Am I the only one..

[Confused888]

Who didn't know they were male at a really young age? I dont recall realizing it that young as much as I can remember... i know this really doesnt mean anything but I never had a problem with "girly" stuff  as a kid...loved playing dolls and wearing dresses and playing with other girls... The only thing I remember liking was being the dad or husband when playing house with my friends, but didnt think it meant anything...I started feeling kinda weird when puberty hit though...like hating my boobs and my period but I just thought that was a normal part of growing up...which brings me to another question...were you ever in a huge denial about this? I feel like I always had an explanation for things...like "oh I just hate myself in general" when really it was I hated the girl I was pretending to be..or why can't I relate to girls as friends? Oh yeah, cuz I'm not a girl....and then also, did you really not know that you were trans? I didn't officially start to accept and understand this until maybe 4 or 5 years ago but before that, I drove myself insane wonderin why I was so depressed and couldn't relate to anyone and why i had no confidence as a girl...not knowing what's wrong is really frustrating...plus I was really good at being in denial and like I said, having some other reason for something when deep down it was gender related....also, I still have brief periods where I feel feminine which makes this even more frustrating and confusing but I don't know if those brief periods are just a part of me still being denial or that I've been fem for so long and I'm just used to that persona...I know I need to see a doctor which I contacted one and will see her ASAP..I was just wondering if anyone can relate to my experience

Another thing I forgot to say was never feeling like I was making any true or authentic relationships with people because I wasn't being myself...really it was almost like I was living a lie looking back even though I didn't know what was wrong...just such unhappiness and emptiness all the time

[CaitlinH]

You're definitely not the only one! When I was little all my friends were male, I played with transformers and loved football. I didn't identify in any way as a girl until, like you, after hitting puberty and the development of secondary sex characteristics. Facial hair just disgusted me and I was shaving often twice a day just to get rid of it.

I think that for those of us who displayed gender expression that was in alignment with our birth sex, we don't normally notice that there's something wrong until hitting puberty. When we start developing characteristics that define masculinity and femininity, our dysphoria begins and we start to realise that something isn't right. Like you I also went through a long period of denial, becoming hyper-masculine to try and blend in.

While I was unsure of my gender identity and in doubt as to whether or not I should transition, I kept feeling like I was male on some days. I think it's a natural reaction to making a major life decision, but yeah going to see a professional is a really good idea.

[Alexthecat]

Yeah I'm the same. Didn't really know until 19 but the growing up years are all a blur. Then I got real withdrawn and depressed in highschool to the point I had to be home schooled to finish it up.

[Confused888]

CaitlinH

That makes me feel better that you didn't feel different until after puberty and I've seen people like us but then the majority says they knew very young...you make a good point that puberty would bring the gender dysphoria feelings on more intensely which I thought about that once too..the denial
Sucks and has driven me pretty crazy honestly but atleaSt now I know I have to accept this, it's not going away :/

[Confused888]

Yeah I'm the same. Didn't really know until 19 but the growing up years are all a blur. Then I got real withdrawn and depressed in highschool to the point I had to be home schooled to finish it up.

Wow that's exactly how I was in high school, I was so depressed that by the time I graduated I was ghostly pale and basically looked like death...idk how I even made it...everything makes sense now looking back

[CaitlinH]

Yeah, there seems to be two groups of us: the ones who know from an early age and the ones who start to notice during or slightly after puberty. When I was first looking into being trans I was really confused by the fact that I didn't have these feelings from a young age, however from what I've seen it's actually pretty common. I don't have enough experience to say whether or not it goes away, but my suspicion would be that it's always going to be there like you said.

[Charliedogist]

I knew during puberty because of a tv show. The only thing that stopped me from saying anything then was the fact that all the FTMs on the show were in straight relationships. I already knew I was attracted to guys, and because of other things, though, well you can't be an FTM if you're not attracted to females. :p

It took nearly another ten years before I was really able to confront everything and say, hey wait a minute. You can be a guy and be gay too. :p

[Alexthecat]

To add on for me the life saver was getting on shots to stop the periods. Then I moved out of my moms cause shes the type you can't live with. Then I got a job and a year later I got my top surgery with the money I made. I think this is my 4th maybe year on the shots so a lot happened from 19-22. Now I will get my name changed and then maybe T. Still deciding if I want a middle name.

[Alexthecat]

I knew during puberty because of a tv show. The only thing that stopped me from saying anything then was the fact that all the FTMs on the show were in straight relationships. I already knew I was attracted to guys, and because of other things, though, well you can't be an FTM if you're not attracted to females. :p

It took nearly another ten years before I was really able to confront everything and say, hey wait a minute. You can be a guy and be gay too. :p

Yeah nothing red flagged in school because I liked guys so I had to be a girl. If I would of liked girls it probably would of connected me with the LGBT earlier.

[Finnyh]

Hey man 
We're not far different at all. I happened upon a documentary a few years ago about ->-bleeped-<- (found myself in one of those weird places on YouTube after searching for something completely unrelated) and the guys and girls on there said they knew from a young age. I instantly dismissed being trans because that's how I expected it to be like. These people had such intense reactions to being born the way they were that they told their mothers as kids that they were the opposite gender to their sex. The only clues I had as a kid were that I wanted to be mistaken for a boy, wanted to use the boy's toilets, and felt constantly jealous of other boys. Getting me to wear a training bra at 12 was a nightmare for my mum. I felt like I should have been with the boys in sex education. I've not yet discussed it with my mum, but I'm sure there are other giveaways from my childhood that I've forgotten about/never noticed. Maybe if you ask your mother she might be able to shed some light on your childhood and growing up as a boy in the body of a girl.

