M2F (or MbF, for now): not happy of being a girl?

[Ive]

Hello everyone,

I started this new topic 'cause I thought it would be interesting discussing on this topic (dunno if someone did it before, and mainly under which point of view).

Well, I discovered to be a girl in a boy's body (or woman/man, I'm 32 )
I started to have this discovery settle down since June, so 6 months already. Still in the acceptance process, I guess, but I feel almost sure I'm a transgender girl. Finishing up my PhD, meanwhile (yep, Murphy's law).
Long story short, I always acted like a boy. Never imagined to be a girl. 2 years crisis. I think I'm gay, but no. I'm a girl in with a boy's body, or MbF (Male-bodied-Female), as I said to some friend (few) of mine to whom I came out.

I'm in the process, and some days very happy to have discovered all this, in peace with myself, even if still is difficult to be 100% myself (and I feel very tiring).
The point is that today I acted like I'm... and I'm not happy. Ok, I spoke wit this girl that does not know about me, trying to release everything and be myself. It was weird, ok. But also something more was here...
I'm not happy to be a girl.
Maybe I never was. Ok, I unconsciously buried my femininity since I was 4, but maybe also because I didn't really like to be a girl?
I had interests similar to my male friends, I almost hated female groups (and still I do), and the "feminine stereotypical stuff" (yes, I should not talk about stereotypes, but... "destructuration"). Anyways...
I don't like to be a girl?
[updated] I didn't dislike to be a boy, but it is simply not what I am. And now I know, no way back.
Said so, I probably didn't like to be a girl! I don't know to which extent, etc. (never also tried to dress and go out as fully me - transgender girl)

The discussion is open. Don't have anything special to "solve" here, just talk and share. And support.
Please
Thanks everyone,
I.

[Ms Grace]

There is a lot of pressure from family and society to conform to gender stereotypes based on our physical sex. It's no surprise we have learned what is "right or wrong" by a very young age and try to behave accordingly, even if it makes us feel out of sorts.

[Ive]

Hello Grace,

yes indeed, but the question is simply what I am now. A transgender girl. Is ok, I'm getting the good from it, and I know that that's it what I am.
But I don't feel happy of being a girl. I am a girl, but don't like that much. Probably was better to be a boy/man.
Uhm... dunno if this makes some sense...
Anyone felt this ever?

[sam79]

Being a girl to me is something that happens after acceptance and some steps to transition. I found that before then, I was still somewhat developing. Due to the wrong upbringing.

On the other side of transition, there is a difference which you can see. I couldn't imagine what life would be like before. The change is slow, gradual and deeper than you may think. So fundamental...

But for me, transition was my only way forward. I wasn't coping trying to be a boy. I was so sad, self destructive and spiralling out of control. I couldn't grasp what life was going to be like fully,but it was living. For the first time, I was living.

I also ventured out the door dressing as a woman before hormones or much else. And I didn't enjoy that either. It felt fake to me, as fake as being a guy felt. Even though I knew I was female inside, it felt fake. Much of that was because of my body and the way I saw myself. It was incredibly hard to understand this and talk about it.  I needed to act and present authentically, which back then was not male or female. While that was an uncomfortable way to be while I began transition , it was all I could do.

And there was a change after a while on hrt. There was a point where I felt, and saw myself as a woman. I still dont know how it  it all works, but that was my experience.

Xx

[Lostkitten]

Although for everyone it is most important to be happy with themselves, I do wonder how you figured out to be transgender? The way you write it makes it come across as if you are not fully sure yourself yet >_<.

[Rachel]

Not everyone is male or female gender (binary). That is a social construct. Some are both male and female gender. Also, time experiencing who you are may help you to figure out your path forward. As always a gender therapist is a fantastic resource to help you in the journey.