MTF Psychologically dealing with not having a uterus

[CaraSinclair]

Hi there,

I've been having a repeating issue in my thought patterns that's very upsetting. It's dealing with the fact that I, a MTF transgender person, will never have a uterus or anything that comes along with that. I know there are already so many experience and so much time I've missed out on simply by being born physically male and I've been dealing with that. Occasionally I have a break down moment over it, but ultimately it's one of those "you just have to keep pushing forward" moments. However this particular thought process has been really hard to get around. Having a uterus and being able to menstruate and become pregnant is a fundamental part of womanhood for so many.
I understand that a woman is not defined by her vagina and that womanhood encompasses so much more and I understand that not all cis women can do those things either. Believe me when I say I've tried attacking this problematic thought process from every angle I can conceive, but I still can't get around how terribly upsetting it is and the thought that I (MTF on hormones for nearly two years now) will never be able to fully see myself as a woman, let alone anyone else. It's an incredibly depressing thing to think and unfortunately I think on it a lot. I've tried turning to the internet before for new ways of viewing this and for every one positive article I find, I find five or six post by bigots, extreme feminists and the likes that push me back down to near self-loathing state. So I figured I could turn to my peers and people that have possibly overcome this in the own mind.
I spent 20+ years in self-loathing before I took the step to transition into a better life that reflects who I am instead of how I was born and I don't want to live in that state any longer. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

-Cara Sinclair

[ErinM]

Cara,

I often struggle with this as well. The notion that my body will never be "complete", with hall of the good and the bad that comes with it can be hard to accept. On a good day it means a twinge of sadness, on a bad day it can be almost crippling.

I wish I could offer advice on how to handle this, but all I can offer is my sympathy and understanding.

Hugs,

Erin

[suzifrommd]

I find it helps to pray for acceptance. I'm not sure about God, so I pray to my inner strength. It works just as well. I ask for the peace that comes from accepting my limitations.

I hope this works for you, Cara. I totally relate to what you're going through.

[Jenna Marie]

I don't know if this will help, but... I overheard someone describe me as in "surgical menopause," and something clicked. I can frame it for myself, at least, as being the same as a woman who's had a hysterectomy - it's as if my uterus and ovaries were removed. I *do* know I never had them, but if I try not to focus on that aspect, I can sometimes get past feeling that sense of "fakeness" and instead feel something in common with women who are also struggling with grief and loss and a sense of being robbed of something essential in their womanhood after hysterectomy.

I also very occasionally poke a nose into a board called "HysterSisters" for that reason; I don't post, but it helps to read how cis women are sharing many of the same feelings. (Including, yes, that feeling that they aren't really or fully women anymore.) And to see how they support each other in getting over those feelings.

[E-Brennan]

This probably won't help, but there's plenty of women - I would suggest that it's the vast majority - who don't think that having a uterus is top of the list of what makes them feminine, much in the same way that having testicles isn't top of the list in terms of what makes a man masculine.  In fact, what's inside a person's underwear generally doesn't even cross my mind when thinking of what makes men masculine and women feminine.

So perhaps think of it in those terms: think of your top ten list of what makes men male, and flip it around.  Substitute each of those characteristics with its female equivalent.  With luck, "balls" won't be number one (or even number ten) on your initial list.

Maybe that will help you refocus on the important aspects of being feminine or masculine.   

[CindyLouCovington]

If it is any consulation,virtually all women, if you tell them that  some MtF are upset because they don't have a period, will say "Their' CRAZY. I would have given anything not to have a period.Why would ANYONE want to have that miserable thing every month!" My sister said that the only good thing about menopause was the fact that she would no longer be having a period. As they say "The grass is always greener..."

[ErinM]

The grass is always greener indeed.

I have heard the opposite as well, that loosing either or both screws with their identity as a woman.

If a mother ever said this to me I would as if she would give up ever having had her kids in favour of never having to deal with a period or PMS.

I would never want a period "just for the sake of it", but rather as part if taking the bad with the good.

[Ms Grace]

I consider myself female, uterus or not. It bothered me years ago, but I just had to learn to come to terms with and accept the things I couldn't change, and that was one of them!

[Northern Jane]

From early childhood I had always wanted children in the worst way and by 13 I knew that was never going to happen. It was pure hell for nearly 20 years as the young women around me were starting their families.

Some 30 yeas later I found out that I DO have a uterus! I became VERY VERY ANGRY!!!! I wondered what the possibilities may have been if my physical state had been propely investigated when I was young and what may have been possible if I had been properly treated instead of doctors just making assumptions. It is too late now but I still wont let them remove it. If it kills me, so be it.

[Nero]

From early childhood I had always wanted children in the worst way and by 13 I knew that was never going to happen. It was pure hell for nearly 20 years as the young women around me were starting their families.

Some 30 yeas later I found out that I DO have a uterus! I became VERY VERY ANGRY!!!! I wondered what the possibilities may have been if my physical state had been propely investigated when I was young and what may have been possible if I had been properly treated instead of doctors just making assumptions. It is too late now but I still wont let them remove it. If it kills me, so be it.

Oh wow, that had to be devastating. 

I feel the same way about mine. Kinda odd for a trans dude. But I'd much rather keep it, even though I never used it for it's main purpose and never will.

[CindyLouCovington]

Nature, or something, can sure pull some nasty, sadistic tricks!

[skin]

I always just try to think of how many people have it worse than I do.  The pain that comes with the disconnect between mind and body definitely sucks, but I do have my health.  There's countless people who would trade their issues for my dysphoria in a heartbeat.  This doesn't mean the pain caused by dysphoria isn't valid nor does it make it hurt less, but keeping it in perspective keeps me from dwelling on it for too long.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Every girl calls me lucky for not having a period,
so even though it bothers me I guess I d rather not be suffering every single month...

I guess...