Stuck in a dark tunnel looking for the light. How did you find it?

[Paige]

Have you seen her photos? If LTL needs FFS, then so do 80% of cis women too.

Agreed, LTL has an amazing female face.  Quite jealous.

[Northern Jane]

Wow! Yes, I know that place and remember it clearly, how everything looked hopeless.

I was diagnosed at the age of 16, started hormones at 17, but in those days the only SRS was being done in Morocco and was RIDICULOUSLY expensive WAY beyond what I could afford and even more than my parents could have managed (if they had been supportive!) I was suicidal by my early 20s. One night, at the age of 24, just before Christmas in 1973, I had gone as far as I thought I could go so I put a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger. The gun misfired, didn't go off, and a voice from the darkness said "Not yet. Hang on just a little longer." I was not a religious person and didn't believe in much but I had never heard voices before. I wept a great deal but I felt, for the first time, that maybe there was something coming so I waited.

Within a matter of days I heard about Dr. Biber setting up his practice in Colorado. Within 2 week my doctor send him my file and a few weeks later he asked me to come to Colorado to meet him. On Easter weekend in 1974 I was in Colorado, had my surgery on Easter Monday, and began a whole new life.

In a matter of weeks I had gone from death's door to the life I always dreamed of and yet, a few months earlier, it all seemed unattainable!

All I can say is HANG IN THERE! You never know what might be just around the corner!

[Vicky]

The parts from several other posts above, give pieces of my puzzle as well.  In 2008 I was trying to kill myself on meds and booze.  Fate, or a Higher Power stepped in, and kicked me in the direction of honesty with people I had been sure would not help me, not understand my needs, and would kill me the way I had planned on doing myself.  It was a day by day, one step at a time existence though to come out and just be me. 

My emergence to full time was actually after the suicide of a family member when I realized I really did have a reason to live.  I did go through an Andro period while my hair grew long (I was on HRT at the time, nevertheless) and did allow some behaviors to go over the line, but one day came and I knew that I would do the same thing tomorrow IF I became myself that day!!  Today I work with an online AA /NA meeting for TG people, and I am nearly 15 months post op and I am 66 years old.

[Ltl89]

Thanks everyone for all your feedback and responses!  Sorry for my delay, but I want give each response the consideration and reply it deserves, so I'm going to take respond within the next two days as I'm a bit mentally exhausted from work today.

I just wanted to say thank you though to everyone that has given me both a productive and considerate post.  Honestly, I know that I can be an annoying and frustrating person, so I appreciate some of you for sticking by me as a friend while I learn how to figure things out for myself.  And I guess having the perspective from those who have been there and done that or from those in the same boat is very valuable to me.  I've got no doubt that I have much to learn and a lot of growing to do.  And I also realize that my perspectives may be skewed or that I may be going about things wrong.  Sometimes when we are so emotionally attached to our situations or directly impacted by these things, we may not always see or appreciate all angles. I can appreciate and accept that.  Learning from our mistakes and growing from experience is part of life. But as of right now, I'm trying to figure out my place in it, learn what really is the "right" solution to improving my situation.  At the end of the day, much of that is a very individual thing that can differ from person, so thank you for bearing with me even though how I deal with things or go about my transition may be frustrating at times to others.   For those of you who have stuck by me as a friend and have been helping me find my own path, I really thank you.  Some of you have helped in more ways than one and it is appreciated.  Seriously, thank for that as well as being a friend during this process which means a lot. 

[Ltl89]

Sorry for not getting back quickly.  It takes a bit out of me to respond at times and I'm great at procrastination.  But here I am and I have some kava to help me mellow out, so let's give it a shot.


Thanks Evelyn.  I don't know whether my expectations are high or not.  All I really want is to be seen as and accepted as female, have a normal social life, meet some nice guy who can accept me, find a job where I fit in and am accpeted and that's really it.  I'm not reaching for something too far for me to obtain, but then again even those things sound impossible for me. 

