Overcompensating

[Jill F]

Before I came to grips with being transgender, I thought that if anyone ever knew about it or even suspected that I was, it would mean the end of me.   Sometimes I'd become conscious of my transgender feelings when others were around and I'd start acting like someone I wouldn't even want to know.  As uncomfortable as it made me, I somehow felt the need to do it.  When I was a kid and started acting "femmy", I often was ridiculed or beaten for it and this sort of became my self-preservation mode.  Just before my breakdown, I couldn't take another day of being someone I wasn't and I admitted to myself that I'd be most comfortable stripping away all the pseudo-macho BS until I could find the "real me".   It turned out that the "real me" that I found was a sad, angry, desperate woman and that I needed to begin the process of self-emasculation immediately in order to save my life.

Some of the things I consciously did to overcompensate-
Play tackle football without protective gear
Drink excessively, especially beer and hard liquor
Drugs
Being a "party animal"
Sex when I didn't really want it
Develop a sick, crude sense of humor
Smoke big cigars
Work construction
Lift weights
Act like an alpha male
Try to tear others down with brutal insults
Fight over anything and everything
Drive like an a*hole
Just be an a*hole
Gratuitous display of sexuality
Grew beard out
Let appearance go
Go days without a shower

I was never a racist or chauvinist, but I do admit to some homophobia that I got over in my 20s, and transphobia that I didn't address until 2012.

Some "masculine" things that I did that I ended up questioning turned out to be things I really like-
Following sports
Playing/collecting/repairing musical instruments
Heavy metal and punk
Sports cars- old and new 

Anyone else?  This has to be common with transfolk, right?

[Jessica Merriman]

Overcompensate? Oh yeah, big time! My Therapist thinks my career was actually overcompensation and a desire to end my life with the chances I took so I would not have to deal with it. I would do things like stay inside structure fires long after EVAC was sounded, Didn't wear body armor as a Police Officer and involved myself in every high risk rescue scene I could. I would enter active crime scenes before being secured by police when I was a Paramedic and put myself way too close to traffic on highway crash scenes. I became a Flight Medic just on the off chance we could crash. I was one messed up individual. I would act all Alpha Male at the Firehouse and Headquarters and do things to people I am very ashamed of. I treated women terrible because I hated them for being female when I couldn't. Off duty I was an isolated, angry, irritable mess who never went out. I felt so bad the way I treated women I would not sleep for days on end. I was just so jealous of them. Before starting transition I was a terrible person full of hate, regret and hopelessness. I hope I am redeeming myself now by being open and honest with everyone and accepting their differences and showing genuine love for them. I am a living butterfly now after having come out of a terrible chrysalis of death, depression, anger and hate. 

[FalseHybridPrincess]

I tried my best to talk like a guy,,,
I hate it when sometimes I do it now...

[Greeneyedrebel]

From a different perspective (FTM)

I was never girly in any way, in fact I actively avoided it, including things like dances at school or prom because I just couldn't stand the idea of dresses and frilly.

I did have one "femme" period of about 18 months where I was overcompensating. I had just started college and was trying to do the "grow up" thing as well.....and I joined a Sorority. There is only 1 photo left to prove I was ever there (to the best of my knowledge). I avoided things like Formal (again) and photo ops in general, but I couldn't avoid the Sorority Composite. So I'm on the wall of the house somewhere and I have the proofs from where we were given the option to order copies.

The proofs are locked up and hidden because I have no desire to remember any of it.

[WaspWoman]

My completely unscientific observations seem to suggest that we seem to grow out beards at a higher rate than the general population, myself included. Shaving for the first time in almost a decade was how I accepted that this was my reality and I can do something about it.

[Jamie Marie]

I can say I had a few of the common traits. Drank like a fish. Didn't shave for months or groom it, although it never grew to more than about 2" in a year which is odd I think.

As a nerd I never got into sports, but did lift weights for awhile although my arms are bigger on hrt than when I could deadlift twice my body weight and easily pickup 100lbs. Now 50lbs seems like a lot.

Drag racing I like to do it. Watching not so much.

I'm still inclined to work on my own cars and do the majority of the repairs. I enjoy it to a point and it's way cheaper.

The most macho thing was being an a-hole with comments that were just rude and insensitive. Which is still a bit of an occasional issue. I was just plain angry all of the time and tried to take it out on everybody which I deeply regret. I think though it was since I hated myself I treated them the way I felt.

Is that a fairly common thing, to lash out?

