An update on how I'm being treated at work/any advice?

[Shana-chan]

So a good while back (3 months ago) I finally got justice and was allowed to use the women's restroom, wear my female uniform and anything else female wise, the people at work were to call me by female pronouns and by my preferred name that I came up with even though I've yet to have it legally changed. I had come out to my boss, my boss' boss and someone very high up in the HR department and even went to the EEOC (It wasn't necessary to have their help given what the HR department said which I just said) and for 3 months I have had to deal with pain stackingly  wait for people to get their acts together and call me by the correct pronouns while at times still having to put up with them calling me by my old name and male pronouns, luckily the name which is female they quickly started calling me by and have mostly done so. Still it's a female only name, yet they misgender me often and for 3 months none the less with very little improvement on the matter yet the name it was almost instant for most... Needless to say, there have been few questions asked, the employees weren't told I'm trans, only to call me by **** name and female pronouns and if they had any questions to ask me. I don't plan on telling them I'm trans but still, my patients and tolerance is wearing thin, to the point I'm about ready to A) Scream at them and get mad which would be bad and B) either with A or not, tell them how would you like it if someone misgendered you, especially all the time? I have told them several times I am not a guy, don't call me sir, or the old name when that happened and only the name and male pronouns such as sir are being worked on where as I am usually called  a he, him, his. -_- I need help and advice please! I've already gone to my boss and asked him to tell everyone again but he says it's up to me to do that as he's already told them all (No, you missed 1-2 fyi boss and now I may have to tell them myself..) and so, other than go to HIS boss, I don't know what to do or how to keep my patients up...

sorry for my rambling.. oh and, incase you're wondering, I'm still being treated nicely at work and a good atmosphere besides the miss gendering problem and such...

[Ms Grace]

Is it everyone misgendering you, or just so few recalcitrants? You say you have a women's uniform, how different is it from the men's? Does it help to create a visual enough difference for them to tell at a glance you are presenting as female? I'm not suggesting you don't pass but it would seem that for these people something isn't quite clicking. Getting angry with them or trying to guilt trip them will only make you seem like the unreasonable one - I would suggest trying to understand the cause of the problem and that way a solution might present itself. Say to them, "you've been asked by management to use she/her, why do you keep saying he/him? I actually find it demeaning/distressing/disrespectful, would you please use the right pronouns or at least tell me why you won't?" See what happens then!

[dkl]

I have a similar problem, except I came out two years ago. I understand the problem in my situation, however it doesn't make it any easier. People at my workplace have known me for a very long time, and I always had a somewhat feminine appearance; so their mind is having a hard time adjusting to the change. I've told the President of the company that after SRS I may end up having to leave the company because of this, and he keeps saying to give it time.

I have a hard time correcting people when I know it's unintentional, and they just can't wrap their minds around it. So unfortunately I have not found a solution yet; with the possible exception of finding another place to work that does not know my history. Not the best solution but...........

[suzifrommd]

If someone doesn't immediately correct themselves when reminded, then that is disrespect. If it is creating a hostile work environment, you have the right to go to your supervisor and ask management to work with that person.

WRITE DOWN every time it happens, with whom, and how management reacts when you bring it to your attention.

[Brooke777]

You said that the general population was not informed that you are transgender. I suggest you utilize the EEOC to provide training to the employees on how to properly address, and work with someone who is transgender. If they understand what is going on, and are provided with the information they need, they will more than likely change their behavior. As it stands, they probably don't understand what is going on, and why what they are doing is wrong. Help them.

[Veronica M]

First off be thankful you have a boss that is understanding... As a norm, this probably wouldn't be the case. As to the others, I'd say be polite yet assertive. I think if you do that one they will come around, and two since you didn't fly off the handle they will respect you more in the long run.

Edit: As someone who has been an employer, I wouldn't care about a persons gender role, but if it started effecting the work flow and bottom line, it could become an issue. So you might want to keep that in mind.

[kountrygurl]

Yea same problem for me to. Its been 2 months since I came out at work. Several of the people I have worked with for nearly 15 yrs and it seems they are the ones having the hardest time using my new name or she/her instead of he/him. I'm trying to be very patient with everyone but its hard. I've just started correcting people this past week mostly because every time it happens lately its like they're pushing a dagger in deeper and deeper. Most have been apologetic when I've corrected them but it still hurts. And like Veronica mentioned I am working very hard to not create a disruptive work place because upper management really frowns on that sort of thing. I've done a pretty good job keeping them on my side, in fact they've commented on how much my demeanor and attitude have improved. They also said my productivity has improved quite a bit also.

[alabamagirl]

I'd give the ones misgendering me a thorough, polite explanation on why it's disrespectful and how important it is to be gendered correctly, then if it continues like it has for any significant length of time, go to your boss and tell him that you did exactly what he said and things have not improved. If he refuses to do anything about it, go to his higher-ups. This can't go on forever. It's creating a toxic work environment for you and there's really no excuse for them to misgender you after you've given them an explanation and time to adjust. Take Suzi's advice and keep a record of how you're being treated by your co-workers and your higher-ups as well.

