I'm embarrassed

[MbutF]

I don't know where I should post this, but it feels like an old fashioned vent, so here is the place.

I'm embarrassed, i.e it's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed to have my gender identity issues, I'm embarrassed to even talk about it or seek answers. I click on 'new topic', I let it all out, type everything.... but then I'm either too ashamed of myself, too tired or too scared to click on 'post', so I just end up clicking on refresh or something and I log out. There's a voice in my head that says 'that's just... lame.... and stupid..., don't post it'. I feel like a self-centered, attention-seeking, selfish jerk when I need to talk about it.

It doesn't make any sense to me, nothing ever does. I've been told I'm handsome (I kinda believe it), I've been told I'm smart, I've been told I'm kind and caring, I get praised often. I think I have a nice mind too. What more can I want? but I'm still not happy like this, WHY?. I can't really tell anyone in real life, but I talk to people online, they ask me 'oh how does it feel?', the only thing I can do is use that overused cliche 'I feel like I'm trapped in the wrong body'. I know how it feels like, but 'I feel like I'm trapped in the wrong body', doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. I wish I could just 'loan' my brain out to someone who asks me how I feel, then they'll know how it feels for sure. They'll know what I'm going through.

I'm having a hard time even typing all this, because It's embarrassing, I feel like I'm only craving for attention, this thread is basically just 'hey look at me, I have problems and I'm not happy, listen to me!'. after I'm done posting this, I'll probably come across my stupid face in the mirror, and my face seems to mock my very existence.

Again it doesn't make any sense to me, why am I not happy the way I am ? (as a guy), I have been told I should accept myself, I have been told "I'm perfectly normal and there's nothing wrong with me", I don't think I'll ever accept myself, let alone think "I'm normal". I don't like to mince words, I am ashamed of myself for feeling this way. I'm guilty.

If i had a different body, I'd still be the same person, I'd still enjoy the same things I do now, I'd just be a lot more comfortable, I guess? But I'm not sure, because I can never be sure of anything. That's just the way I am. 

My friends often find me depressed and alone, with a blank expression on my face. They ask me 'what's wrong?', I can't really tell them what's wrong with me, because it'd change everything they thought they knew about me. It's too bad, because if they knew, the few friends I have will probably get the heck away from me if I told them the secret. I also feel like I'm cheating them too, because I'm living a lie, I'm projecting a lie. For the moment, I can't tell anyone, I can't do anything about my problem, so the internet is all I have, as lame as it sounds.

Sorry about this stupid rant, I'm having one of those days.

[Kara Jayde]

Hi, just wanted to say, it's all okay! This is what the forums are here for, it's okay to rant a little, vent a little. For a lot of us, who are pre-transition or non-transitioning, it's probably our only outlet. So let it alll out I know exactly what you're going through, because before I accepted myself, I constantly had those days where I'd stare at myself in the mirror, and it'd feel as if my true self was being mocked by my reflection. My entire life, I've suffered from severe dysphoria, a lack of comfort, a perpetual feeling that I am wrong, and no matter how much people say 'accept yourself for what you are, and what you were born as', it can only take you so far. I've suffered with depression and anxiety my entire life, basically because I kept trying to 'accept myself for who I was born as'.

That's why, come what may, I decided to begin the slow and gradual path to transition. This is just my path, but it makes me feel so much better in every single way, even though I look no different, I know now that I'm 'accepting' who I am, like so many people told me to do (but I'm not quite doing what they suggested, haha, or else I'd be a miserable 'male' my entire life). My suggestion to you is to accept who you are, no matter what that means, accept who you really are, and then, figure out what it means to truly accept yourself.

Feel free to open up some more, especially if you have questions. So many of us are going through something similar, and it really helped me to realize I wasn't alone in my dysphoric struggle.

[MbutF]

Thank you Nattie, your reply gives me a lot of comfort, I guess I shouldn't feel alone. I wonder how long it will take for me to truly 'accept' myself. Every time I 'think' I'm beginning to understand myself, new questions arise that need answers, but that's just life I guess.

One thing that does make me happier is reading other peoples' stories about how they found happiness. That's why I'm here.

[Kara Jayde]

Thank you Nattie, your reply gives me a lot of comfort, I guess I shouldn't feel alone. I wonder how long it will take for me to truly 'accept' myself. Every time I 'think' I'm beginning to understand myself, new questions arise that need answers, but that's just life I guess.