Thanks Julie.  I live in NY so you would think it's more accepting and understanding, but where I live is a bit more conservative.   And the idea of not passing really is too much for me to bare.  I don't know if I'll bee able to handle this.

Thanks Grace.  I guess I can't help but feel that passing is impossible for me.  Like I will never be taken seriously as female.  And my short little stint out sort of proved that to me.  Yeah, no one else looked at me other than those jerks, but hey they noticed enough to see me as a "->-bleeped-<-"  My therapist told me that I should see it as a compliment because I was aiming for more andro than anything overt and they took me as a transgirl.  But I don't know if that's really a compliment.  I'm glad you found that inner strength.  I really want that.  However, I really just don't know how to get there. 

Thanks FA.  It's very sweet of you to say all that.  I just don't know if it really is going to get better.  It all seems so uncertain and like I'm just gambling with my life.  Don't get me wrong, the gamble is worth it as I have no choice, but I don't know if I'll come out of it okay.

Thanks Crow.  I've been planning everything out and learning through experimentation, but I don't know.  The way I see myself is very different from how others see me.  Like I see a gigantic monster everytime I look in the mirror, but I doubt that what ever sees.  It's hard for me to tell what works and what does't.  I'm getting a better sense of that, but who knows maybe everyone will be able to see through ad think that's a man dressed up.  I can't go through that again.

Thanks Joanna.  I know it's not a race.  It's just when is my life going to start?  When does it all begin?  To be honest, I'm miserable with how things are going and feel as close to suicidal without actually being that.  If I want a change and all of my dreams to come true, don't I have to work towards it?  I suppose June may be too soon, but I can't wait forever either.  I just don't know what to do.  As for what they did, well they called me a ->-bleeped-<- and pointed and laughed at me.  I'm over it now, but it just reminds me of my childhood and things I've never been able to move passed.  Maybe it was one time and it won't happen again, but I'm afraid to test that out.   

Thanks Cynthia.  I guess I could always dress up and go out with friends.  I want to do this, but I've been too afraid to reach out.  I'm very socially awkward and hate being the person to reach out.  It's not something that comes easily to me.  And when I do, I feel horrible like I'm making someone do something they don't want to do and spend time with a oser freak like myself.   I highly doubt that the few friends I have even really like me.

Thanks Sammy for all your kind words.  Maybe once I let everything go then it will become easier.

Thanks innaika.  I'm sure we could all benefit from FFS, but I don't have the money for that and I'm really not convinced that I need too much work done.  Yeah, I hate my nose and need to cover my hair line a bit, but otherwise it's not too bad.  I'm 25, so it could be much worse and I do count my blessing all the time.  It's just that I'm not there yet.  I don't know.

Thanks Cindy.  However, I don't know if I can really develop that sort of armor.  I don't feel I have it in me as of yet and I'm at a loss about how to develop it.

Thanks Antonia.  I suppose it's a trait I'll have to learn and not be taught.  Sucks though.

Thanks Joanne.  Again, I suppose only time and experience will help me through this. 

Thank Kathy.  Honestly, this is the only path I think I have.  I can't quit right now and couldn't imagine doing that.  If and when I do, I probably won't be alive.  It's just getting past this stage and finding a way through it that elludes me.

Thanks Meagan.  I suppose that's part of my problem.  I really don't have a support function other than this forum.  It makes things harder when you really don't feel there is anybody you could turn to or that they would even care if you did. 

Thanks Eve.  See, it's not really that I question what's for the best, I just don't know how to get passed this phase of being afraid and scared of everything.  Like I know what I want, but I'm not sure it's obtainable in the long run.

Thanks Paige, that is really sweet of you.

Thanks Jane.  At the very least, your story provides some sense of hope.  Thank you for sharing. 

Tahnks Vicky.  It's nice to hear some other people were once in my shoes only to make it passed this.