't feel anything special about being seen or accepted as a woman in and of itself. I think men are beautiful and awesome too and there's nothing wrong with being a man or a woman and if not for gender roles I wouldn't even have a preference. I can't help my personality tho and my body which ended up feminine. Still... I just want to feel able to be fine with that. To be me...
I guess that is what bothers me about being trans and about trans people. A lot of times it seems to me like people want to actually uphold these crappy gender roles, not get rid of them, they just want to also be immune from them. They want to be the special exception in a binary world. Cuz they're attached to that binary. They have some attachment to their gender identity which wouldn't mean anything without clear obvious gender lines. Like if my gender identity was pineapple, wtf would that even mean? Pineapples don't have genders, it's totally meaningless to say that. For a girl gender identity, girls have to be girly and men have to be mannish. Even if that individual person doesn't want to be girly as a girl-identified person. So girls can be/are anything, boys can be/are anything, but I identify as a girl and definitely not a boy? Yah right. They have to be something specific for it to matter. Trans women DO believe girls stereotypically are or should be something, they just get mad when you have those expectations of them personally.
Yep... I feel like gender identity is kind of a thing that trans people insist on that is not even real because it gives them validity that is totally immaterial otherwise. Cuz if you're not biologically or physically a girl, you don't have much in common with girls, you don't know many girls, what makes you a girl? Saying you are one.
I just don't like it. Girls CAN be anything and boys CAN be anything which means you shouldn't have to pretend to be a girl to be all the things a girl can be. I am a feminine androphilic male who likes adorable pastel ->-bleeped-<- and a whole world of color, fuzzy animals and stuffed animals, sewing and cooking and baking and little desserts, home decorating, campy romance novels and yaoi and whatever, fashion, having gawjus long hair and pretty skin and wearing makeup or whatever I want, dressing up in crazy costumes. I'm always daydreaming about my wedding and how pretty I'll look in my dress and whether I'm gonna be a parent someday even though I can't have kids of my own. I'm stupidly emotional and totally dependent on other people and I cry way too much. I don't even know. Just a billion things people would be like whuuuut about (or just laugh at) if a boy said them and I don't freaking get it. I have more in common with female people most of the time, but I don't have to be female for that to matter. I should not have to and it shouldn't make a difference just cuz people see me and think (assume) I'm female. That is their fault. I shouldn't have to be lesser than females for that. I am a male who is also ____ ____ ___... not I am ____ ____ ___ because I'm male.
So yah I can't see myself as a trans person and it's always gonna feel weird and awkward and wrong. My conscience is like, against the idea of it. Cuz trans women want to be a female, not all the things they want to be as a female without having to pretend and fake that they are one. They don't want to be themselves, they wanna be this idea they have of what women are. Or maybe they just want their idea of a sexy bod, which is OK, but then they have to package it all together with gender and sex anyway. That's how it feels. I'm really sorry if this all is horrible for me to say. I feel like a horrible person, I'm just lost and upset and I feel so alone about this.... I feel so frustrated with gender and how people treat people over it :|
I know it sounds like it's already obvious what I should do (detransition) and there's no point in ranting about this, but that's the thing. I want to but I'm stuck cuz we still live in this stereotype-y world. I can't live my life as a male who is who I am cuz 1) people will constantly assume or assert that I am a female when they see me and even if they believe I'm male or happen to know that, I would face a ridiculous amount of hate and discrimination just over who I am that I don't experience now, just cuz it comes with the technicality of male. And they'd call me a ->-bleeped-<- anyway. And having lived so long as a fake female now I would actually risk losing a lot of my support system by being openly male instead. And my relationships with people. All over a definition.
ughhhhh ;_________________;
I'm so sad right now....
sorry....
I just wanna feel right for once.....
