I think I need help.

[Fever]

I'm little embarrassed to be posting on here, but I suppose it's necessary.
I'm a girl, but I think I might actually be a boy. I thought I was a boy when I was a little girl until I went into kindergarten and met other little girls and saw how they acted, so I pushed those masculine thoughts to the back of my mind, or really to my unconscious.. Every night I dream as if I was a boy, which I never payed much attention to until I told my mom, and she advised me to do a bit more research on the topic. I'm okay with the way I look and I'm positive that I'm heterosexual, but I feel like something is almost missing from my identity which really scares me. I'm disgusted with myself sometimes and I feel unclean.. I just want to rip out what makes me female and dump it in the trash, but those feelings could just come from other events that have happened in my life I'm not completely sure yet.. I like to dress in cute girly clothes and I still wear a bit of makeup so maybe I'm just being silly, but I still can't shake the feeling of dissatisfaction in my identity. Sometimes I even forget I'm female and I have to remind myself.. Is it possible to be transsexual, but still heterosexual? Is it possible to still dress feminine and be a boy? Am I just over-thinking everything and just stick with what I know best? Please help me..

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Hhhhm
Yes you can look like a girl and feel like a boy...
now whether you want to look like a boy its up to you.
Also dont forget that sexuality has nothing to do with gender identity

try searching more about gender identity in general not only transexualism, I think you may find some answers if you do it...

Can I ask you something, do you feel like a boy all the time?

oh welcome btw

[DriftingCrow]

Hello Fever, you've come to the right place. Lots of people here have been in your shoes and can offer support, advice, and love.

Perhaps you can try to see a Gender Therapist who may be able to help you figure things out. See if one is in your area or look into many of the therapists who do sessions on-line.

BTW, be sure to review the following:

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See you around

[Fever]

I suppose I'll have to do more research..
I don't really think about my gender too often, but I do get comforting thoughts when I view my life as being a boy if that makes sense at all..

[Bombadil]

You have a lot going on there. I know it can be confusing. I think that a therapist could really help you sort things out.  There are ftm (female to male) who are attracted to men. It's possible. And a lot of us go through a stage where we dress up girly. You might want to ask yourself why you do.

I'll tell you a bit about myself. I'm 43 and just starting on this rode to transition. I was born female but I have never identified as female. As a kid I identified as male and I fought being female until puberty hit. I have never liked dressing up. I have done it and sometimes felt "pretty', but it also always felt wrong and awkward. I have always had male interests. When I was young, there just wasn't information about being transgender so I had no way to understand what was going on with me. And I was sexually abused most of my life, so some of my issues, I thought had to do with that. Feeling unclean, for me, is a sexual abuse issue. Wanting to hide my female body is both a sexual abuse issue and trans issue. Wanting to be rid of my female parts is a trans issue. For me, I couldn't even begin to sort out my gender identity until I'd done a lot of hard work with a therapist on my abuse issues. It also really helped to understand that gender isn't just two choices. It's a spectrum and you don't have to fit neatly into what you think is a male category or female category

We can't sort this out for you and tell you who you are. You are definitely not being silly. This is a good place to learn. Others will mention that there are therapists who specialize in gender issues so they are really good at helping you figure things out.

[Fever]

I actually am seeing a therapist and she told me to do more research on the topic and offered me a bunch a books that could help me out.
I'm sorry that you went through so much in your life and you've had to wait until now to be who you truly are. That must have been so difficult.

[Finnyh]

Let me start off and say: hey Fever.  You're in good hands on this forum.

I was born female, identify with being male, but I'm into guys. I'm not ashamed of that and it doesn't mean anything. Other than I want a relationship with another guy. I don't mind never being manly. I'm okay looking feminine.
I think I'll just do whatever feels good. If one summer's day I want to wear a dress, then I'll just be a boy in a dress. The things you enjoy as a female don't have to end because you identify as another gender there are plenty of trans boys that retain female qualities and never strive to me a 'man'. I'm perfectly okay being gay.

I hope after a little while here you won't feel alone. This is the friendliest place you'll find.

[Fever]

Thank you, Finnyh ^.^
I suppose I was being silly thinking I couldn't wear a skirt or dress anymore 

[Finnyh]

You're not being silly at all, don't worry. There's a lot to get your head around, so, baby steps. If there's anything else I can help with, don't be afraid to message me.

[Fever]

Thank you so much, and I definitely will if I have questions ^.^

[Edge]

I pretty much just want to repeat what everyone else said.
Hi! Yes, you can be a boy and still be attracted to males since gender and orientation are two different things.
Clothes and gender are also different things. It doesn't even have to make one "girly." Many manly metalheads wear skirts.

[Fever]

Good point, Edge.
Do you think anyone on this forum could explain to me what their mind felt like before they knew they were a boy? Mine feels relatively iced over and like it doesn't fit with the way my body looks.. sorry if explaining how you feel would be too personal..

[Finnyh]

Felt like an act. Like the way I'd sit wouldn't be acceptable so I'd cross my legs instead. I would put my hands in my pockets and feel like it wasn't 'proper' to do so. I never took any genuine interest in clothes or makeup. Didn't care at all about my hair. Only thing I enjoyed doing was my nails. Wanted no attention to my chest or hips, didn't have any interest in sex whatsoever. In those times before I'd fall asleep I'd fantasise about being a boy...and being a girl in those daydreams felt like I was being something of a pervert? I guess. I always said to people 'I'm a really bad female'. Never sought out female friends, even though I do have some, I feel uncomfortable with most, like I have to say certain things to fit in, and to pretend I'm interested in stuff that I'm not. Hell if I could tell my old work colleagues (all of whom were female) that I was into games and cars, wanted to wear guys' clothes and endlessly fantasised about being male.

