Quote from: Kate on July 30, 2007, 10:13:13 AM
I obviously made it through 42 years without transitioning or killing myself. One reason I avoided suicide was because I just never believed I COULD transition. I didn't even know about it (beyond Jerry Springer type info) for decades, and once I learned more I STILL didn't believe I could have a normal, female life.
That's exactly how it happened with me (though I somehow hung on for over 45 years). I had known all along I should have been a woman, but had gotten into the habit of telling myself: Never gonna happen, it's impossible, just forget about it. Which somehow allowed me to manage the GID temporarily. Once the GID grew stronger and stronger, it pretty much pushed me into learning more about what was happening to me. My subconscious began sending me various signals, although as I started wearing more and more feminine things, I kept denying at first that I was doing it.
Even when I finally gave up denial and said to myself, "Yeah, I'm transgender all right," at first I had no idea of what to do about it. All I could do was acknowledge that this was my condition. I used the word "transgender" at first because the idea of being
transsexual still kind of scared me. It took I don't know maybe a year after that before I realized the word "transgender" was pointless and I'm definitely transsexual, and yes I need to transition all the way, op and everything.
I didn't know about Jerry Springer because I don't watch TV, in fact I was not in contact with any queer community or any source of information about all this for many years, so I stayed ignorant and just told myself I want to be a woman although I can't. Thus I held it in suspended animation for all that time, through ignorance.
QuoteI was kinda just sitting around, hanging on to this shred of hope that somehow, someday a magic pill would be invented that WOULD work perfectly.
I used to have a fantasy there would be a machine where I go into it, close the door, and turn it on, and the female me would walk out.
QuoteSo somehow, not having the possibility to fix things (yet) kept me going. Sure, it was tragic that I was trapped as a guy, but I had no choice, ya know? Because I had no choice, I could live with doing that, trying to eek out a glimpses of a female life from within a male one as best I could... and waiting for that magic pill to be invented someday to save me.
This describes very well how I existed for all that time. I lived the inner life of a woman vicariously, I got involved in feminist causes which allowed me to hang around with women talking about women's points of view, since I felt that within me anyway. Everything I paid attention to for years was about women.
QuoteBut once I learned more about the transition process, and realized it COULD work... that a female life was an actual possibility... and this was the ONLY way I'd ever have it... there was just no way I could avoid trying. Once I knew I COULD transition, and it might work, I couldn't turn my back on that chance without basically committing emotional suicide.
Exactly. Once --seemingly by chance-- I heard a speaker give a definition of transgender and suddenly I knew what was going on in me. I found out that it had a name, it was a field of study, and there were communities for it. When I finally owned up to it, I began reading whatever I could find on the subject, and learned about transition. Once I had that knowledge, transition was simply a foregone conclusion.
The analogy is when the Communist regimes were all falling in the year 1989, I heard political scientists on NPR saying as long as people live under absolute totalitarian repression, they will not rebel because they think it's hopeless. But with glasnost the system eased up a little, people tasted a little freedom, and they demanded more... and soon they rose and tore the Berlin Wall down. It's an exact analogy for what I went through.
QuoteThrough age 42, I got by in saying, "Not Yet." But once I KNEW it was a real possibility, any more delay would have meant saying "No" to living as a female.
And while I could live with saying, "Not Yet"... I couldn't live with saying, "No."
That's a great way to put it! Very well said!