One thing that does make me happier is reading other peoples' stories about how they found happiness. That's why I'm here.

Hehe, there's always more things to discover about yourself, but for me, it was a struggle between the apparent ''craziness' of transitioning, and the 'craziness' inside my head (I'm not a woman, this is nuts, I have to stop, what am I doing!). It took a while to just relax and accept who I was, and I did it through reading about other peoples experiences here and watching transition videos on youtube. They always make me cry, haha. I get so emotional over it because it's like watching somebody achieve freedom, and that's how I know it's my only real option...

[Ms Grace]

You shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed. It's a support forum, not everyone will be able to help or offer support but usually someone can. Being stuck alone in your head won't get you very far. It sounds to me like you need to find someone you can talk about these feelings with - preferably a professional gender counsellor. There isn't anything to ashamed of, they've heard it all before, they won't judge and the only thing thing they should care about is getting you the help you need. it's quite common for most trans* people to feel confusion, the feelings of shame arise because society isn't geared towards gender diversity, and projects some fairly negative messages about being 'non-cis'. A counsellor should be able to help you deal with that too...

[Cindy]

No need to be embarrassed. I tried with complete failure to live as a man most of my life. I was terrified when I started this path, but as Grace said a good therapist is everything. They have heard it all before, my first session began with 'Hi my name is XXX, what name do you wish me to use for you, I whispered 'Cindy' it was the first step to happiness. That day I walked out of his office to the secretarial area where everyone called me Cindy and totally accepted me. I was wearing guy clothes and had facial hair and a short male hair cut.

They ALL accepted me, as they will you. There is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Let us all help you become the young woman you are.

Hugs Honey

[Ltl89]

I understand where you are coming from.  It's hard being in a minority group such as the lgbt community and it often creates a lot of embarrassment.  While I too feel the same way and struggle with the fact that I'm trans, it doesn't mean that we should be ashamed or embarrassed for who we are.  Ultimately those who take issue with us have no reason for judging us.  It's not fair for them to place standards on us and force us to live as their image of who we should be.  But.... I also know how social approval and validation is desireable.  And I know how hard rejection and societal backlash can be.  I don't want to tell you how things will go or what's best for you because I don't know.  That's up to you to discover.  What I did want to say is that there is no reason to feel shame here.  Many here are going through or have went through similar things.  You don't have to worry about embarrassing yourself or opening up to the community here.  It's okay.

[MbutF]

I understand where you are coming from.  It's hard being in a minority group such as the lgbt community and it often creates a lot of embarrassment.  While I too feel the same way and struggle with the fact that I'm trans, it doesn't mean that we should be ashamed or embarrassed for who we are.  Ultimately those who take issue with us have no reason for judging us.  It's not fair for them to place standards on us and force us to live as their image of who we should be.  But.... I also know how social approval and validation is desireable.  And I know how hard rejection and societal backlash can be.  I don't want to tell you how things will go or what's best for you because I don't know.  That's up to you to discover.  What I did want to say is that there is no reason to feel shame here.  Many here are going through or have went through similar things.  You don't have to worry about embarrassing yourself or opening up to the community here.  It's okay.

I accept everyone else, but... I only have trouble accepting myself. I'd be the first to tell someone it's not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about... but I have a hard time telling myself the same thing... if it makes any sense.

Thank you, I'll try to open up when I can.

I don't have a problem with anyone here, I think everyone here is kind and supportive. I feel like I should be here.

[MbutF]

Thank you grace, cindy.

That was great advice. I do love to talk, a lot, and yes I will seek help sooner or later.

more importantly, you do understand me, and that makes me feel better.

Just a few days ago, I posted a different kind of topic -'On somedays I feel less'-, and now this, sometimes my gender dysphoria is really high, other times low, other times non-existent. It's so very confusing.

Thank you guys and girls, I don't feel alone.

[Ltl89]

I accept everyone else, but... I only have trouble accepting myself. I'd be the first to tell someone it's not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about... but I have a hard time telling myself the same thing... if it makes any sense.

Thank you, I'll try to open up when I can.

I don't have a problem with anyone here, I think everyone here is kind and supportive. I feel like I should be here.