[Jill F]

The most macho thing was being an a-hole with comments that were just rude and insensitive. Which is still a bit of an occasional issue. I was just plain angry all of the time and tried to take it out on everybody which I deeply regret. I think though it was since I hated myself I treated them the way I felt.

Is that a fairly common thing, to lash out?

I was irritable and angry all the time.  Any little thing could set my short fuse off.  This stopped as soon as I went on E. 

I used to want to kill sh%t all the time and I could be a pretty major a*hole to people.  Now I'm a sweetheart and just want to dole out hugs.

[Rachel]

I was 14 when I started drinking heavy and that ended at 36. I was a different person when I drank and did weed. I did really dangerous and stupid things. I would buy and sell and do anything I wanted and had protection. I even had protection in states where there would have been a real long term issue. When I got into my mid 20'd I dropped the protection but the drinking got out of control.

I never had facial hair. I always shaved my face very close and my body too.

I work on my cars because I did that when I was young because I had no money and learned to really enjoy it.

[big kim]

Drank like a fish,chased girls(and sometimes guys),drove muscle cars like Bullitt,worked on them because it saved money and I enjoyed it,rode bikes(I refused to buy a Harley Sportster as it had an electric start and worried people would think I was going soft no longer riding a Triumph),worked on bikes for the same reason as I worked on cars,a lot of the time I rarely bothered with shaving or haircuts,smoked weed did speed,never backed down from a fight(I grew out of this at about 19 realising some people just aren't worth the trouble),beat the snot out of a drunk driver who ran my Dad down(luckily Dad got off with cuts and bruises)hung out with bad ass guys,listened to metal and punk exclusively in case someone thought I was soft for liking other music and went to concerts and festivals,swore like a sailor who trapped his fingers in a door,was permanantly pissed off and angry.Generally behaved like a full time dirtbag and didn't give a rat's ass about anything,anyone or myself

[Nicolette]

I can't say I really tried. I tried weight lifting for a few months and bought weight gain milkshakes in my teens because I was really scrawny. That didn't really make any difference to muscle mass. I went for a few days without showers. But I spent ages on my hair and plucked any facial hair. I was pretty vain, lol. Unless it was cerebral, I avoided any masculine activities like the plague and avoided those men who participated. I was quite androphobic. Couldn't stand them, their swagger and their macho, heterocentric and misogynist banter. Calm down, Nicolette..calm down.

[Jessika Lin]

I was quite androphobic. Couldn't stand them, their swagger and their macho, heterocentric and misogynist banter. Calm down, Nicolette..calm down.

And here I thought I might be the only one, though all the bullying probably contributed too. Though I took it a bit farther and eventually shut myself away almost completely (which is fairly easy when you combine depression with major panic attacks at the mere thought of going out).

Although like Jill I also let my appearance go, let my facial hair grow (cause I couldn't be bothered to care enough to shave it), and went days (weeks actually) without a shower, though since I rarely went out or exerted myself I rarely smelled bad. In my case I wasn't over-compensating for anything, I simply hated my body. I still don't particularly like it but I'm hoping the HRT helps with that.

[Joan]

I did the beard but I came to that late as I hit 40.

I had fast cars but I wasn't very good at driving them fast.

I drank a lot socially for a while.


But on the whole I've always been pretty quiet, passive and not in the least alpha male. Estradiol has taken off even more of my remaining rough edges and I talk so much now I wish I'd ->-bleeped-<- up myself. I feel much more real now and it makes me happy to be able to say that.

[meganB]

I didn't really overcompesate, though there was a time at arround 15-16 and 18-20 ish that desperately tried to be manly. I failed horrible.

Overal I would just shut myself in and avoid the real world as I coudn't deal with it.

In college I tried to be male and hang with the guys (there were about 10 guys in my faculty and year, the rest were all female xD).
I felt so uncomfortable with how they were and their objectification of woman bleh. Did stay friends with one of them though (he wasnt like that).

I still do sometimes do things with my male friends, but they are the good kind of guys (not the macho, heterocentric and misogynist kind). Now I more often do things with my female friends.

[Alyssa Rae]

Overcompensation seems to be a trend.  It's all good though.  This is a rough thing to deal with.  I just "officially" came to terms with it tonight.  I didn't hit all of your points, but several were spot on. 

[Amy The Bookworm]

I can't really think of a time where I over compensated all that much.