I guess it doesn't have to be as intense as the guys and girls in documentaries to mean you're any less trans than they are. I feel like we've had easier, but I found once you make that realisation...that there's no going back and you know exactly what you want, even if some days you will heavily doubt yourself. It's also not uncommon for trans guys to feel attracted to males. I am. I don't mind it one bit. But yes, it's misleading when you're growing up as a 'straight female' but feel like you're a boy. It's like the two shouldn't mix. But it happens, and it doesn't mean you're any less male than the trans guys who are straight.

[aleon515]

I did not, in fact, I did know I was different, but I assumed it was other things. I am autistic, for instance. It does explain a lot, but actually not everything. I got along by living androgynously, and actually still am androgynous in many respects except that I am on T and had top surgery. I feel much more inside my body but still feel that my gender is a little less binary than some people here might feel. I think it might be harder for people to get it if they are in this position, as there are fewer models and so on. I also didn't know that there were FTMs. Even when I found out about Chaz Bono, he was kind of the exception that proved the rule. There were MTFs and Chaz Bono. LOL.

--Jay

[connorism]

As mentioned earlier, you certainly are not alone on this. When I was young I had no clue what was going on. I had a strange feeling of disconnect from my nether regions and it took me a year or two after hitting puberty to come to terms with what I later found out was severe dysphoria.
These things are often never described or explained to us as children since most people don't experience them, and so we don't necessarily have the language accessible to express how we feel until later in life. I wouldn't let it get to you-I struggled with this early on in my transition and am coming to realize it doesn't invalidate how I feel in any way whatsoever.

[ReaverMarcus]

You are definitely not the only one. I'm still what they consider young but when I was a kid, I kind of thought of what it was like being a boy and all that but I never really put it together. I still thought about even after puberty, still hadn't put it together. I even went through the idea that I was just depressed, though I never really had a chance to talk to anyone about it either. For the longest time, I thought my feelings that I'm the wrong gender were just a phase, something I had to grow out of. I only recently figured out that it never was a phase and everything has started to become clear.

[Ruthven]

Didn't know I was male until 18. Never had any feelins or anything until late 17/early 18 when I started feelin androgynous/genderless and then that evolved to me feelin male. I was insecure for awhile about not knowin since childhood, but with time and seein that there were others like me, I got over that.

It just unlocked or sumthin for me. And I've never been more aware and aligned within myself (even tho my body isn't completely in alignment with how it should be).

Me bein feminine and likin' guys has never had me thinkin I wasn't a guy either.

[GnomeKid]

Me bein feminine and likin' guys has never had me thinkin I wasn't a guy either.

(kind of completely unrelated, but on a philosophical note)

Thats an interesting thought that some other guys had said as well. 

I wonder how being gay and trans ("cis straight") and being straight and trans ("cis gay") effects the trans realization/acceptance process... 

I told my parents I was a boy as soon as I could talk... so I guess other than that little thought I don't have much productive to say in this thread other than that I don't think it at all undermines your trans-ness to have not rejected female things/known you were a boy at a small age. 

[Edge]

I also didn't know I was a boy as a kid. I knew I was different, but I was different in other ways too and figured that was it. I guess everyone told me I was supposed to be a girl, so I figured I was supposed to be a girl.

[Nikotinic]

When I look back on my childhood I can definitely see signs early on but I don't think that I thought of myself as literally being a boy. I think I was happy being a girl because my parent's basically let me do and wear what I wanted, so I didn't really have a lot of girly toys or clothes anyway. I spent most of my time reading books, building with lego, riding bikes, splashing in puddles and climbing trees. I put together a photo slideshow for my 21st and got told afterwards that some of the pictures that mum had sent me to put in it were actually of my older brother. Apparently neither of us could tell the difference. I also still have a scar on my bottom lip from when I decided to try shaving my face at the age of 7 or 8, so I guess there must have been something going on even then. Despite all this though I just can't remember whether I thought I was a boy or a girl, I guess maybe I just didn't think about it.

Although I often acted more male as a kid, I think that when I went through puberty was the first time I really felt uncomfortable with being female.

I also find it really interesting how many people have said that being interested in guys delayed them realising that they were one. The same thing happened to me, I knew I was primarily interested dudes, and the best way to get guys to date you is obviously not to be one, so being acting girly made more sense.

[Lady Curiosity]

I had many stereotypically male interests and some female interests as well. But once puberty hit is when I got really angry and depressed and I had no idea why. You're not alone in that, and neither am I or any others who responded now yay.

[Arch]

I didn't "know" until I was much older. But I've had a male identity/alter ego ever since I can remember.

[Samuel]

I didn't have any concept of being a boy when I was little. I was just me, and most of my friends were boys and we played hot wheels. Then things got weird when we all got older and the boys didn't really play with me any more, I didn't ever fit in with the girls and just got very depressed and sad and became a loner.

Until I realized finally, at 38, what the heck was wrong.