what's holding me back?

[Hideyoshi]

So I got let go from my last job last week for non-trans issues. I am currently not full time female.  I'm actually super part time, meaning like maybe once a month I go out in public dressed as a female.

So I come to a crossroads of such.  My mom owns a small business and is going to rehire me (I stopped working for her in 2012 after I moved out).  She told me that I can come in girl mode, it's fine, the employees all know anyway.  It's a mainly outdoor job, and I'd be talking to customers sometimes and on a two-way radio. But the issue is, that once I go there for my first day, whatever I come as I have to stick with it, because to switch back and forth would be unprofessional (according to my step dad who was also talking to me about it)

So, easy choice, right? Just go in girl mode.  Well, I have a messed up depressed not-knowing-what-it-wants brain, so I make more of this than what it should be.

I'm insecure and unsure if this is exactly what I freaking want

Since it's an outdoor job, makeup isn't really that much of an option, since it'll just rub off/melt off.  So I don't have that veneer to hide behind.

Going in girl mode pros:
1. I'll get practice socializing
2. I'll get practice with my voice
3. I'll be able to approach my next job in girl mode with (perhaps) more confidence

Going in girl mode cons:
1. I'm afraid of passing looks wise due to no makeup
2. I'm afraid of using my voice in girl mode, especially over the phone & radio
3. I'm afraid of talking with customers in girl mode
4. I'm afraid of judgment (So in other words, what pretty much every trans person is when first coming out?)

Going in boy mode pros:
1. Everybody who works there is familiar with me as a guy
2. I'm comfortable using my guy voice
3. I'm just generally more comfortable as a guy socializing, and as a girl, I'm reserved, quiet, and evasive

Going in boy mode cons:
1. I'm passing up an opportunity to just come OUT already
2. I'll be emo every day about it, just like I am when I chicken out of going somewhere in girl mode
3. Talking in guy voice to other people gives me dysphoria

So if everybody's so supportive and willing to accept me as a girl and whatever, WTF can't I just will myself to do it? I guess I'm just my worst enemy or what?

[Sarah Louise]

Putting the "pros and cons" aside, where is it you want to go with your life?

If transition is your goal, go for it.  If your not sure you want to live as a woman, then put it on hold until your sure.

If you try to add up the +'s/-'s you will drive yourself crazy.

[Jessica Merriman]

Sounds to me the girl mode pro's outweigh everything else. I think you are being given a gift to be the real person you are here. You said it yourself in the girl pro's, you will get more confidence. I think as long as they are accepting your female presentation it would be a terrible regret for you later if you turn it down. I say go for it, but I am not you and you are the one who has to make the decision. It does sound like the perfect, gift wrapped time to go full time though. I have the utmost faith in you either way.

[Jill F]

OK, first of all, I don't think your stepdad "gets it".  You're not sure if you're ready to go full time yet.  Being forced to do so by someone else isn't cool, but you do need the gig. 

How long do you think you would end up working there?   What if it's a couple of years?  Could you deal with pretending to be a guy then?

Your avatar suggests male fail has already happened and you definitely could use a confidence boost.  Maybe it's time to jump in with both feet and take the full time plunge?  Everyone knows, right?  Being a woman is your entire future, right?   I forced myself to go full time before male fail and play "sink or swim", and you know what, it became second nature pretty quickly.  Walking the walk every day, even with very little makeup will probably end up helping your overall presentation and attitude.  Once you give off a strong "I'm a girl, dammit" vibe, people pick up on that and will treat you as such, boosting your confidence more.  Confidence begats confidence and it has to start with a leap of faith.

Be strong.

*hugs*

[stephaniec]

I agree your past male fail.

[ErinM]

OK, first of all, I don't think your stepdad "gets it".  You're not sure if you're ready to go full time yet.  Being forced to do so by someone else isn't cool, but you do need the gig. 

This.

A good number (most?) or us end up transitioning on the job. For me I went into my current job in male mode, knowing that I would transition there within  6 to 9 months. At the time I was like you, only occasionally presenting female.

Also to keep the dysphoria at bay by letting "boy mode" devolve into "I don't give a darn mode". I still went by a male name and pronouns and dressed as a male, but that was about it. I stopped censoring myself 99% of the time, wore a few articles of jewelry and even went as far as to start experimenting with my voice. It was kind of fun when people would be surprised to learn who they were talking to on the radio.

I did set a date for transition with HR ahead of time, but knew I would be OK once customers started gendering me female anyway.

[suzifrommd]

Can't tell you what to choose. Can say that I had all the concerns you list before I went full time and presented female on the job. None of them, not one, actually ever happened or became a problem.

[Paulagirl]

I think if the goal is transition, this is a golden opportunity. The chance to socially transition in a controlled environment has been handed to you on a platter.
If you feel that transition is NOT in the cards, always remember-you can not unring a bell.

[Eva Marie]

On any list of pros & cons there will always be reasons not to do something; in your list of cons I see some of those. And then once you make the decision it's hard not to look back and second guess; you think that maybe you should have made the other choice. And then there is the comfort factor; you've lived life mainly in one way for all of your life and changing that way of living seems like this huge, impossible, scary thing that is sitting right in front of you.

It really all boils down to how do you want to live the rest of your life?

If you want to live as a male then you need to be prepared for the doubts and regrets that may come, especially given the golden opportunity that you have in front of you to make the switch without some of the major barriers that others face. Can you live mostly as male, and can you live with the knowledge that you bypassed such a golden opportunity?

If you want to live as a female then you are starting a whole new life, which comes with lots of scary new things in it. You may also experience doubts and regrets too, and you may miss a lot of things from your old life. I get that because I am doing the same thing. People may misgender you or make fun of you, or say bad things about you behind your back - and you lose some male privilege. You have things to learn and work to do to change and fit into your new role. Can you live with these changes?