I thought they were literally just fantasies. I put the dysphoria down to not being happy with my body shape AS female body shapes go, and then it soon came to light that I became jealous of those with 'boyish' shapes. I was pretty oblivious to everything and put it down to being a tomboy. Something was always missing down below though and I used to want to be mistaken for a boy when I was a kid. I didn't want anyone to know I was a girl. It was like a badge of shame, for me. I would have done anything to go back to my birth and have been born male. Absolutely ANYTHING. Growing up as a boy has been robbed from me, but it's not all bad. Sometimes being a girl was okay when I felt 'pretty'.

Now I'm happy to admit to myself I'm guy. I like being called 'man' and 'dude' and whatever else casual terms guys come out with. I feel wrong to say stuff like 'I don't sleep around - I'm not that kind of girl'. Always did despise referring to myself as female. Even on forms. Felt wrong. Choosing female characters on games felt wrong too, so I was always the guy because it felt right.

How about you?

[Fever]

I guess I never really was too interested in clothes and makeup until I was in 8th grade. I never really cared what I looked like, I just let my mom pick cloth for me and I was okay with it. My older sister started pushing me into makeup as I got older and it kind of turned into a contest of who could turn the most heads. I suppose I'm just really competitive. I wore less makeup and dressed less girly as I reached sophomore year, but that was the year my life kind of took a wrong turn I guess and I had to move away from my old school because of it.. anyway, I've also never been comfortable with other girls and liked to be with guys more. If I had friends that were girls, then they were more masculine. Ever since I moved I've dressed more girly to try to get more friends and even wore more makeup, but I feel like a clown.. I like leggings and big sweaters a a lot, and I'm starting to notice that I like to cover my body. I usually leave my tighter clothes in my closet.. I suppose I've always been interested in sex, but I guess that goes along with that I think I'll always prefer boys.. And I do really like cute girly tight clothes, but I'm an artist and the female body and is really interesting to m when it comes to that aspect.. I think I'm starting to ramble.. I'm sorry  

[Edge]

Good point, Edge.
Do you think anyone on this forum could explain to me what their mind felt like before they knew they were a boy? Mine feels relatively iced over and like it doesn't fit with the way my body looks.. sorry if explaining how you feel would be too personal..

Sometimes, I'd get glimpses of the fact that I was really a boy. Like I'd think that, by some miracle, I was going to turn out to be physically at least part boy or I'd point to someone and say "I want to look like that" which got some strange looks and people reminding me that's a guy and I wasn't (or so they thought). Then I'd get confused because I thought it was impossible, I had to be a girl, and I'd push it away. Technically, I was temporarily successful at that, but it felt kind of surreal to think of myself as a girl.
Although I doubt this is gender related, I also was never really that into make-up and fancy appearance things. I liked clothes and worried about my hair, but wasn't really willing to put much work into my appearance.

[Greeneyedrebel]

I'm still trying to figure out if I am a guy.....or somewhere along a spectrum. But what other guys here are saying is resonating with me. Especially the comment about choosing "male" characters in games. EVERY single computer game I have played that I can remember (XBox, Playstation, PC...even the silly Facebook "Farmville" stuff) has been a guy.

I find myself having a mental image of myself right now that isn't fully male, but isn't what I am now either. There is plenty of room for everyone. Guys in skirts or dresses, guys in suits with enough body hair to resemble Chewbacca....and anywhere in between. So don't worry if the "YOU" that makes you feel the best wears a skirt or dress one day and cargo pants with a hockey jersey the next.

[Fever]

That makes a lot of sense.. I'm going to need to do a lot of research..

[Ltl89]

There is no right or wrong way to be either trans or a man.  I think so many guys are pressured at an early age to adopt a certain persona and avoid anything deemed feminine.  That doesn't mean that there aren't guys out there that can enjoy things that are considered more feminine.  And there is nothing wrong with being a gay guy.  If it's fine for cis-men, then why should it be unacceptable for you?  Don't let societal pressures or expectations dictate your identity.  What's most important is that you follow a path that allows you to be true to yourself as well as comfortable about how you proceed.  Good luck with everything!

[Fever]

There is no right or wrong way to be either trans or a man.  I think so many guys are pressured at an early age to adopt a certain persona and avoid anything deemed feminine.  That doesn't mean that there aren't guys out there that can enjoy things that are considered more feminine.  And there is nothing wrong with being a gay guy.  If it's fine for cis-men, then why should it be unacceptable for you?  Don't let societal pressures or expectations dictate your identity.  What's most important is that you follow a path that allows you to be true to yourself as well as comfortable about how you proceed.  Good luck with everything!

You're right. I shouldn't worry about that stuff.. I should only focus on figuring out who I am. Thank you ^.^

[Greeneyedrebel]

There is no right or wrong way to be either trans or a man.  I think so many guys are pressured at an early age to adopt a certain persona and avoid anything deemed feminine.  That doesn't mean that there aren't guys out there that can enjoy things that are considered more feminine.  And there is nothing wrong with being a gay guy.  If it's fine for cis-men, then why should it be unacceptable for you?  Don't let societal pressures or expectations dictate your identity.  What's most important is that you follow a path that allows you to be true to yourself as well as comfortable about how you proceed.  Good luck with everything!

I think I needed to hear that today too. Thank you!!!!