I did take some lessons in karate in my late teens and early 20s, but that was because it was fun. While I do sometimes go without shaving enough to where it looks kinda ... bad ... it's mostly because I hate shaving because it seems like something guys should do and not me. But I also hate facial hair so I never let it grow out enough to actually be classified as a beard. I took some JROTC classes in high school, but that was because I'm an identical twin and I wanted to irritate my brother who decided in high school he would distance himself from me as much as possible and he was also taking it, and also because I knew I'd never have the option to serve or even be drafted due to my vision (and nearly everyone, men and women, serves in the military in my family, so I never associated military service as being hyper masculine until only in the last 3 or 4 years). I have in the past lifted heavy stuff for women, but that's because I'm nice and because they asked and because I can more than because I was trying to show how masculine I am. I did work in a warehouse hardware store for a few years, but that was because it was the only job I could find when I got out of high school and I never even pretended to like working there (I'm amazed I didn't get fired due to my attitude toward men who where sexist pigs when women weren't around, actually ...).

...

I have, however, been incredibly unhappy with life (and still am while I wait for us to be able to move so I can transition).

[Eva Marie]

Yeah, I can relate to this. I overcompensated too.

Cars: I've still got a drag race car in storage right now that I don't know what to do with. It's got a big motor, a full race transmission with a trans brake, slicks, and a 10 point roll cage with a 5 point safety harness, and racing bucket seats. It runs on VP100 race gas or E85. I ran it with open headers; it was deafening to stand beside the car. Sitting beside the car are some very expensive parts to build the next motor - a $2500 engine block, a $2000 set of race prepped cylinder heads, a $1000 crankshaft, and a big turbocharger. I was hoping to go from about 500hp to over 1000hp with those parts.

As a part of the car thing I hung out with some very macho, alpha male types on an internet car forum and managed to integrate myself with them. They are extremely trans-phobic/homophobic and I would get beat up if I ever showed up at one of their events as the real me.

Driving on the street: I drove like a crazy maniac and have the tickets to show for it.

Drinking: I drank, and drank, and drank........ rinse, lather, repeat.......

Motorcycles: As a kid I must have had a death wish. I raced cross country and I was pretty good at it. I had a Yamaha YZ400 motocross bike that had been hopped up - it was a beast - and I only weighed 120 lbs so the power to weight ratio was pretty dang good LOL...... I later had some very powerful street bikes and I would do stupid things like ride wheelies on them, or top them out to see how fast they would go.

Off road: As a young man I combined the drinking with off roading in 4x4 vehicles; where I lived it was considered the macho thing to do (the deep south in the US). The drunker we could get and the deeper the mud we could find was always better. Completely burying a vehicle in the mud while being staggeringly drunk was the goal, and I succeeded at that once or twice 

Being out in the woods was a good place for sex too 

[Christine Eryn]

Story of my life! Some things I enjoy(ed) from a technical perspective, like cars. Which, turned out to be a pain in the ass and huge money pits that could have served to fund my transition, had I not been in denial. Oh well. Caught on to sports in junior high, that was the "guy" thing to do. I'm not sure heavy drinking is exlusively male though, as I've seen plenty of females get wasted. I've been a big drinker since I was 20.

[ErinWDK]

Well, I had a beard for over 40 years - and didn't shave until I accepted the real me.

Drinking - I drank a lot in my early 20's and mostly stopped when I figured out it would kill me.

Cars - check, and my "girly" car is diesel...

Bathe as a Male?  You do this once a month???

Drugs and so forth - I could never go there, at all.

So I partially fit the mold.


Erin

[Jill F]

Cars: I've still got a drag race car in storage right now that I don't know what to do with. It's got a big motor, a full race transmission with a trans brake, slicks, and a 10 point roll cage with a 5 point safety harness, and racing bucket seats. It runs on VP100 race gas or E85. I ran it with open headers; it was deafening to stand beside the car. Sitting beside the car are some very expensive parts to build the next motor - a $2500 engine block, a $2000 set of race prepped cylinder heads, a $1000 crankshaft, and a big turbocharger. I was hoping to go from about 500hp to over 1000hp with those parts.

Didn't you tell me your drag race car was a Trans*Am? 

[Ms Grace]

I never got into over compensating behaviour, but I did learn the minimum amount of behaviour I needed to exhibit in order to avoid being beaten up as a "poof" or "sissy" while at (an all boys) school. As a guy I was rather scrawny, from time to time I thought I should try to get more muscular but never really did anything about it, lol! I got into super hero comic books in a big way but for me that was a great way to escape reality rather than an attempt at overcompensation - besides I soon realised I preferred team books that had female characters and that I really related to them.