[FTMDiaries]

If everyone has been informed of your name & pronoun preferences, they should all be making every effort to use them. However, if they've only known for 3 months, I'm afraid you can expect the occasional mistake. As long as your colleagues correct themselves when they slip up and aren't doing it deliberately, I think the kindest thing all-round is for you to ignore the occasional mistake and give them time to get used to your new status.

However, if they don't correct themselves or seem to be doing it deliberately - particularly if they do it repeatedly - I'd pull them to one side and have a friendly chat with them about important it is that they use the correct name & pronouns as instructed by Management. If they refuse or start to behave negatively towards you, I'd take it up with HR.

It's not your job to make sure your workplace is a friendly, inclusive environment. That is the responsibility of HR on behalf of the owners of the business. So if anybody insists in misgendering you after you've asked them nicely to treat you respectfully, take it up with HR. In my experience, most HR departments would prefer to manage these sorts of situations themselves rather than to allow any friction to occur between employees.

[Ms Grace]

I've only been full time two weeks, so name slip ups occur. If they use my male name I just ask "who?" - makes them correct themselves. Pronouns don't seem yo be too big an issue, can't think I've heard any being used in relations me this last week anyway.

Generally I think it stems from how they think about you. If, in their thoughts, they still use the former name and former pronouns then they haven't shifted their perception. It's a bit like speaking a foreign language where you think in English first before translating it - it's only when you start thinking in the other language that speaking it becomes effortless. Essentially they're translating name and gender pronouns (or not bothering at all) before they speak, until they start effortlessly thinking about you in terms of your new name and gender pronouns they are going to slip up. How you make people do that though, no idea!

[barbie]

Be patient. It takes long time for people to be informed and adjusted. The world does not change in a day.

barbie~~

[Shana-chan]

Need help asap please!

Ok, it's been 3 months since they were told female pronouns and preferred female name, they weren't told anything else about me besides if they have any questions for me, to ask me. Well the name was almost instant but the gender such as her, she etc. has had next to no results, including from the managers though any actual results are only from the managers (And 2 employees) so HOW they can call a "male" by a "female name" yet still call her a him is beyond me. Anyway, 2 months later I gave it time, the name for the most part (so far at least) has been worked on and most are calling me by my new preferred name and I told HR this and my bosses boss it too but also told them both the gender has had little improvement and it'll take some more time. Well, 1 month later, no improvement really and 3 months and well, who do I go too for this, HR department or my bosses boss or both? I just can't take it, I'm going to crack and there's going to be ian incident at work if they don't get on the ball and freaking do something! >_< If you want any other info such as how I'm treated at work, you can find it in the below replies.

Is it everyone misgendering you, or just so few recalcitrants? You say you have a women's uniform, how different is it from the men's? Does it help to create a visual enough difference for them to tell at a glance you are presenting as female? I'm not suggesting you don't pass but it would seem that for these people something isn't quite clicking. Getting angry with them or trying to guilt trip them will only make you seem like the unreasonable one - I would suggest trying to understand the cause of the problem and that way a solution might present itself. Say to them, "you've been asked by management to use she/her, why do you keep saying he/him? I actually find it demeaning/distressing/disrespectful, would you please use the right pronouns or at least tell me why you won't?" See what happens then!

Nearly everyone, even though practically everyone calls me by my preferred "female" name.  (Yeah, makes no sense to me either) Unfortunately, in this day and age most work places have a dress code and that dress code from what I've seen so far typically has it so no matter male or female, the clothes look near identical to each other. So even though I changed my wardrobe,  the people there probably think I am still wearing the old clothes. Also, they don't know I'm trans. For 2-3 months they thought I was male because the "boss" was calling me sir, even though I asked him not too. Finally I came out to him and he's kept it to himself but has informed all (minus 1-2) the employees to call me her, she etc. and by my preferred name. What I don't get is how they could QUICKLY (Near instant) call me a female name with only a few slip ups yet take 3 dang months later and no improvement except from the managers and even then that's very minimum. As to asking them and saying to them that stuff, if I'm not a guy, boy etc. don't work (Which I've been doing for 3 freaking MONTHS!!!) then that won't work either and, tbh, I don't want to ask/say that stuff to them. It's hard and I don't want to hear from them "oh because you're clearly a guy or we thought you were a guy" or some other crappy excuse. (My anger isn't directed at you, just them and my situation lol)

I have a similar problem, except I came out two years ago. I understand the problem in my situation, however it doesn't make it any easier. People at my workplace have known me for a very long time, and I always had a somewhat feminine appearance; so their mind is having a hard time adjusting to the change. I've told the President of the company that after SRS I may end up having to leave the company because of this, and he keeps saying to give it time.

I have a hard time correcting people when I know it's unintentional, and they just can't wrap their minds around it. So unfortunately I have not found a solution yet; with the possible exception of finding another place to work that does not know my history. Not the best solution but...........

