Making Friends

[devon14]

Hello Everyone,

Ever sense I've been alive, social interaction has been very hard for me. When i was in Kindergarden - 2nd grade, i felt that i had a good mix of male and female friends. After 3rd grade however when my family life was torn to shreds due to my mother passing away and everyone at school starting to pick on me and tormenting me, i became a complete loner. I would grasp onto any friend that i could. I made one friend that year whom was male and from then on i only made male friends with my female friends becoming non existent. Throughout the course of my K-12 experience, I've only made four friends that i hang out with on a semi regular basis but only one on one and never in groups, they are all straight white males. My experience in school left me socially scared as i am terrified of social situations as i was ousted and picked on so much at school. I've recently been talking to two of my cousins whom are female and feel like there is such a dynamic in the interactions that i have with them that
I've never experienced with my male friends. Don't get me wrong, i love my male friends and they are amazing people whom respect my decision to transition but at the same time they are all kind of inward reclusive people that i don't feel like i can get the dynamic from them quite how i can with my female cousins. I'm also really upset at myself because my negative thoughts keep saying "doesn't it seem odd that you only had male friends if you felt like a female for so long? If you were a true inner female you would already have female friends. Because of this you don't deserve to transition, you might as well kill yourself." Please, anyone tell me if you experienced these issues during your transition and how you tackled them. I would also love some tips on how i could attract more friends.

Thank you all for your help,

Devon

[FalseHybridPrincess]

I didnt had any female friends till recently too

Man having female friends feel so nice for some reason

A good way to make friends would be to do more activities
for example if you start painting lessons you ll meet people there that might as well become your friends

[sam79]

Most of my friends were male growing up, and it remained that way for a long time.

Sadly when I tried to make friends with women, it was because I must have wanted something ( sex ) from them. But all I wanted was to connect with them in a way that I couldn't with men. And it's hard, being seen ( and being expected to act ) as a certain way, while being totally different underneath.

Since deciding to transition, my male friends have more or less drifted away of their own accord. They don't understand me, or my transition. I have however made a few female friends since, which are the best relationships I've ever had .

[CaitlinH]

Hey Devon,

I've also experienced the social isolation and anxiety you talk about, as well as the predominantly male peer group. When I was going through puberty I actually developed a severe phobia of women around the same time I began experiencing feelings of being trans. In fact I'm almost certain they're related, and although I got over it a few years later I can still remember the fear I had of associating with women. As a result, my social circle was pretty much entirely made up of straight men for a long time. I think it's because I was in full denial of being trans, and was worried that any association with a girl in the form of friendship rather than sexual attraction would make people raise questions about me.

I have a very good female friend who I talk to all the time, and the relationship dynamic is definitely different to that of my male friends, especially when it comes to discussing personal matters. Like you, I find that there's a very different dynamic in my relationship with my female cousins and friends than with men. That being said, there's nothing wrong with having a male peer group and while many trans women gravitate towards female friends from a young age, it's hardly a requirement for being transgender. You absolutely deserve to be who you are, and I know that the nagging doubt that's there when it comes to making big decisions can make it seem like it's impossible.

As for attracting more friends, it can be very difficult and challenging even for those who aren't going through what we are. If you're anything like me when it comes to social interaction, as in you're introverted and shy away when possible, it can be daunting. I've coped with severe social anxiety for most of my life, and even after several bouts of cognitive behavioural therapy I still have trouble. However I've found that the best way to deal with it is to simply push yourself to talk to new people. I'm sure you have acquaintances in your life that could become good friends; try and talk to them, ask them about themselves and show an interest in what they like. You'd be surprised how easy it can be to go from simply knowing someone's name to being introduced to their social circle and begin making new friends.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to send me a PM when you hit 15 posts, I'd be more than happy to chat!

[Joanna Dark]

Hmm..for me, it's the opposite. My whole life consisted mainly of female friends (with a couple male friends whose friends despise me in between) until now, where i have exactly one friend and he is basically my boyfriend and can't stop talking about how it's so awesome we got through so much together and are so close. I don't know I just got really lucky with him as he goes through people like underwear yet keeps me around consistently and can't go more than three days without talking to me.

To develop female friends, you have to be in tune with, I actually have no idea. But, really, I don't think it means much. The reason women become friends with me is prolly pretty simple: I'm tiny, non-threatening, and sensitive, so for whatever reason I start conversatiosn with them or they with me and we become friends. It happened like four times the other day. But that was extremely odd.

I wouldn't let it spoil your transition as it really doesn't mean much like I said. I don't say: hey I've had a lot of female friends, I must really be a woman. Though, my one friend did elude to that  once as he asked why i had so may female friends and I'm not trying to have sex with any of them and never even mention them in any sexual way. But he's a weirdo. A really sweet one.

[devon14]

FalsePrincess: Thank you for the tips. I just wish i had the courage to start trying to establish these relationships when I was your age rather than at the age of 22. I will try to seek a hobby group and see where that takes me.