Every major decision means gaining some things and losing others; there is no way to have everything. We make the best decisions that we can and move forward in life.

Ultimately, your heart holds the answer, not us. Follow you heart.

[JulieBlair]

What is holding you back is fear.  Fear of failure to be accepted as a girl, and fear that to live your authentic self will leave you lost without your persona to hide behind.  Those two things kept me trapped in Doug for decades, and damaged myself and a number of perfectly lovely people.  The thing is, If you are a woman, embrace it and be the best woman you can be.  If you are at the core a man, that is OK too, but be the most authentic man you can be.  If neither then accept who you are and present as who who are.  This is about happiness and internal consistency more than about a job.  Jobs will come and jobs will go, you luv have to live inside yourself for the rest of your life.  The earlier you embrace and love who you authentically are, the better person, friend, child, and maybe one day parent, you will be.

Peace,
Julie

[Nora Kayte]

I have not been chiming in for a while. So if I am saying something, it it a big deal to me. And I know in your avatar you have make up on. But I can tell what you would look like with out make up on. And if I looked as great as you do I would have been full time already. I mean hell if I looked that good, I would care less about my voice. Like it had been said, if full time is your final destination, then I would do it. And do it yesterday. Lol

[Carrie Liz]

The thing is, Hideyoshi, you're never going to know what you want until you try. You've got to work on not letting fear hold you back so much.

Before you make the decision, why not try going full femme for a few days? Just go out as female no matter what. And see how you're treated, see if you like it or not, see whether it makes you happy or not. You're never going to know if full-time is right for you or not if you're still only going out in public as a girl like once per month.

I was in a very similar situation about a month ago... fired from my job, trying to decide if I was ready for full-time or not, with a lot of fears and worries holding me back. But it wasn't until I actually got out there and experienced life, and started realizing that not only was I always happier as a girl, but that people treated me surprisingly well, that I finally knew I was ready to make the switch. Try it!

[Jennifer.L]

Ok I know alot of people have said it but I jsut have to chip in.  To the thought of you fail to pass as a girl.  at least from you pic?  I can offer only a snort of derision.  The surprising thing is that you can pass for a boy.



Trust me, that utterly terrified felling your having ins natural but silly.  You will feel like a weigh has jsut disappeared off you shoulders when your in girl mode

[Ms Grace]

I agree with the others that that you appear to have reached male fail, you are a very pretty young woman. While there's no point in going full time if you don't feel ready, your "boy mode cons" sum up the best reasons to go for transition. Essentially those were the reasons I had to go full-time, presenting as male at work was driving me nuts. Admittedly I had been going out in girl mode with increasing frequency and really feeling comfortable and enjoying it. You say your girl mode outings are about once a month, presumably for socialising, or has there been some "day to day" practical excursions too? For me, those practical outings in girl mode is really where it's at, you have to interact with the general public, usually during the day, in a whole range of circumstances, what you wear is less flashy, more practical...it's what really helps to build confidence and reveals where you need more practice in whatever element of passing you might be deficient in.

Can make a suggestion? If you don't have to start the job tomorrow how about you try a week of girl mode first, tone down the make up and clothes, just get out and about, try shopping and doing whatever else you need to. See how that works for you. It'll give you practice, it'll build confidence and it'll give you an idea of how you'll go in the job.

[Hideyoshi]

I'm not male fail; I take like 20 pictures and keep the good one, I chickened out, went to work in boy mode, step dad inadvertently said quite a few hurtful things, emotions tanked, the end

thank you all for your thoughts, though, I appreciate the responses

[Ms Grace]

Well I'd still suggest you do as many outings in girl mode as possible. Once a month won't give you much practice, experience and confidence.

[Hideyoshi]

Well I'd still suggest you do as many outings in girl mode as possible. Once a month won't give you much practice, experience and confidence.

I'll try to do it more

god the depression is just awful since a few days before I lost my job, and I've been having an ulcerative colitis flare for like a month and a half, now today happened

hard to stay motivated/confident

[Ms Grace]

Yes, things sound very stressful for you at the moment. I do hope it can settle down for you soon and you can find an open path to help you live your life the way you want to.

[Rachel]

I think you look female (20 pics or not).

I am not out in fem and can not offer advise on that; however, I think the people in the company will be supportive. Especially since your Mom and step Dad are supportive.

To answer your question, what is holding you back? I think you are pressuring yourself to be perfect with little experience and low confidence. Also, I think you recognize how great a step this can be but are afraid to be yourself because you want to be the best you can be and fear failure.   

There has been a lot of great advise stated from people with RLE,  All I can offer is some positive thoughts sent your way, hugs.

[Jennifer.L]

Oh girl!  you will always be able to see the boy that way if your looking for him.  but I promise you no one, who never met him will ever see him in you.  I, too, have to take many photos before I have one I don't see Him in it.  But no one else sees Him.  Needing to take a lot of pics is not a Transe thing.  xD  Girl!  thats a girl thing!  No girl Cig or otherwise can jsut take one photo and be happy! (well non-butch girls)  Photos are like cloths.  you have to try one a bunch before you find the one that says You!

So keep you chin up ok?!

If it helps you feel better.  the only reason I'm really sure about all that is because I have constant proof.  Whenever I feel like I'm not sure I'm really pretty I go sing Karaoke in my boy voice.  After the the 6th person comes up to express their amazement, that I'm not a cig girl.  I start to feel better about myself.  Mind you I'm crazy as sin, in addition to the transe thing.  So I'm not really afraid of wandering into a straight bar and laying it all out.  Have I mentioned I"m insane.  Hi I'm insane.  So not joking hear.  Brilliant, but madder then the hatter xD