Oh, believe me, I know exactly what you are saying and often feel the same way.  It's okay.  Take your time and share what you feel comfortable sharing.  Self acceptance and opening up are both a process that require time and effort, so don't feel discouraged.  While I know this is incredibly rich coming from me, I just wanted to say that.

[MbutF]

Hehe, there's always more things to discover about yourself, but for me, it was a struggle between the apparent ''craziness' of transitioning, and the 'craziness' inside my head (I'm not a woman, this is nuts, I have to stop, what am I doing!). It took a while to just relax and accept who I was, and I did it through reading about other peoples experiences here and watching transition videos on youtube. They always make me cry, haha. I get so emotional over it because it's like watching somebody achieve freedom, and that's how I know it's my only real option...

I wish I could cry, but I'm not a crying kind of person, ha. I sometimes get close to, but I stop. I know what you mean though, I watch those videos too, while it makes me happy, it also kinda makes me feel bad about myself.

(I'm not a woman, this is nuts, I have to stop, what am I doing!)

oh my god, I feel so much better after you said that, thank you, the voice in my head says that to me all the time. oh Nattie, THANK YOU!!! I'm glad someone feels that way too, and I'm not the only one.

[Veronica M]

With the exception of some of the SO's on this site I think every single one of us are and or did experience what you are going through. As Nattie put it so well the (I'm not a woman, this is nuts, I have to stop, what am I doing!) is a fear we all have or had. Also, during transition this is is one that will pop up many times as well. It took me 45 years to actually get the nerve to find a therapist and begin this journey. So you are not alone for sure.

One thing I will say, after my first therapy session there was a peace I hadn't felt in many many years. And yes even now that guy in my head likes to mess with me, but I have to say I am much more relaxed and comfortable with who I am. Every week I look forward to seeing my therapist as we get along very well and she is giving me insight to the feeling I am having. Sometime I am not always totally comfortable with what she is saying or asking, but I know she has my best interest at heart. This is a long journey, take time to breath and relax. Being yourself and liking yourself is the most important thing you can do with your life. Nurture and embrace it.

[MbutF]

Thank you Veronica,

I thought everybody except myself was sure, but now I know I'm wrong. When people like you admit you've had your confusions and still have 'that guy in your head that messes with you', it makes me feel more at ease with myself.

[JoanneB]

I never used the word 'Embarrassed', Shame and Guilt have been my life long friends. By about every metric society in general can apply, I have a great life. I've been professionally successful. More then that, I've been part of some pretty cool and exciting things. I get paid well. I've never really been out of work since I was 14. I have a wife who is my best friend, soul mate, and cares more for my happiness than her own. OK, not so big on the handsome department by any means, yet somehow very beautiful and desireable women fell in love with me. ( That ole, "You're not like other guys...." line, as painful as it is to recall sort of proves looks aren't everything ).

None of these I could credit for. None of these were really me. None of these I could even believe I barely deserve. All because none of these were gained by ME. It was an actor, a Hollywood facade. Not the real me. I was just playing a part that was asked.

Yet in some small way pieces of me were there. Which is why I saw back when I needed to take on the trans beast once and for all, I needed to somehow find a way to bring these two very large and very important aspects of myself together to make one whole and healthy person. After 6 years I am still not fully there, but far better than I was. It hasn't been easy. It has been painfull. I lived some of the most joyous moments ever in my life.

[Finnyh]

You do belong here! People will want to know what's up and what's getting you down. I've had a wonderful and positive experience on here so far, and there's a lot of love. I really hope you find acceptance for yourself soon, because you're worth just as much as any one of us. I've had the days I've felt like I'm sub-human and worthless, and thought of nothing but suicide etc - it feels like it will never end. As I'm coming to terms with my mind and physical body being misaligned, in fact, the happier I feel. Because you CAN change it. You can make changes to how you look and act at your own pace and it will come together in the end. That's the exciting part. you're not as stuck as you might think.

I hope you find some friends on here, because we're all willing to be yours too.

[E-Brennan]

I'm having a hard time even typing all this, because It's embarrassing, I feel like I'm only craving for attention, this thread is basically just 'hey look at me, I have problems and I'm not happy, listen to me!'.

You are not alone, MbutF, and I'm glad you took the time to post your innermost feelings about your gender identity issues.  That alone took some courage.