SammyRose: Ive also had similar experiences with females when trying to make friends as they think im hitting on them or something. This has made me more terrified than ever to just approach a female looking like i do right now in fear that they will think im just hitting on them.

CaitlinH: Your description matches how i feel and act every single day. How old were you when you made that good friend of yours? I will PM you when i get 15 posts.

I just get stuck in this loop that everything right now is hopeless. When im walking around town, i see everyone with at least one or more people and having fun and laughing which just makes me seethe inside as i feel like that will never be me. I begin to think "Your 22 years old, you've already wasted most of your young years, you might as well give up." I really hate that inner voice

[Jessica15]

Don't feel too bad.  I've never had a female friend in my life.  When it comes to guys, I've only had 2, and even those have faded away due to my loner-ish ways.

[WaspWoman]

I just get stuck in this loop that everything right now is hopeless. When im walking around town, i see everyone with at least one or more people and having fun and laughing which just makes me seethe inside as i feel like that will never be me. I begin to think "Your 22 years old, you've already wasted most of your young years, you might as well give up." I really hate that inner voice

I know exactly what you mean, I have felt this very way for the past 8 years (I am almost 27) and it gets worse with every year. I have always had quite bad social anxiety, and never really had many (at times any) good friends, male or female. I have always been more of the occasional acquaintance. I have more or less come to a point where I have accepted this to be my lot in life.

That being said, while the few good friends I have had over the years have been male, most often I get along better with female acquaintances. When I first moved out of my parents house I lived with three girls... hmm, never thought about that in this context before. Anyways, I always felt like I was never "one of the guys" nor "one of the girls" just some weird in-between.

[LivingTheDream]

Growing up, I definitely had only male friends, and that was because they were neighbors. Surprisenly, however you spell it, we had very few females on our street "its a dead end street", way more males. They were all different ages, mostly older, I never made many friends within my own grade or on my own. Most of em ended up being grouped in a way, like these people I drink with, these I play sports with, these I got out to eat sorta thing. I've always been very private and shy and almost everyone for me is more of an acquaintance than an actual friend. Same with my family sadly  . Never felt comfortable getting too close to people or opening up or having personal type conversations with anybody. The only female friends I've really had were met online, if that counts, but for some reason I've always been more comfortable being more open with them, prolly cause they're female and because well it's online so easy to get away from it things go bad.

[CaitlinH]

Your description matches how i feel and act every single day. How old were you when you made that good friend of yours? I will PM you when i get 15 posts.

I just get stuck in this loop that everything right now is hopeless. When im walking around town, i see everyone with at least one or more people and having fun and laughing which just makes me seethe inside as i feel like that will never be me. I begin to think "Your 22 years old, you've already wasted most of your young years, you might as well give up." I really hate that inner voice

I was 20, we were flatmates at university and kind of sought shelter with each other (we were both very depressed and unhappy with the rest of our flat).

It sounds like you're quite depressed yourself, I had very similar thoughts about feeling hopeless and that I'd never be happy. You may find it helpful to go onto antidepressants for a while, I know it certainly helped me see things in a more positive light.

[devon14]

I was 20, we were flatmates at university and kind of sought shelter with each other (we were both very depressed and unhappy with the rest of our flat).

It sounds like you're quite depressed yourself, I had very similar thoughts about feeling hopeless and that I'd never be happy. You may find it helpful to go onto antidepressants for a while, I know it certainly helped me see things in a more positive light.

I've been on antidepressants for about 5 months now. I've been depressed sense i was five and continued that way until now. The medications definitely helped me out as i grew the confidence to come out to people about me being trans but this road block of not having people in my life that i can always go to for help especially the fact that i don't have many female contacts outside of my cousins makes me morbidly depressed. 

[CaitlinH]

Can understand that completely. There's always plenty of us girls online who you can confide in, the added benefit being that we're also fully aware of what you're going through with being trans. Many of us have also known depression from having to hide who we are for most of our lives, and struggling to come to terms with the fact that we're different and shunned by society.

A good therapist can really help with your social anxiety problems. I know that my problems absolutely crippled me for most of my time at university - it got to the point where I was terrified to leave my room in case I had to speak to someone on the way out. When you're depressed you automatically assume that people are thinking the worst about you, but it's absolutely not true at all. I know things seem bad right now but things will improve, they did for me even though I'm unable to transition right now.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Friends come and go ,I had many friends in highschool that now I never see or speak to...

Only a few people if any will stay in your life for long periods of time...
If you want to make girl friends then just speak with girls instead of guys when you are out, thats how I did it...

[devon14]

Thank you all for your support and thank you all for making me feel like I'm not alone 

I love you all!

[meganB]

Always only had male friends untill I went to college. I met this girl and we gotten allong pretty fast. The funny thing is she doesn't like men and doesn't trust them (she has a boyfriend now though). She did trust me and she always found it strange why she trusted me even though I was a boy. When I came out to her it all made sense to her. We have been good friends ever since.

Also because I came out to a female friend I sortof knew (though her ex) we became best friends and share almost everything.

Through the local trans* community I also gotten more female friends (also some good male friends).