Special Considerations for Dating as a Trans* Person

[Shaloxeroligon]

So I'm VERY early in the transitioning process (in that I haven't even considered whether it is right for me), and I'm just trying to get some information about what I might experience if I decide to move forward with transitioning. With that in mind, my question is this:

Are there any special things you need to consider when you're a trans* person in the dating scene? Are there things you need to avoid/look for? Any sort of general tips for newbies like me?

If there is already a thread for this topic, let me know.

[Jessica Merriman]

Are there any special things you need to consider when you're a trans* person in the dating scene? Are there things you need to avoid/look for? Any sort of general tips for newbies like me?

Tough question and you will get many different answers to choose from. This is my personal view and experience so far.

Things you need to consider? First you will have to think about if, when and how you will disclose you being trans. I personally disclose to anyone who shows interest in anything other than friendship or if I meet someone out and about who approaches me. I do this for a couple of reasons. First, it is hard to build a relationship based on deception. Second, some people could get violent if they think they have been misled or tricked. You will have to learn to up your protective instincts as well. This could be done by meeting strangers in very public locations the first couple of times, Park closer to stores at night, observe your surroundings closer and just be aware of how close people get to you. Simple safety tips.
Things to avoid and look for? In a word "->-bleeped-<-s". These are people who basically use and abuse because they like the thrill of dating transsexuals. A majority do not want a relationship and are only with you for exotic sex. Most if in some kind of relationship break it off if their partner has SRS. If you are into being used as an object, then ->-bleeped-<-s might be for you.
General tips I suppose would be to be honest, open and not pre judge how you think someone will respond if you show interest in them or they you. I avoid bars as potential hook up places as I have not experienced anything positive coming out of them. Just be yourself and relax and let the real you show through. Confidence in yourself attracts the right kind of attention.
Remember these are only my personal views and not by any means carved in stone. Hope some helps though.

[suzifrommd]

Some issues I face:

* Like Jessica said, when to disclose.

* The pool of available partners is greatly reduced. Even very open-minded people stop short when it comes to dating a trans person.

* There is a lot of resentment among many lesbians that we consider ourselves eligible dates on the lesbian dating scene.

[Shaloxeroligon]

Thanks for the tips.

I'll be honest, a lot of the things Jessica brought up kind of have me scared. Like, about people who just want to use you. Or the fear that people might get violent if they feel they've been "tricked." It's not something that I'm exactly ready for yet.

I really hope that the therapy I receive will help prepare me for some of these eventualities.

[suzifrommd]

Thanks for the tips.

I'll be honest, a lot of the things Jessica brought up kind of have me scared. Like, about people who just want to use you. Or the fear that people might get violent if they feel they've been "tricked." It's not something that I'm exactly ready for yet.

I really hope that the therapy I receive will help prepare me for some of these eventualities.

To be fair, these are things that all women face, not just transgender women. All women need to be aware that their dates could be violent, and to protect themselves until they really have the measure of the person they are dating. Likewise, all women (and men, for that matter) will meet people who will want to use them and will be deceptive about their intentions.

There is an easy remedy, though.

Time.

Take the time to get to know the people you are dating. Don't drive with them or meet them in a private place until you've learned a lot about them. Any jerk can pretend to be a nice guy for a few dates. To keep it up for months is much harder, and more than a lot of creeps have the stomach for.

And whatever you do, don't move in with someone or develop financial dependence until you've known them for many months. I can't imagine agreeing to live with someone whom I didn't know for at least a year.

[jussmoi4nao]

My best advice I can give is immediate disclosure. It's for your sake, really. The kinda guy that will want to date a transgirl will see you as a woman even if they know right away, and the kinda guythat won't see you as a woman if they know immediately won't ever be able to see you as one, most likely. So honestly, you save yourself time, heartache etc by just being upfront. Note: this is for pre/non OP tgirls, post OP is a whole other ball game.

Bear in mind, my experience is in dating men sothats where my advice comes from. But honestly? I really haven't had less luck or attention with full disclosure, so it's a win/win. There's a couple ->-bleeped-<-s here and there but nothing I can't handle. All around,dating isn't really thaat hard now, if we're talking strictly in terms offinding hot guys to goout with.

[Veronica M]

I don't know... For me I kind of put the whole dating thing aside for a bit until I have things straight in my head. Not that a good romp wouldn't be nice, but it's not a priority. I also agree with the other girls as to full disclosure right from the start. Yes eventually I want to find a nice guy at some point, but I think transition is complicated enough without the emotional clutter of adding a relationship to it.

[mandonlym]

I agree that disclosure is important pre-op but also keep in mind that your experience will vary greatly depending on your age and appearance. I started transition at 24 and was thin and little and blonde. Tons and tons of dates but very few relationship prospects. Just beware of being used, and have sex because you enjoy it, not because you need the validation. It wears on the soul after a while. That would probably be my biggest tip if I had to do it over. I was too enamored with being attractive and the ego-boost that came with that. It's affected my subsequent relationships in that I tend to often be more distrustful of men's motives than I should be.

[Teela Renee]

id let them know asap. so no ones feels get too hurt if either party cant cope.  Then id also carry a weapon.... Some people would disagree, but I never leave the house without my trench knife tucked away in my purse, and my beretta 45 on my hip.   and pepper spray on my keychain.

[Teela Renee]

My best advice I can give is immediate disclosure. It's for your sake, really. The kinda guy that will want to date a transgirl will see you as a woman even if they know right away, and the kinda guythat won't see you as a woman if they know immediately won't ever be able to see you as one, most likely. So honestly, you save yourself time, heartache etc by just being upfront. Note: this is for pre/non OP tgirls, post OP is a whole other ball game.

Bear in mind, my experience is in dating men sothats where my advice comes from. But honestly? I really haven't had less luck or attention with full disclosure, so it's a win/win. There's a couple ->-bleeped-<-s here and there but nothing I can't handle. All around,dating isn't really thaat hard now, if we're talking strictly in terms offinding hot guys to goout with.

just want to ad that sometimes you gotta beware of fetish'ers also, some of very secretive about it. I call them stealth ->-bleeped-<-s, they wont tell you they are attracted to your male bits, but as soon as you have GRS they wont want you physically anymore. its happened to a few MTF's I know.

[Missadventure]

And whatever you do, don't move in with someone or develop financial dependence until you've known them for many months. I can't imagine agreeing to live with someone whom I didn't know for at least a year.

Oh God did I learn that lesson the hard way. Although, in my case it was moving together with someone, and then accepting their financial dependence on me. But, either way. It's a good way to end up in a ->-bleeped-<-ty place.