2 years, I certainly ain't putting up with this for two years and I don't know how you have. My advice to you is go to your boss and ask him to tell the employees to call you by the correct pronouns. If a month or 3 passes and you asked him to do it again if it wasn't improving then call the HR department and inform them of what's happening and ask them to get involved.  No offense to your boss but, 2 years is MORE than enough "time."

Best of luck to you and hope it works out. Oh and, it doesn't matter if it's unintentional or not, if they are still doing it then that CLEARLY shows a lack of "trying" to recorrect themselves. Also it doesn't matter if they can't wrap their head around it, it's disrespectful to you and if they've been told this than they need to recorrect themselves.

You said that the general population was not informed that you are transgender. I suggest you utilize the EEOC to provide training to the employees on how to properly address, and work with someone who is transgender. If they understand what is going on, and are provided with the information they need, they will more than likely change their behavior. As it stands, they probably don't understand what is going on, and why what they are doing is wrong. Help them.

Oh HELL NO! lol I don't want people knowing I'm trans. I thought my boss had told them but he didn't, only told them little info and said if they had any questions to ask me. Further more, with the type of job I have, ain't no way any employee there is going to have any time to do any kind of training. Whether they understand or not, they've been told to call me by female pronouns and my preferred name, yet only the name has been worked on and by not doing as they were told, they're being disrespectful to me and on many other lvs. Doesn't matter if they understand or not. If people don't know the "definition" of respect then they need to whip out a dictionary, even if it's online.

I'd give the ones misgendering me a thorough, polite explanation on why it's disrespectful and how important it is to be gendered correctly, then if it continues like it has for any significant length of time, go to your boss and tell him that you did exactly what he said and things have not improved. If he refuses to do anything about it, go to his higher-ups. This can't go on forever. It's creating a toxic work environment for you and there's really no excuse for them to misgender you after you've given them an explanation and time to adjust. Take Suzi's advice and keep a record of how you're being treated by your co-workers and your higher-ups as well.

Yes, my boss sadly hasn't been as "helpful" as I'd like him to be. He seems to not want to deal with it. Now the only question is, who to go too. His boss or HR? It's been 3 months and it's time I went to someone on this... As to how I'm treated, I am VERY fortunate and VERY lucky to have this job, to have a friendly work environment as well as to be able to be myself at work, it's mainly the misgendering me that's the problem.

[FTMDiaries]

Well the name was almost instant but the gender such as her, she etc. has had next to no results, including from the managers though any actual results are only from the managers (And 2 employees) so HOW they can call a "male" by a "female name" yet still call her a him is beyond me.

People tend to be dense and self-absorbed. They're so wrapped up in their little worlds that they're blind to the subtle changes going on in yours. Remember: most cisgender people live in a world where a boy is a boy and a girl is a girl, and it wouldn't occur to them that this is something that can change. So if you tell them you're changing your name, that in itself isn't enough to trigger them changing their thought process so that they'll think of you as female from now on: they probably just think you have a quirky name. Just like Marion Morrison, Tracy Tormé, Daryl Hannah and Michael Steele.

Who do I go too for this, HR department or my bosses boss or both?

Start with HR... not as a complaint, but as a way of asking for their assistance in managing the situation. Try to get them on your side and ask them for advice on how to get everyone to use the correct name, titles & pronouns.

So even though I changed my wardrobe,  the people there probably think I am still wearing the old clothes.

Yup, they won't notice a subtle change. I work in a place with very different standards of dress for male & female employees, and nobody had noticed that I'd changed my mode of dress and flattened my (rather large) chest for an entire six months before I came out to them.

What I don't get is how they could QUICKLY (Near instant) call me a female name with only a few slip ups yet take 3 dang months later and no improvement except from the managers and even then that's very minimum.

Some people have names that don't match their perceived gender, like the four I mentioned above. Unfortunately, a female name is not enough to make your colleagues change how they think of you.

Oh HELL NO! lol I don't want people knowing I'm trans.

That's your choice, and I fully respect that. I know only too well how terribly uncomfortable it can be to have something this private exposed in this way, especially when you've spent a lifetime hiding your true self from view. However, can you think of a way in which your colleagues will change your pronouns without them learning or figuring out that you're trans*? I hate to say this, but people don't simply go from calling someone 'he' to calling them 'she' without a good reason.... or without wondering what that reason might be. Your alternative, of course, is to get a new job where nobody knows your history.

Yes, my boss sadly hasn't been as "helpful" as I'd like him to be. He seems to not want to deal with it. Now the only question is, who to go too. His boss or HR?

It may be that he doesn't want to deal with it, but it's much more likely that he doesn't know how to deal with it because he's never knowingly had a trans* employee before. So start with HR, but do it from the perspective of getting them to help manage the situation.

When I wanted my colleagues to use my new name & pronouns, I produced a guide to being trans* and a detailed coming-out letter. I had to educate everyone - including my bosses - on trans* issues because none of them had knowingly met a trans* person before. Without that preparation, I doubt whether it would've sunk in.