First of all, nobody here sees you as someone who is seeking attention.  Why?  Because we've all gone through the same thought process at some point in time.  We understand that your problems are real, not just a cry for help or a way to stand out from the crowd.  We know the pain and confusion you're experiencing.

And because we know the pain and confusion is real, because we know how embarrassing it can be to get these issues out in the open, nobody here will ever make you feel unwelcome, stupid, fake, or small.  We won't dismiss your problems as pretend or silly.  We know that what you're feeling is real.

You're among friends here, whether you know it yet or not.  Your identity is safe here, and nothing that you post under your pseudonym will leak into your life beyond this site.  Please, ask the questions that are bothering you, even if they seem ridiculous and not worthy of even being asked in the first place.  I did, and this community was outstanding in helping me through the initial stages.  I, and everyone else here, would be most grateful for the opportunity to pay that help forward by assisting people like you through their own struggles.

Please stick around.  You'll be glad you did - I promise.   

[Sephirah]

Sweetie, if your body is not yours then it's not yours. That's all there needs to be to it. You don't need to justify wanting to match the self-image you have of yourself. Heck, you could have the body of Adonis, the wealth of ages, be successful in any field you care to mention... have all the trappings of a seemingly perfect life but in the end... if it's not you then it's not you.

Why can't you be happy being a man? Because if you don't feel you're a man then it's like trying to walk in sneakers two sizes too small because they're the latest hot thing. The fact that everyone thinks they're awesome doesn't make them hurt you any less.

*huggles*

You really don't have anything to be embarrassed about, hon. You want to be yourself. We all want that. And there's nothing wrong with wanting that. The disconnect and dysphoria hurts. It just does. No matter how many people say you should just accept what you have and make the most of it. Even when you think that yourself. It still hurts. Because the problem is more fundamental than what you have in your life... it stems from who you are in your heart.

You just want to be you. And need an outlet to express how that feels. We all need support sometimes, sweetie. Everyone. It's not attention seeking, it's asking for help. And that is not a weakness, it's a strength.

[Veronica M]

Thank you Veronica,

I thought everybody except myself was sure, but now I know I'm wrong. When people like you admit you've had your confusions and still have 'that guy in your head that messes with you', it makes me feel more at ease with myself.

You are most welcome... Now go out there and knock um dead... You deserve it.

[Rachel]

MbutF, hugs, you are among friends that walk the same path.

I bear my innermost thoughts here and get support and welcoming.

When I did an intake I met the 1st person who provided welcoming and understanding of how I feel. My gender therapist was the second person. I came out to a bunch of people (2 last week) and all were accepting to welcoming, except one who tolerates (my wife).

I had the war in my head too, the who I am (her) and the who others knew (him). The battles were endless and got progressively worse, till the last battle. I ended the war and she won! But I did it with a lot of work and help. I was embarrassed, scared and nervous but persisted.

After 13 months I am entering into the early pride phase, my identity is growing and I know what I want. I feel pretty good about myself and I want to be aligned, mind and body.

Caution about the videos, take 5 years and compress it to 2 minutes and you miss 5 years of work and growth. What you do not see is how it feels.

[MbutF]

You are not alone, MbutF, and I'm glad you took the time to post your innermost feelings about your gender identity issues.  That alone took some courage.

First of all, nobody here sees you as someone who is seeking attention.  Why?  Because we've all gone through the same thought process at some point in time.  We understand that your problems are real, not just a cry for help or a way to stand out from the crowd.  We know the pain and confusion you're experiencing.

And because we know the pain and confusion is real, because we know how embarrassing it can be to get these issues out in the open, nobody here will ever make you feel unwelcome, stupid, fake, or small.  We won't dismiss your problems as pretend or silly.  We know that what you're feeling is real.

You're among friends here, whether you know it yet or not.  Your identity is safe here, and nothing that you post under your pseudonym will leak into your life beyond this site.  Please, ask the questions that are bothering you, even if they seem ridiculous and not worthy of even being asked in the first place.  I did, and this community was outstanding in helping me through the initial stages.  I, and everyone else here, would be most grateful for the opportunity to pay that help forward by assisting people like you through their own struggles.

Please stick around.  You'll be glad you did - I promise.   

Thank you, I feel very welcome, and everyone so far has been kind to me. Just knowing that I'm not alone keeps me going.

I will.

I will try to open up, for sure.